Goodbye.
So the little prince tamed the fox.
And when the hour of his departure drew near---
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince.
"I never wished you any sort of harm;
but you wanted me to tame you. . ."
"Yes that is so", said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!"
said the little prince.
"Yes that is so" said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox,
"because of the color of the wheat fields."
For as long as I can remember, I have felt like a fox... afraid of man. Yet I have wanted to be tamed. But I am a wild beast and all too often, being tamed has hurt me. But there are so many wonderful memories... This journal has had many incarnations.. or should I say it has worn many masks. Now I take off the mask and set it down and I leave.
With my upcoming surgery and my recent discovery that I have Asperger, my life has become very complicated, different, simple, overwhelming... and I am feeling very fragile and very exposed. What I need from having an online journal is different from what I needed when I started it. It's different. Period.
I need to know... KNOW that those who read my journal do so because they care. I don't need any more replies than I am getting now. But with each passing day, I find myself bothered by the fact that so many people have access and I don't know if they read, if they care. I post, get 2 or 3 replies and then nothing... so I get paranoid because with 130+ friends, you'd think I'd get more replies. I totally get that the fact that I do not read or reply to anyone else's journal is greatly at cause for this silence... the truth of the matter is that there are currently too many of you so any time I venture into my friends page, I get overhwelmed and I leave. So I am leaving this place and moving into a new lair between the roots of a big strong tree. A place where I feel safe. Intimacy. Trust. Yes, I think that is what I need.
I spoke in some of my recent Asperger entries about the need to expose myself so that I can get over my need for approval. And such entries will still get posted in the new journal (in open entries) and on MySpace ( http://www.myspace.com/mommybabou ).
This isn't a test of how much you guys love me. I don't care if only 4 people friend the new journal, as long as all who friend the new journal do so because they understand and accept my needs. I do this, knowing that I will lose most of the people on my current friends list. But the sacrifice is necessary for me to feel safe. I will not come asking why you didn't friend me so for the love of god, do not friend me because you feel that I might get hurt if you do not. I have made peace with the consequences of this action.
I'm not looking for tons of comments. I'm not looking for attention. I'm looking for trust and intimacy within the context of an online journal. So I ask that you only friend my new journal if you truly care (again, within the context) about what I write. I'm assigning roles to my different accounts online: MySpace for casual banter, public stuff and jewelry showing off, Facebook for contact with close friends and LiveJournal for more intimate soul searching and sharing.
I want to thank each and every one of you for finding me and adding me or for accepting my friend request when I made it. There are some here who have touched me in ways they may not even begin to know. Merci.
So from now on, I am here: untamed_fox