Comment I posted about cancer remission
Other than my mother (and numerous other people in my family having some sort of cancer) having breast cancer three times, my aunt having passed away from it at such an early age, my Nana also passed from it as well, I to had cancer in 2015 as well. I can remember the day I found out like it was yesterday (anyone who knows me knows I have serious memory issues due to trauma, so this is very significant for me). My family and I had just gotten back from my grandma’s funeral in Ohio the day prior and I got the call to come in to talk to the doctor. I was thinking it had something to do with my kidney or some other organ, so I was clueless. When I went in to see and talk to the doctor, they told me I had breast cancer and went over all the options with me. I chose to fight of course with chemo and radiation, and I was told that while I was going through the process that I would need to minimize my contact with people as I would have no immune system at this time. As a single working mother, I was distraught beyond belief. How would I work, how would I pay rent, how would I take care of my kids? All these things were running wild in my mind as tears are coming out like a waterfall and they would not stop.
From there I immediately went over to my mom’s house to tell her and my step-dad. When I entered the house my step-dad John was sitting at the formal dining room table just crying (it was his mom who just passed) and I went into the kitchen where my mom was feeding my then very little niece crying trying to get her to eat. I felt at that moment that I could not burden them with my diagnoses. I talked to a couple of my very close friends about my diagnoses and one of my friends whom I was best friends for years is very holistic and does not believe in modern medicine. I remember he said ‘Monica, you can’t treat with poison’ and I said, ‘I know chemo and radiation is poison, but I also know that it has been proven to be able to put it in remission and I am my children’s sole provider and caretaker, and they need me to be here for them, so I am doing it’. Our friendship has not been the same since. He was making stuff up to another friend of mine. I guess to explain the new distance between us.
At that I quit my job and got a remote position working at home that I absolutely despised but I did it to provide for my children to stay away from people as much as possible. I only went out for chemo, radiation, doctors’ appointments, and to go to the grocery store when needed (I ordered out a lot as I was scared to physically go anywhere around the public, and I generally didn’t have the energy to do much else.) I remember being mortified to even touch or wash my hair for the fear of losing my hair. During that time, I only told three people about my cancer. I just didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.
The nausea and vomiting weren’t as bad as the vertigo I experienced constantly. I remember taking my Zofran like they were tic tacs because I hate throwing up. I was always REALLY skinny (between 100-110 at 5’5) but I literally got down to 64 pounds at my lowest weight. I am going to attach a picture of myself seven months after going into remission. I had just got married and in the process of moving. All this while my ex-husband was still doing crazy things and stalking me. It was a start of a new life. I hate looking at this picture because I am so small (the dress is a Junior Extra Small-I still have this dress too) but it symbolizes new beginnings to me and reminds me that I can get through whatever life throws my way.
I have major Complex PTSD (to the point where I blocked my front door completely and only went in and out of my garage) and having cancer changed my life in that aspect. I was not so afraid and triggered from everything. My brain just changed to the perspective that ‘if I die than I am going to die but it is no way to live being always scared’. I still have it but at a much smaller scale. I can go through my front door without being scared (I was more scared of who would come in and hurt me though). If some person/people who doesn’t know me (anyone who knows me knows that they must call so I know to expect them) comes to my door and rings the bell or knocks and I don’t know they are coming I will instinctively hide. I do not think that will ever change but it is like night and day. It is so much better.
I am always scared that my cancer will come back too. In 2017 my boobs were physically hurting, and I had the mammogram and ultrasound and they told me it was from consuming soda (I drank Pepsi 24-7 since I was a kid) so I quit drinking soda completely aside from when I go to the movies, I allow myself Cherry Coke. That is just something special my parents ingrained into me when I was very young. Just yesterday my dog Kai was smelling my boobs and dogs are very keen to stuff like that, so I have to make appointments. It is something us cancer survivors worry about all the time. Hopefully, it is nothing but it something I must do to clear my conscious.
