Who am I kidding?
Do you ever just want to leave. When I say leave I mean leave everything. Everything you know, everyone you know...your possesions, your life. Just leave it all.
My biggest weakness is that I try very hard not to show weakness. Many times I laugh when inside I am crying, hoping that someone will notice. I make jokes because laughing is so much easier then crying. The only downfall is that when your laughing and joking people think you have your shit together. I DO NOT HAVE my shit together. My shit is falling down faster than I can pick up the peices and yet here I sit still laughing. Lonely as hell because no one fucking knows I am hurting.
Today was a dark day for me... it's that day when you just plain flip the fuck out. You thrown a picture across the room hoping that the sound of glass breaking will release a little bit of that tension but yet....after it happens your just more pissed that you have to clean up the mess. Oh...and no there was no tension release because you are so far past the point where breaking shit helps. So what's next...I mean literally all day I sat and thought that it would probably be better if I just left. I needed to leave. I didnt care where I went or how I got there, I just wanted to go...go and sleep ...sleep yes that is what I want I need to sleep...just for a few days. Just until my body can wind back down.
I sound like the most pathetic, psychotic being out there. I haven't been this way for a very very long time. It's not been this bad since I was a teenager and was going through the daily sexual abuse. "The" do you love how I did that "THE sexual abuse" As if I put the word THE in front of it that makes it less traumatic. I just completely dehumanized it by putting the word the in front of it.
I called joe. He's my only sanity at the moment. I am better now, but see this is what I do. I write about my psychoticness and then hopefully if someone else is feeling that way...they dont feel so ashamed and alone. Tell me that putting all my personal shit out there is worth it? PLEASE?! Because all I can think about right now is how anyone that reads this will run for cover as to not be hit with any of the fallout that is also known as Allyson.
My biggest weakness is that I try very hard not to show weakness. Many times I laugh when inside I am crying, hoping that someone will notice. I make jokes because laughing is so much easier then crying. The only downfall is that when your laughing and joking people think you have your shit together. I DO NOT HAVE my shit together. My shit is falling down faster than I can pick up the peices and yet here I sit still laughing. Lonely as hell because no one fucking knows I am hurting.
Today was a dark day for me... it's that day when you just plain flip the fuck out. You thrown a picture across the room hoping that the sound of glass breaking will release a little bit of that tension but yet....after it happens your just more pissed that you have to clean up the mess. Oh...and no there was no tension release because you are so far past the point where breaking shit helps. So what's next...I mean literally all day I sat and thought that it would probably be better if I just left. I needed to leave. I didnt care where I went or how I got there, I just wanted to go...go and sleep ...sleep yes that is what I want I need to sleep...just for a few days. Just until my body can wind back down.
I sound like the most pathetic, psychotic being out there. I haven't been this way for a very very long time. It's not been this bad since I was a teenager and was going through the daily sexual abuse. "The" do you love how I did that "THE sexual abuse" As if I put the word THE in front of it that makes it less traumatic. I just completely dehumanized it by putting the word the in front of it.
I called joe. He's my only sanity at the moment. I am better now, but see this is what I do. I write about my psychoticness and then hopefully if someone else is feeling that way...they dont feel so ashamed and alone. Tell me that putting all my personal shit out there is worth it? PLEASE?! Because all I can think about right now is how anyone that reads this will run for cover as to not be hit with any of the fallout that is also known as Allyson.