Undesirable
Ok, So the other night I went to a friends party and did some rather "undesirable" things. Of course everyone there thought it was great, and I have to admit being the center of attention, and one of the hits of the party was a great booster for my self-esteem, at the same time I am truly ashamed of how I acted.
I did things that I have made a commitment to myself not to do anymore. I am attractive again, but I realized I don't have to make myself a piece of meat to get the attention anymore. I don't think I really want "that" kind of attention anymore anyway.
I drank WAY TOO MUCH, and felt like an idiot for days afterwords. And this is to all my friends at the party who took pictures of me, IF I SEE ANY, AND I DO MEAN ANY OF THOSE NAUGHTY LITTLE PICTURES POSTED ANYWHERE ON THE NET, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!
I really have to try not to go to these things. I always feel terrible afterward. But they are soooooooooo fun at the time. I need to find a compromise between what my heart tells me and what my head tells me to do. My head is the smart one, my heart always gets me into trouble. Like thinking I am in love with a man that I know would never be able to treat me like I deserve to be treated. I think I am more in love with the idea of him instead of actually being in love with HIM.....Maybe it's more of a lust thing, attraction rather than love. Yep that's it. I can't believe it took me this long to figure that out.(epiphany!! Light Bulb!!)
My wishes and fantasies take over my reality sometimes. Or at least I daydream a lot. Isn't it funny how we always want what we can't have, or at least want something different than what we have. We spend so much time alone that we convince ourselves to love whoever will love us back. Talk about spending an entire lifetime lying to ourselves. I now realize that I don't think I even really loved my ex-husband. I think I loved the Idea of being married and he just happened to ask me. We got along better as best friends than we ever did married. Go figure.
Oh, well. I have come to another wall in my spiritual growth. This one's a doozy too. I think I am making progress though. Thats what counts. As long as I learn from my lessons instead of repeating the same actions over and over expecting different results. I will chalk this one up to another fine growth experience.
I did things that I have made a commitment to myself not to do anymore. I am attractive again, but I realized I don't have to make myself a piece of meat to get the attention anymore. I don't think I really want "that" kind of attention anymore anyway.
I drank WAY TOO MUCH, and felt like an idiot for days afterwords. And this is to all my friends at the party who took pictures of me, IF I SEE ANY, AND I DO MEAN ANY OF THOSE NAUGHTY LITTLE PICTURES POSTED ANYWHERE ON THE NET, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!
I really have to try not to go to these things. I always feel terrible afterward. But they are soooooooooo fun at the time. I need to find a compromise between what my heart tells me and what my head tells me to do. My head is the smart one, my heart always gets me into trouble. Like thinking I am in love with a man that I know would never be able to treat me like I deserve to be treated. I think I am more in love with the idea of him instead of actually being in love with HIM.....Maybe it's more of a lust thing, attraction rather than love. Yep that's it. I can't believe it took me this long to figure that out.(epiphany!! Light Bulb!!)
My wishes and fantasies take over my reality sometimes. Or at least I daydream a lot. Isn't it funny how we always want what we can't have, or at least want something different than what we have. We spend so much time alone that we convince ourselves to love whoever will love us back. Talk about spending an entire lifetime lying to ourselves. I now realize that I don't think I even really loved my ex-husband. I think I loved the Idea of being married and he just happened to ask me. We got along better as best friends than we ever did married. Go figure.
Oh, well. I have come to another wall in my spiritual growth. This one's a doozy too. I think I am making progress though. Thats what counts. As long as I learn from my lessons instead of repeating the same actions over and over expecting different results. I will chalk this one up to another fine growth experience.