(no subject)
Something kinda weird happened on my way home from work....I was thinking of my mom which is something I do often. But this time the tears in my eyes turned into full blown bawling my eyes out, cannot stop kind of crying. It's been 9 years, I've learned to live in my new normal without her, but in that instant I felt like it was the day we lost her. Her anniversary is coming up next week, I always remember it, but as the years go on my awareness of it before hand fades more and more. Like I used to start feeling crappy a good month before, but now I'm like oh yeah, it's coming up next week.
I used to know all of the dates by heart, the day she went in the hospital, the day she was diagnosed, and of course the day she died. So I was a little freaked out when I got home today, looked at a calendar and realized it was 9 years ago today that she went in the hospital.
I've just been having a really hard time. I know lots of people have it worse, but I feel like I just can't catch a break. I was only 25 when she died, and she struggled her whole life with depression, anxiety, and paranoia so I had a very tumultuous childhood. When she was finally getting a lot better, and she and I were getting along much better since I had moved out and then I lost her. I lost my grandparents within weeks of each other last summer and they were my lifeline to her, I adored them and I miss them so much....in 2011 my husband and I had a hard time getting pregnant and then when we did we lost it very early. It took another year to get pregnant but our daughter was stillborn last March at 22 weeks. We're so thankful to be pregnant again, but we're so insanely worried about this pregnancy.
Gah, I hate being all "pity party of 1", but sometimes I get so angry at how unfair life is. When can I stop grieving? I feel like as soon as I get to a manageable place from one loss, along comes another one. Sorry to be so debbe downer, but I just needed to vent someplace where I know people would understand my frustration and grief.
I used to know all of the dates by heart, the day she went in the hospital, the day she was diagnosed, and of course the day she died. So I was a little freaked out when I got home today, looked at a calendar and realized it was 9 years ago today that she went in the hospital.
I've just been having a really hard time. I know lots of people have it worse, but I feel like I just can't catch a break. I was only 25 when she died, and she struggled her whole life with depression, anxiety, and paranoia so I had a very tumultuous childhood. When she was finally getting a lot better, and she and I were getting along much better since I had moved out and then I lost her. I lost my grandparents within weeks of each other last summer and they were my lifeline to her, I adored them and I miss them so much....in 2011 my husband and I had a hard time getting pregnant and then when we did we lost it very early. It took another year to get pregnant but our daughter was stillborn last March at 22 weeks. We're so thankful to be pregnant again, but we're so insanely worried about this pregnancy.
Gah, I hate being all "pity party of 1", but sometimes I get so angry at how unfair life is. When can I stop grieving? I feel like as soon as I get to a manageable place from one loss, along comes another one. Sorry to be so debbe downer, but I just needed to vent someplace where I know people would understand my frustration and grief.