(no subject)
'cause i don't wanna hold you and feel so helpless
(rufus)
hi! you've reached ian. i'm away from myself for the moment, but if you'd like to leave me a detailed message and a number i can reach you at, i'd be happy to call you back as soon as i get my head out of my ass.
[beep]
when i'm on the subway platform sometimes i realize how my life is manipulated by those around me. i feel a physical pull from people, from one person, a group of people, who look interesting or just have a field. i'm the king of followers; one of my problems has always been i don't know how to fully disconnect from that even when i'm feeling so separate. so i desperately run after the back of some old man's jacket, keeping my eyes trained stubbornly, until i leap into the train after him, living only for the back of that jacket, that wrinkled corduroy magnet. and then i'm face to face in silence with whatever i followed and i no longer have any clue what to do. we're just...there. stuck in a tunnel, and i just wanted to be close to the back of this old man's jacket- absurd, right? i'm not being symbolic here, this actually happens to me, every day.
i almost passed out in sam the record man today, i walked in there to look at everything in the store, and found the 2 for 9.99 rack, and found cd's i liked, and was walking to the cash and there was a 2 for 14.99 rack, so i took a look, and found two that i liked, and then another two. so i was standing in the middle of the room with six cd's in my hand, 24.98 plus tax in total. and i realized what had just happened and started sweating. i needed to put them all back. i felt such shame at spending this money, at being frivolous and way too fucking impulsive with stuff like that, remember last year i bought 10 tom waits cd's in a spur-of-the-moment decision. i'm sweating with six discs and i started shaking because i couldn't put them down and my chest was seizing up, my hands were clammy and i felt like throwing up. these stupid pieces of plastic that i definitely didn't need. don't need. i put all but two back, and went right back to justifying in my mind that it's okay for me to want to get stuff like this. i walked out onto yonge street feeling totally wasted and defeated, like i had just had the shit kicked out of me. i couldn't give them up, and it was compulsive.
last night was rob's birthday party. rob is a cool dude, who i like spending time with very much. we hung out at his house in brampton, just 10 of us and his family. we listened to broken social scene, the most serene republic, mighty mighty bosstones and tv on the radio, and his parents made us a 1am feast. wine and beer, and then mid-night tobogganing and snow fights, followed by hot-tub soaking in shifts in his backyard. i got rob (rkrash) a bubblegum machine with a big kermit the frog head, because he can do a killer kermie voice. someone else bought him 'hungry hungry hippos', and his girlfriend kristi made him a book full of photos of various pop-culture things that he loves, with his photo photoshopped in. it was brilliant. he gave out treat-bags and everyone got a toy sword/shield set.
i'm getting there. i waft in and out of myself in the most despicable of ways, some nights i'm perched on my own shoulder, fruitlessly screaming into my own ear to snap out of it. somehow if she's not possessing me, i can't possess me either, and it's my fault. that's my fault. and i'm getting there, i feel stronger most days but sometimes i'm back to following following following and one of these days i'll follow whoever, whatever, so close that i smash into their back when they stop moving. and all the while she's with me and i'm an idiot when i don't just walk leisurely with her, at our own pace. catching up to the world? each other first. i promise.
i miss everyone who reads this.
i need more of each of you.
Don't be puffed up with pride if yo uare able to provide for your needs with very little cost. The first task of the person who wishes to live wisely is to free himself or herself from the confines of self-absorption. Consider how much more frugal the poor are than we, how much better they forebear hardship. If you want to develop your ability to live simply, do it for yourself, do it quietly, and don't do it to impress others.
(from the art of living by epictetus)
skulks away
(rufus)
hi! you've reached ian. i'm away from myself for the moment, but if you'd like to leave me a detailed message and a number i can reach you at, i'd be happy to call you back as soon as i get my head out of my ass.
[beep]
when i'm on the subway platform sometimes i realize how my life is manipulated by those around me. i feel a physical pull from people, from one person, a group of people, who look interesting or just have a field. i'm the king of followers; one of my problems has always been i don't know how to fully disconnect from that even when i'm feeling so separate. so i desperately run after the back of some old man's jacket, keeping my eyes trained stubbornly, until i leap into the train after him, living only for the back of that jacket, that wrinkled corduroy magnet. and then i'm face to face in silence with whatever i followed and i no longer have any clue what to do. we're just...there. stuck in a tunnel, and i just wanted to be close to the back of this old man's jacket- absurd, right? i'm not being symbolic here, this actually happens to me, every day.
i almost passed out in sam the record man today, i walked in there to look at everything in the store, and found the 2 for 9.99 rack, and found cd's i liked, and was walking to the cash and there was a 2 for 14.99 rack, so i took a look, and found two that i liked, and then another two. so i was standing in the middle of the room with six cd's in my hand, 24.98 plus tax in total. and i realized what had just happened and started sweating. i needed to put them all back. i felt such shame at spending this money, at being frivolous and way too fucking impulsive with stuff like that, remember last year i bought 10 tom waits cd's in a spur-of-the-moment decision. i'm sweating with six discs and i started shaking because i couldn't put them down and my chest was seizing up, my hands were clammy and i felt like throwing up. these stupid pieces of plastic that i definitely didn't need. don't need. i put all but two back, and went right back to justifying in my mind that it's okay for me to want to get stuff like this. i walked out onto yonge street feeling totally wasted and defeated, like i had just had the shit kicked out of me. i couldn't give them up, and it was compulsive.
last night was rob's birthday party. rob is a cool dude, who i like spending time with very much. we hung out at his house in brampton, just 10 of us and his family. we listened to broken social scene, the most serene republic, mighty mighty bosstones and tv on the radio, and his parents made us a 1am feast. wine and beer, and then mid-night tobogganing and snow fights, followed by hot-tub soaking in shifts in his backyard. i got rob (rkrash) a bubblegum machine with a big kermit the frog head, because he can do a killer kermie voice. someone else bought him 'hungry hungry hippos', and his girlfriend kristi made him a book full of photos of various pop-culture things that he loves, with his photo photoshopped in. it was brilliant. he gave out treat-bags and everyone got a toy sword/shield set.
i'm getting there. i waft in and out of myself in the most despicable of ways, some nights i'm perched on my own shoulder, fruitlessly screaming into my own ear to snap out of it. somehow if she's not possessing me, i can't possess me either, and it's my fault. that's my fault. and i'm getting there, i feel stronger most days but sometimes i'm back to following following following and one of these days i'll follow whoever, whatever, so close that i smash into their back when they stop moving. and all the while she's with me and i'm an idiot when i don't just walk leisurely with her, at our own pace. catching up to the world? each other first. i promise.
i miss everyone who reads this.
i need more of each of you.
Don't be puffed up with pride if yo uare able to provide for your needs with very little cost. The first task of the person who wishes to live wisely is to free himself or herself from the confines of self-absorption. Consider how much more frugal the poor are than we, how much better they forebear hardship. If you want to develop your ability to live simply, do it for yourself, do it quietly, and don't do it to impress others.
(from the art of living by epictetus)
skulks away