Just so this won't get lost.
I am currently so overwhelmed about the future. I feel as if I have no choice on what is to become of me. It's very pathetic in all actuallity. I fear "the dreaded cubicle." There is little to zero passion in my body about having a desk job where the only time I ever see anything but four furry walls around me is my 10 minute lunch break. That just wouldn't do it for me. I have this absured(?) desire to travel. Right now. Not in a few years. I want to explore and take pictures and live. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm bored with my life. I want an adventure. I want to be daring. I want to live. It's sad really. Being sixteen years old and already being bored. But, that comes with the territory of being a teenager. Right? I mean, it must. Oh well. I'll find adventure. I better. No more being cautious. No more second thoughts. No more paranoia. It's just now. Who cares right? I can't save myself from embarassment all the time. I'm gonna do what I want. This is my life, I should enjoy it, control it, live it, love it, explore it, but never, ever abuse it. Try, but don;t get overwhelmed. Life is just a continuous series of moments that in one way or another string themselves together to form a day, my day. Those moments happen to nurture, to teach. We shouldn't waste them. We should cherish them, even if they are bad. Nothing stops me more than myself. But, why? Why am I so afraid of not being excellent the first time? Why do I doubt myself? It's rediculous. I know I'll say no more, but it won't happen. I'll fall asleep and things will just float away from me. I'll dream of what I'd like to become, but I can never seem to grasp this reality. I need to loosen up. Laugh a little more at myself. Stop watching what I say, and who I say it to. Stop holding so tightly to moments that i can't let them breathe, so they sufficate and whither away to nothing leaving me with this empty feeling of time and space that's just void when i know it should be filled with something. is there no way to fix this? I need to get out of my box, my comfort zone. There's nothing in it that I need. it just traps me in myself. why can't I speak what i wish to say. I'm not afraid of offending someone, I've done it beofer. But.. I dunno.... I guess I just need more. More experience. More people. Less judgement. Less hate. More tolerance, more looseness. Less stiff. I'll get there, eventually. 1.18.05
Sometimes I wish my life was like a movie.Ya know? It wouldn't matter who I was. I just movie-esque moments. Everyone has them, at some point or another. And, because I'm selfish, I want mine too. I want a truly romatic moment. I want a story that I can tell people, now or when I"m older. I want a moment that will last forever. I want something so magical that you have to question if it actually happened. I don't want a lie. I want a faerie tale. I want a song written about me. I want to be serenaded. Le sigh. I have too much desire for romantic things.1.22.05
The bad thing about relationships is how they make you feel. Well, no. It's more of how they make you feel when you're alone. It's quite pathetic actually. I mean watching a romantic movie, and you come to the happy ending and the guy and girl are kissing, and you just get this feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you wish your lover could be there to spend it with you, but they're not. It's bad when you've never had a real relationship. But once you have things just become worse. because you know what you're missing. And your mind tells you that's what you should be having right now, but you're not. So, the longing is worse. Because that's how it is. Right? You know what you're missing and it's worse, but if you've never experienced you can't miss it, you just long for it. Which can be just as bad depending on what you're longing for. Love I've found is at the top of my list. Well, relationships in general. And kissing. And being held when you feel like shit. And kissing. When we're not together, as pathetic as it is, I miss kissing the most. I miss being held. This is why people like me shouln't be in relationships. We become dependent on something we shouldn't be dependent on. It makes us weaker. Oh well. I'm not complaining really. I think in all actuallity I'm better off with him here. Well, not better off, I'm just better. I don't think he'll ever know that he knows more about me than so many people. And yet, he still knows nothing. But there's nothing to tell. I dunno. My life is boring. There's nothing to it. It's just me, and I don't know what else. It's very bad having someone like him as a fist love. Because some part of me will always subconsciencly compare him to anyone that might follow. And, maybe that's better. It will keep my away from anyone who might harm me. Oh well. That's too far ahead. For now, I love him. And, he makes me so happy. I just wish I could do the same.1.23.05
I love him. I really do, and if I don't then I guess I'm just telling myself I am. But that seems so silly. I'm giving up sex with Matty til I know what's going on. I'm keeping things civil and alive because, he leaving with me, and deep down inside I know I love him still. But, I think the lust just died away. I don't know why, it just has. I guess, it's mostly because my mind is wandering. I'm so young, and I feel trapped at times. I want to walk around and feel sexy. I want to see men, guys, boys, staring at me. I want to be able to stare back, tempt them, seduce them without feeling like I'm being a whore. I love being with the guys. But I'd prefer being with the guys. I still want to hang out with them. Sleep over. Get drunk. Get high. Laugh. But, I want all this, while they know that I'm available for the taking. There's noone I want to be with besides Matty. But,I still want. And, that's not good. 'Cause I know if I was given the chance, with the right person, I could cheat on him. And that's even worse that just wanting it. But I know I would crack, in one way or another. This is awful. Just plain awful. Both the situation and my state of mind. Maybe, if i do things with other people and not him then I'll realize how much he means to me. No, it's not that I don't know how much he means to me, I do. I just don't know if I still feel the same. Current song feeling of the moment: Fast as You Can, Criminal, and A Mistake by Fiona Apple. Chick power hidden behind angry lyrics about cheating, love, and life. Exactly what I need. 2.1.05
Is it bad that I really don't care? I don't care that I'm leaving for a year, and there will be no way that I could come back. I think my attitude about this bothers my mother. If I leave, I know I'll come back and appreciate everything and one so much more than I do now. I need to be thrown outside of my comfort zone. I think Matty hates. I think he's sick of me. I think everyone is. You know I've gotten too close to someone when I have absolutely no problem just freaking out for no reason with them there. And, it's not like vitamins are going to save me from this rediculous mentallity. I'm just so sick of feeling worthless. I know I can be better, and I am better than what people see in certain aspects, and worse in others. I really am afraid of leaving. Especially if I end up going to South Africa. I've been sheltered my whole life. I'm scared. I'll miss my family. But, this is life, this is what i want. This is it. There's not turning back now. I 'm finishing my application by the end of the week, hopefully, and mailing it out soon after that. I hope I'm allowed to leave. 2.7.05
Is it bad that I want to seduce people. Well, not people. Just men. Boys. Guys. Whatever. Just for one night, I want to get dressed up with the intent of catching the eye of every guy in a place. Single or not. I don't care. I just want to. I want to flirt. I want to go to a party in heels, a short skirt, and a nice top. I want to tempt. I don't want to do anything with any of these guys. I just want to stare, bite my lip, seduce. I want them, no matter how drunk, no matter how high, to remember me. I want to be able to walk in a room and have every girl wish she were me, have every guy wish they were with me in anyway, and everyone to want to know who I was. I don't so much want to impress, as much as I want to stun. I want guys to think of me in every way. I want them to imagine me in their fantasies. I want to be able to wink at a guy and have him follow me to the end of the world. I want everything that won't happen and I enjoy revelling in my fantasies. If I could I would. Boyfriend or not. And if I did he shouldn't care, because it's not like I'd be doing this because I want any of them, in anyway. It's just I want the attention and I want to know that I could do that to a guy. And, it has nothing to do with sluts or whores. I just want to tempt, not touch./Main Entry: femme fatale Part of Speech: noun Definition: dangerously seductive woman Synonyms: coquette, courtesan, deadly lady, deadly woman, enchantress, flirt, seductress, siren, temptress, vamp/ Yeas, that is really all I want. Maybe it's selfish, but so what. It is my life and if I'm not allowed to think of myself, who will? 2.12.05
I'm scared. No, not scared. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being alone. I cried tonight, because I know that Matty will leave me in a few more months. He'll get older, go through college, get different girlfriends, different lovers, and he'll find the one girl who he thinks he's perfect for. And, she'll be beautiful, funny, smart, and a wonderful person. She'll be everything he's ever wanted. She'll love the winter and snow. She'll want children. They'll get married. Live a perfect life, have amazing children. Live somewhere cold with gorgeous summers. He'll never be alone. People like him are never alone. They always have someone. That someone is always amazing. I'll be alone forever once Matty leaves. I'll grow old. My parents will one day die when it's their time. My brother will grow up, have children, a family. I'll die. No one will come to my funeral, because the only person who will ever know alot about me will be married, sitting by the fireplace with his children and grandchildren, talking about the good times. Sometimes I think I could grow up with him, and I would marry him. I would have his children if I was older. But I'm not going to make him stay with me once he goes to college. I'm not so niave that I think it would last while I was still in high school. I'm not going to say that he's mine, when I'm sure by the time that he got to college he would like to fool around with a a few girls here and there without feeling like he's attatched to me or being afriad that he would cheat on me. I guess, I should prepare myself for a long life of let downs and no one to turn to but my mother. 3.6.05
I feel like there are things wrong. Like I should be doing something I'm not, like I'm missing out on something. I can't seem to speak in front of people without feeling like they're waiting for me to fail, in which case I become red and do indeed fail. We need to get over that small delemna. "Feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took." I feel like Matty can't be himself around me. I feel like I've scared him into watching what he says around me, afraid that he'll set loose another "Bianca Episode". I don't want him to think that, or even want him to change. He doesn't realize that he's in a catch twenty-two. No matter what he decides to do, it could end up bothering both me and him. If he feels that he has t change to keep me happy I would have him break up with me than continue on like something's wrong but he doesn't want to talk to me. I dunno. I'll just let things go. 3.15.05
About 9 months of going out, more than a year and half of knowing ech other, and I still know nothing. I try to talk, but I can't. I've been programmed so that I can't explain myself, that I'm too scared to. I dunno. He knows that I feel like we don't know anyting about each other. Well, no, I feel like I know nothing about him. Like, he knows about my dad, and my mental state of mind, and how I used to cut. He knows all of this. He knows how I feel about myself, how I act, how I am. I know nothing. I know that his family appears perfect, everything is given to him, he's one of the luckiest people I've ever met. I don't know what happened to his mum or why he feels like his life isn't pefect. I don't know what makes him think that he understand where I come from. I know nothing about his past. And little old me, who can't talk to anyone about anything has told him more than most. He expexts me to tell my life story and not want to know his. And, why I can't say all this to him is completely beyond me. And it makes me really hate myself because I'm too fucking weak to be able to speak to him. I hate myself for not being strong enough to not show him this side of me. I hate myself because I show him things, because he knows so much. I hate myself because I believe this relationship will go somewhere. I hate myself for having sex with him, because now it's like that's all I'm good for. I ahte how I can't believe that I'm good enough. I hate being shy, and meek, and placid, and dishonest and honest, hate not beign able to talk. I ahte looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that I'm going no where. I hate how I can't control my emotions. I hate being over-emotional. I hate not understanding. I hate not having a voice.I hate having conversations in my head, making me seem stronger than I am, and then holding back.Why can't I just speak? Why can't I just say things, and have it be that? Why? Why am I here? 3.23.05
I'm currently on the natural version of prozac. I think it works. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. I went away. And I fucked someone else. But while i was having sex I kept thinking about him. About the differences, how I miss him. He's supposed to decide what he wants to do. But I think he forgot. I think he doesn't care. After all those hours of worrying that he didn't love me that he would be leaving, he did. And everyone thought I was crazy for thinking like that. But I knew. I feel like a whore. In a non-slutty way. Only two people are going to know. That's it.it wasn't cheating. Right? Because we weren't together, and he told me not to wait for him. I'm an awful person. 4.25.05
I told him I loved him, and he sat there and laughed until he kissed me. I woke up. I forgot. Then I let it slipped. I repeated exactly what my dream was warning me against, and I didn't listen. I didn't even mean to say, it sort of fell out. And, then he smiled, chuckled and kissed me. I felt like the biggest fool. I mean, I didn't really want to say it, I don't even know if I meant it. But no matter it just fell out. Then I continued to get grumpy, because who wouldn't after making a fool of themselves?!? And then he got all defensive, and said that he didn't want to say "that" until he meant it. But he said it in a condisending way, like I had said it without meaning and he stood there waiting for me to take it back. Well, maybe I should have. Maybe I should have just looked him in the eye, and been like "oops, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that that.'Cause I don't really feel that, not all the way, not like I should. SO, let's just forget I said it. Let's forget I ever said anything at all." That's what I should have done. No, I just continued to think, to avoid. Now, I just feel used. Like, the only reason he took me back into his life was because he can't stand being alone, he got bored of watching porn and jacking off. I mean, what else is a skank for? Right? I'm just there to entertain him when there's nothing else to do. I mean that what i thought. I continued to think, but I gave up on it. Forgot. Now, it's back. I give up. I can't sit here and pretend that I'm something more than an easy fuck, an ego boost, a pretty face to keep around so he knows he's still desirable. Well, know what?! Fuck you. I don't need your shit. I don't need to feel like I'm some bad person because you can't stand to be alone. That's the only reason I'm back and you know it. You're just too much of a pussy to say anything. And that's a good thing too. But, you need to tell. You need to tell me before I hurt myself. Before you desert me again. You need to tell me that I'm nothing more than a cheap fuck and good time. You don't care about love anymore. And, the sad part is, I didn't even feel it. Pathetic. The more I think about it, the more I'll believe. And that's a good thing. I can make myself hate him. I can make myself bitter. Not care. Be completely indifferent. I'll make hiim hurt. I don't know why. Maybe just because I can. What other reason do I need? 5.16.05
I've become nothing more then his whore. Fuck and run. Good motto. This way you don't get hurt, right?!?!? You won't get hurt anymore. She fucked you over and you hate her for it,and now you won't open up. You won't let everyone know that you love me, you won't hold my hand, you won't run to meet me at my classes. There's no sign of affection. You just fuck and fuck and fuck. You fuck without caring. I told myself I wouldn't fuck you til I loved you, til you loved me. I guess I can't even keep a promise to myself. Way to be a winner. I didn't try hard enough. It's my own fault I feel like your whore. It's my own fault I'm your personal slut. You know I'll do anything you ask, you imply at. My own fault. Everything is my fault. Everything. I'm the reason for my parent's divorce, my own unhappiness. I'm the reason for everything. It's just the way things are. You can't avoid it. 5.27.05
I wish he loved me. That's all I want. Well, sort of. I don't want to feel like I'm being used, or I'm ruining his life. Or that I'm his little whore. None of this. I want to stay with him. I know we won't. We probably won't be together much longer. I told him I liked to push people away. Maybe I do. I dunno. But either way, I push, and no one fights back. He sure doesn't. Oh well.I guess there's nothing I can do to change his mind. 6.08.05
Do you ever wonder if maybe, you picked the wrong person? I mean, there was two of them at the same time. I thought about Will more than I did Matty. But Matty made a move, well a less subtle move. I knew him better. Maybe I was just afraid of learning about Will. Afraid that this fantasy I had would just disperse if I learned anything about him. It did for a while, but now it's back. How awful am I? I make him promise not to forget me. But I didn't make the promise in return. I'm not saying that I will forget him, but it's not like I have to remember. What if, I was meant to be with Will, but I was too scared, intimidated, of trying anything. I think that's why I have such an obsession with JJ. He looks and talks so much like Will. I love JJ, but I love him more because he reminds me of something that I could of had if I tried. I mean, Will told his friends about me, I don't know what he said, but he told Liz I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. I don't know if Matty has ever told me I'm beautiful. I think that's one of the things that bothers me so much. How awful is that? I'm bothered that Matty doesn't think I'm beautiful. What a vain little girl I am. But Will is everything I ever looked for. Artistic, writer, boarder, guitarist, big on music, adorable, sweet, nice to look at.. I mean, I'm a fucking idiot. I made a mistake, and now I can't go back. I can only go forward. Maybe start something anyways. Maybe when I'm feeling spontaneous. 6.24.05
I can't do this anymore. It gets heavier and heavier each day.I feel more and more alone. Less loved. Forgetten. Rejected. It's like nothing I do is right. Every action causes more pain, hurt, suffereing, tears, numbness. I liked feeling nothing more than feeling this. Maybe that's a step in the right direction. Like, feeling this pain is better than not feeling it. But it feels as if there's this giant hole in the middle of my chest, and there's this enormous weight just resting on me, making it so hard to breathe. What if it gets too hard? What if I can't breathe anymore? What then? What happens to me when my lungs refuse to work? What then? What's going to happen me? What if I can't be fixed? What if people realize they can't love me? What if he realizes that he doesn't and he won't love me? So, what's the point? What's the point in continuing this relationship? I feel like he won't understand. I tried to explain everything to him as best as I could. It was like he wasn't even listening to me. Like what I was saying was just a joke. I don't want to be a joke to him. Not him, not anyone. 7.6.05
When a person reaches the point in their life, where they realize that they have no one but their mother, what do they live for? Who do they go to? Who do I go to? I have no friends. The people I consider friends are, well, not. They're boycotting me now. Good friends, huh? I guess I would too. I would too. That's worse though. I would boycott myself if I could. Wow! way to to be a winner. I saw Will. Giant smile. Giddy. No chance. Too bad. Why bother? 7.9.05
He fucked Kelsey. While we were on break. But still. Kelsey!!! of all the fucking people he choose her. And he knows how insecure I've always been about them. I'm a mess. I can't function. I can't be near him. And he just makes me feel like a slut because I slept with someone I didn't know. BUt mine was different. Mine wasn't "hey! maybe I'm still in love with this chick after almost a year of being together with someone else!" No! god no. mine was more out of spite. I felt like the biggest slut afterwords. I couldn't tell him becuase I was so afraid of what he would say and what he would think. Christ! I felt dirty, and like I was being unfaithful and that I was ruining the relationship I was going to get back into. Maybe I should just end it. Save future hurt, end it while it's bad. God! I've heard that I'm beautiful from a stranger more times than I ever had Matty. Maybe he only finds me "hot" and nothing else. I just want to feel special. Even if I'm not. I want to know that I'm cared for. I want to feel special. "And the moon can only frown because it will never be as beautiful as you" I want that. He won't give it to me becuase I'm not Kelsey.Fuck it. I can't be her. I really don't want to be her. That just seems to be too much effort. He won't understand. He can't be someone different to me. I just want to feel special. 8.5.05
FUCK!!! I fucked up. I messed it up. I didn't mean to, I ddin;t want to. But I did. And now I'm a mess. This was not my intention. I didn't want to end it. Not now. Not yet. Not ever. But, that wouldn't have worked.fuck8.5.05
I'm so sick of feeling ugly. Of feeling worthless. I'm sick and tired of feeling like he's ashamed of me. Like everyone's ashamed of me. I hate feeling like I messed up. Like I choose the wrong thing, the wrong person. Why can't I be beautiful in his eyes? Why can't I be around his friends? It's always been Will over Matty, in everything. But, Will never made the move I wanted him to. Kelly was there, she wanted him. I chose a friendship over a boy. Matty was there, and I wanted Matty like I wanted Will. But not in the same way. Will, was. No. Will is this person, who's like my ultimate. My perfect. He's what I want, he's my out-of-my-league-boy. He's the guy that until I get, I will probably want until I die. Not as much, but it will still be there. He's desire personified how I want him. God! and he smells, so fucking good. Like, good and clean. Not smothered with cologne. Matty's the good boy. He plays by the rules. He's a secret, but not in the mysterious way that Will is, he's just locked up. And upfront about being locked up. Thinking about seducing Will gives chills, and a devilish smile. There's probably nothing I could gain from Will by hooking up with him, but my god, It would so be worth it. Definitely. I'm sick of being tied down. Relationships aren't for me. And, I've been more Matty's fuck partner in crime, than anything else. I just wanted to be a friend,someone he could talk to. But I ask to much, and get sex instead. whatever 8.12.05
someone out there does not want me to be happy. who ever is overseeing my life just loves to watch me fall. they love to build me up, slowly of course. they love watching me taste bliss. they love to watch me get fcuked over again and again and angain and again. its this neverending cycle. im just not allowed to have a good time. im not allowed to be with people that care about me. because i still haven't found them. i mean, sure, people do care. but not enough to keep one fucking night open so that a few of us can hang out, have a good time. no, that's not fcuking allowed. well then whats the fucking point? why bother even trying to be happy. why bother trying to be anything at all if its just oging to get fucked up? everything that ive ever looked forward to has been sent to hell and hasnt come back yet. so why both trying to make plans. why bother trying to have friends?? they all just love to watch me collapse. well fuck them all. i dont need them. they wont hear from me anymore. i,m almost done with them. they're already through with me. one phone call, one final meeting and we;ll be through with each other, just like they've always fucking wanted by never had the fucking courage to say any goddamn thing about it. so they can all screw themselves and go straight to fucking hell.. I wont help them. i wont look back. not anymore. there's no use for them anymore. they only make me fall.8.13.05
I broke it off. I week ago from sunday. so that would be the 14th? it was obviously the best decision, mainly because it was the only one that could be made. If I waited, maybe that would have made me happier, but I don't know if I wold have been able to let go. like the following weeks would only bring me closer, in some way or another. and I just owuldn't be able to let go. I would just wnat to holld on. and I would have if h e wasn't going to college. I could. I really could and that scares the shit out of me. and everyone thinks I'm goign to fucking kill myself now. im not. I'm over that, for the most part.I think the hardest part is knowing that I've just been taken out of his life so fucking easily, out of everyone's lives and no one fucking notices. thye never will. with or without me they'll go on, like I was never there to begin with. I'm nothing now. nothing at all. maybe I never was, but theyre all so good at lying they made me believe. and now I've been scratched out like I'm fucking nothing, like I never was anything. i want to know what's so fucking great about kelsey? what makes every guy she's with just fall and become pathetic dogs aroudn her? what is it? why cna't I be fucking happy? why can't I be fucking normal??? what the fuck did I do to ever deserve this? what did I do to feel like this, to think like this, to be ntohing? why am I always the one that ends up hurt no matter what happens? I odn't know anymore. I'm tired of feeling.I sick of being hurt. I'm tired of this life. I just don't know anything anymroe. things seem so right, yet they feel wrong and nothing's going to right it. I just don't understand. I try. I do. I try so hard. I want to be happy. so why can't I? why can't I be like everyone else and be fucking happy?!!?!?! I want to be happy. I want friends. I want people to like me. iwant them to never forget me. I want thme to think of me as more than ntohign. but that's never going to happen. not now, not ever, not with me. I'm just fucked... 8.19.05
TwistedxFaerie (12:38:59 PM): I hooked up with Will, but you already know that... I didnt fuck him, I don't hink I'm going to either. that should make you happy. I want you to know that I didn't do anything out of spite, I acted out of lust. I thought we were fine with one another, I am, but maybe you're not... I'm not asking for your forgiveness, because i don't feel like I need it. I know you don't like the idea of will, but there's nothing I can do about that... i don't know what the fuck you want from me, and I guess I can't give it to you... you have to know that my actions don't revolve around you, they don't revolve around anyone, they just happen, and i'm not one to stop them. I act on impulse, I don't think sometimes.. you can hate me if it will make you feel better, but I'm not gonna say I'm osrry, if that's hwat you're looking for. but I am sorry if I caused any sort of "highschooldrama" or any shit. Well, yea. I guess that eplains it all. God, I am such a whatver I am. and I just don't care anymore. And I like it. 9.4.05
School starts tomorrow. It makes me sick. There's nothing going on, but at the same time everything is fucking crazy. I haven't been this content in a long time.. it feels good to not be in a routine, to not feel like you belong to someone, to flirt and bat your eyelashes and have it be completely acceptable because you're not with anyone, to have guys not know you as "his girlfriend". Everything just feels good, nice, exciting. But, I want will. I want him however I can have him. preferably in my pants, but that probably won't happen. I dunno. When we kiss he doesn't touch me. I mean, he does, but not really sexually. His hand is on back, the nape of my neck, my jaw line. I dunno. I miss being touched. Oh well. 9.5.05
I just love getting what i want. I love being drunk and with people. I love waking up next to a gorgeous half naked boy in my bed. I love feeling like this. Like, I dunno. Like things are actually going to be okay. I'm going to be fine. I'm not going to die in a year. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to continue to have fun. I'm not going to let the past rule my life. He has no control. He has no control. He has nothing. He isn't anyone. Not anymore. I'm not how I should be, but I'm not bad either. I'm fine. I'm happy. Well, I'm content. I'm enjoying his company. His touch. His voice. His thoughts. His everything. I don't want a relationship. I want what we have. I just hate the idea of being tied down, again. But it's not like being tied down. I don't want to be taken for granted again. I mean, I don't need to be forgotten and stepped all over again. I'm afraid that if we did start some sort of serious relationship he wouls think that because I was 'his' that he wouldn't have to be how he is now. He wouldn't have to tell be that he thinks I'm beautiful. He wouldn't have to be cute, or sweet. I like him like this too much to want him to change. It's selfish I know. But I just don't care. He makes me feel something. I don't know. Maybe I'm just growing up. Getting out of my shell. Realizing things are different.That I'm different. I'm not different in class, but out of I am. Isn't that all that matters though? I mean, if someone is going to dimiss me because how quiet I am during a class, and not bother seeing the different side to me, well then are they really worth to be in my life? I enjoy the honesty. I enjoy not seeing him hide. I don't know why. Maybe because it breaks down all the barriers. I dunno. I'm just blind. I got what I want and I'm not willing to see things in any other light than how I want them. But, that's how I always am. Well, most of the time. I'll either pick you apart, or not care at all. It's just what i do. I enjoy it, It entertains me. I'm content. I'm crazy. And I love it. 9.11.05
what the fuck? talk about mood swings.' I just don't know anymore. Everything was so clear the other day. Now, I'm struggling. I won't let this get to me. I won't let it win. 9.14.05
How is it that the girl who didn’t want a relationship finds herself in “something”? He’s too good for me though. He’ll notice it one day. I’m afraid, again. Afraid of so much, of everything I don’t know. That’s a lot. I can’t write right now. I just can’t. I’m too lost. “You’re still with that guy? I thought you would have dropped him by now.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Do people seem me as some huge whore? I’m not. I never was. With all my talk, I never could be. That’s all I am really. Talk. Lines, Words. They’re not mine, but somehow I still say them as if they belonged to me. As if I owed them and believed them. But why would I drop him? I can’t. He has this comforting quality that I can’t explain. I don’t know if he has it with anyone else, but with me, I feel safe. I feel safe with him, like things are going to be okay. I trust him. That’s scary. I kept a promise as well. I wanted to bad to feel physical pain, to hurt, to bleed, to anything but what I had. But I just collapsed and cried instead. And I screamed and yelled and cursed the world. But I kept my promise. I’m not breaking them anymore. I haven’t really. Just that one time. I’m usually good about promises…. As long as I’m not revealing things about myself. I don’t make those promises. I think I hate winter. Actually, I know I hate winter. The first snow, the first day off, and jackets are all that’s good with winter. OH! And hot chocolate. Mmm. I feel like everything I wrote was sometihn g he’d want to see. How silly to write for someone else, but we always do it. I can feel the moods changing with the cold. I ahte it. It’s not good. Not healthy. Not anything. It’s amazing how often this boy seems to come into my life, my ranting, my mind. I’d tell him, but I wouldn’t want to boost his ego. 10.11.05
Sometimes I wish my life was like a movie.Ya know? It wouldn't matter who I was. I just movie-esque moments. Everyone has them, at some point or another. And, because I'm selfish, I want mine too. I want a truly romatic moment. I want a story that I can tell people, now or when I"m older. I want a moment that will last forever. I want something so magical that you have to question if it actually happened. I don't want a lie. I want a faerie tale. I want a song written about me. I want to be serenaded. Le sigh. I have too much desire for romantic things.1.22.05
The bad thing about relationships is how they make you feel. Well, no. It's more of how they make you feel when you're alone. It's quite pathetic actually. I mean watching a romantic movie, and you come to the happy ending and the guy and girl are kissing, and you just get this feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you wish your lover could be there to spend it with you, but they're not. It's bad when you've never had a real relationship. But once you have things just become worse. because you know what you're missing. And your mind tells you that's what you should be having right now, but you're not. So, the longing is worse. Because that's how it is. Right? You know what you're missing and it's worse, but if you've never experienced you can't miss it, you just long for it. Which can be just as bad depending on what you're longing for. Love I've found is at the top of my list. Well, relationships in general. And kissing. And being held when you feel like shit. And kissing. When we're not together, as pathetic as it is, I miss kissing the most. I miss being held. This is why people like me shouln't be in relationships. We become dependent on something we shouldn't be dependent on. It makes us weaker. Oh well. I'm not complaining really. I think in all actuallity I'm better off with him here. Well, not better off, I'm just better. I don't think he'll ever know that he knows more about me than so many people. And yet, he still knows nothing. But there's nothing to tell. I dunno. My life is boring. There's nothing to it. It's just me, and I don't know what else. It's very bad having someone like him as a fist love. Because some part of me will always subconsciencly compare him to anyone that might follow. And, maybe that's better. It will keep my away from anyone who might harm me. Oh well. That's too far ahead. For now, I love him. And, he makes me so happy. I just wish I could do the same.1.23.05
I love him. I really do, and if I don't then I guess I'm just telling myself I am. But that seems so silly. I'm giving up sex with Matty til I know what's going on. I'm keeping things civil and alive because, he leaving with me, and deep down inside I know I love him still. But, I think the lust just died away. I don't know why, it just has. I guess, it's mostly because my mind is wandering. I'm so young, and I feel trapped at times. I want to walk around and feel sexy. I want to see men, guys, boys, staring at me. I want to be able to stare back, tempt them, seduce them without feeling like I'm being a whore. I love being with the guys. But I'd prefer being with the guys. I still want to hang out with them. Sleep over. Get drunk. Get high. Laugh. But, I want all this, while they know that I'm available for the taking. There's noone I want to be with besides Matty. But,I still want. And, that's not good. 'Cause I know if I was given the chance, with the right person, I could cheat on him. And that's even worse that just wanting it. But I know I would crack, in one way or another. This is awful. Just plain awful. Both the situation and my state of mind. Maybe, if i do things with other people and not him then I'll realize how much he means to me. No, it's not that I don't know how much he means to me, I do. I just don't know if I still feel the same. Current song feeling of the moment: Fast as You Can, Criminal, and A Mistake by Fiona Apple. Chick power hidden behind angry lyrics about cheating, love, and life. Exactly what I need. 2.1.05
Is it bad that I really don't care? I don't care that I'm leaving for a year, and there will be no way that I could come back. I think my attitude about this bothers my mother. If I leave, I know I'll come back and appreciate everything and one so much more than I do now. I need to be thrown outside of my comfort zone. I think Matty hates. I think he's sick of me. I think everyone is. You know I've gotten too close to someone when I have absolutely no problem just freaking out for no reason with them there. And, it's not like vitamins are going to save me from this rediculous mentallity. I'm just so sick of feeling worthless. I know I can be better, and I am better than what people see in certain aspects, and worse in others. I really am afraid of leaving. Especially if I end up going to South Africa. I've been sheltered my whole life. I'm scared. I'll miss my family. But, this is life, this is what i want. This is it. There's not turning back now. I 'm finishing my application by the end of the week, hopefully, and mailing it out soon after that. I hope I'm allowed to leave. 2.7.05
Is it bad that I want to seduce people. Well, not people. Just men. Boys. Guys. Whatever. Just for one night, I want to get dressed up with the intent of catching the eye of every guy in a place. Single or not. I don't care. I just want to. I want to flirt. I want to go to a party in heels, a short skirt, and a nice top. I want to tempt. I don't want to do anything with any of these guys. I just want to stare, bite my lip, seduce. I want them, no matter how drunk, no matter how high, to remember me. I want to be able to walk in a room and have every girl wish she were me, have every guy wish they were with me in anyway, and everyone to want to know who I was. I don't so much want to impress, as much as I want to stun. I want guys to think of me in every way. I want them to imagine me in their fantasies. I want to be able to wink at a guy and have him follow me to the end of the world. I want everything that won't happen and I enjoy revelling in my fantasies. If I could I would. Boyfriend or not. And if I did he shouldn't care, because it's not like I'd be doing this because I want any of them, in anyway. It's just I want the attention and I want to know that I could do that to a guy. And, it has nothing to do with sluts or whores. I just want to tempt, not touch./Main Entry: femme fatale Part of Speech: noun Definition: dangerously seductive woman Synonyms: coquette, courtesan, deadly lady, deadly woman, enchantress, flirt, seductress, siren, temptress, vamp/ Yeas, that is really all I want. Maybe it's selfish, but so what. It is my life and if I'm not allowed to think of myself, who will? 2.12.05
I'm scared. No, not scared. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being alone. I cried tonight, because I know that Matty will leave me in a few more months. He'll get older, go through college, get different girlfriends, different lovers, and he'll find the one girl who he thinks he's perfect for. And, she'll be beautiful, funny, smart, and a wonderful person. She'll be everything he's ever wanted. She'll love the winter and snow. She'll want children. They'll get married. Live a perfect life, have amazing children. Live somewhere cold with gorgeous summers. He'll never be alone. People like him are never alone. They always have someone. That someone is always amazing. I'll be alone forever once Matty leaves. I'll grow old. My parents will one day die when it's their time. My brother will grow up, have children, a family. I'll die. No one will come to my funeral, because the only person who will ever know alot about me will be married, sitting by the fireplace with his children and grandchildren, talking about the good times. Sometimes I think I could grow up with him, and I would marry him. I would have his children if I was older. But I'm not going to make him stay with me once he goes to college. I'm not so niave that I think it would last while I was still in high school. I'm not going to say that he's mine, when I'm sure by the time that he got to college he would like to fool around with a a few girls here and there without feeling like he's attatched to me or being afriad that he would cheat on me. I guess, I should prepare myself for a long life of let downs and no one to turn to but my mother. 3.6.05
I feel like there are things wrong. Like I should be doing something I'm not, like I'm missing out on something. I can't seem to speak in front of people without feeling like they're waiting for me to fail, in which case I become red and do indeed fail. We need to get over that small delemna. "Feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took." I feel like Matty can't be himself around me. I feel like I've scared him into watching what he says around me, afraid that he'll set loose another "Bianca Episode". I don't want him to think that, or even want him to change. He doesn't realize that he's in a catch twenty-two. No matter what he decides to do, it could end up bothering both me and him. If he feels that he has t change to keep me happy I would have him break up with me than continue on like something's wrong but he doesn't want to talk to me. I dunno. I'll just let things go. 3.15.05
About 9 months of going out, more than a year and half of knowing ech other, and I still know nothing. I try to talk, but I can't. I've been programmed so that I can't explain myself, that I'm too scared to. I dunno. He knows that I feel like we don't know anyting about each other. Well, no, I feel like I know nothing about him. Like, he knows about my dad, and my mental state of mind, and how I used to cut. He knows all of this. He knows how I feel about myself, how I act, how I am. I know nothing. I know that his family appears perfect, everything is given to him, he's one of the luckiest people I've ever met. I don't know what happened to his mum or why he feels like his life isn't pefect. I don't know what makes him think that he understand where I come from. I know nothing about his past. And little old me, who can't talk to anyone about anything has told him more than most. He expexts me to tell my life story and not want to know his. And, why I can't say all this to him is completely beyond me. And it makes me really hate myself because I'm too fucking weak to be able to speak to him. I hate myself for not being strong enough to not show him this side of me. I hate myself because I show him things, because he knows so much. I hate myself because I believe this relationship will go somewhere. I hate myself for having sex with him, because now it's like that's all I'm good for. I ahte how I can't believe that I'm good enough. I hate being shy, and meek, and placid, and dishonest and honest, hate not beign able to talk. I ahte looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that I'm going no where. I hate how I can't control my emotions. I hate being over-emotional. I hate not understanding. I hate not having a voice.I hate having conversations in my head, making me seem stronger than I am, and then holding back.Why can't I just speak? Why can't I just say things, and have it be that? Why? Why am I here? 3.23.05
I'm currently on the natural version of prozac. I think it works. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. I went away. And I fucked someone else. But while i was having sex I kept thinking about him. About the differences, how I miss him. He's supposed to decide what he wants to do. But I think he forgot. I think he doesn't care. After all those hours of worrying that he didn't love me that he would be leaving, he did. And everyone thought I was crazy for thinking like that. But I knew. I feel like a whore. In a non-slutty way. Only two people are going to know. That's it.it wasn't cheating. Right? Because we weren't together, and he told me not to wait for him. I'm an awful person. 4.25.05
I told him I loved him, and he sat there and laughed until he kissed me. I woke up. I forgot. Then I let it slipped. I repeated exactly what my dream was warning me against, and I didn't listen. I didn't even mean to say, it sort of fell out. And, then he smiled, chuckled and kissed me. I felt like the biggest fool. I mean, I didn't really want to say it, I don't even know if I meant it. But no matter it just fell out. Then I continued to get grumpy, because who wouldn't after making a fool of themselves?!? And then he got all defensive, and said that he didn't want to say "that" until he meant it. But he said it in a condisending way, like I had said it without meaning and he stood there waiting for me to take it back. Well, maybe I should have. Maybe I should have just looked him in the eye, and been like "oops, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that that.'Cause I don't really feel that, not all the way, not like I should. SO, let's just forget I said it. Let's forget I ever said anything at all." That's what I should have done. No, I just continued to think, to avoid. Now, I just feel used. Like, the only reason he took me back into his life was because he can't stand being alone, he got bored of watching porn and jacking off. I mean, what else is a skank for? Right? I'm just there to entertain him when there's nothing else to do. I mean that what i thought. I continued to think, but I gave up on it. Forgot. Now, it's back. I give up. I can't sit here and pretend that I'm something more than an easy fuck, an ego boost, a pretty face to keep around so he knows he's still desirable. Well, know what?! Fuck you. I don't need your shit. I don't need to feel like I'm some bad person because you can't stand to be alone. That's the only reason I'm back and you know it. You're just too much of a pussy to say anything. And that's a good thing too. But, you need to tell. You need to tell me before I hurt myself. Before you desert me again. You need to tell me that I'm nothing more than a cheap fuck and good time. You don't care about love anymore. And, the sad part is, I didn't even feel it. Pathetic. The more I think about it, the more I'll believe. And that's a good thing. I can make myself hate him. I can make myself bitter. Not care. Be completely indifferent. I'll make hiim hurt. I don't know why. Maybe just because I can. What other reason do I need? 5.16.05
I've become nothing more then his whore. Fuck and run. Good motto. This way you don't get hurt, right?!?!? You won't get hurt anymore. She fucked you over and you hate her for it,and now you won't open up. You won't let everyone know that you love me, you won't hold my hand, you won't run to meet me at my classes. There's no sign of affection. You just fuck and fuck and fuck. You fuck without caring. I told myself I wouldn't fuck you til I loved you, til you loved me. I guess I can't even keep a promise to myself. Way to be a winner. I didn't try hard enough. It's my own fault I feel like your whore. It's my own fault I'm your personal slut. You know I'll do anything you ask, you imply at. My own fault. Everything is my fault. Everything. I'm the reason for my parent's divorce, my own unhappiness. I'm the reason for everything. It's just the way things are. You can't avoid it. 5.27.05
I wish he loved me. That's all I want. Well, sort of. I don't want to feel like I'm being used, or I'm ruining his life. Or that I'm his little whore. None of this. I want to stay with him. I know we won't. We probably won't be together much longer. I told him I liked to push people away. Maybe I do. I dunno. But either way, I push, and no one fights back. He sure doesn't. Oh well.I guess there's nothing I can do to change his mind. 6.08.05
Do you ever wonder if maybe, you picked the wrong person? I mean, there was two of them at the same time. I thought about Will more than I did Matty. But Matty made a move, well a less subtle move. I knew him better. Maybe I was just afraid of learning about Will. Afraid that this fantasy I had would just disperse if I learned anything about him. It did for a while, but now it's back. How awful am I? I make him promise not to forget me. But I didn't make the promise in return. I'm not saying that I will forget him, but it's not like I have to remember. What if, I was meant to be with Will, but I was too scared, intimidated, of trying anything. I think that's why I have such an obsession with JJ. He looks and talks so much like Will. I love JJ, but I love him more because he reminds me of something that I could of had if I tried. I mean, Will told his friends about me, I don't know what he said, but he told Liz I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. I don't know if Matty has ever told me I'm beautiful. I think that's one of the things that bothers me so much. How awful is that? I'm bothered that Matty doesn't think I'm beautiful. What a vain little girl I am. But Will is everything I ever looked for. Artistic, writer, boarder, guitarist, big on music, adorable, sweet, nice to look at.. I mean, I'm a fucking idiot. I made a mistake, and now I can't go back. I can only go forward. Maybe start something anyways. Maybe when I'm feeling spontaneous. 6.24.05
I can't do this anymore. It gets heavier and heavier each day.I feel more and more alone. Less loved. Forgetten. Rejected. It's like nothing I do is right. Every action causes more pain, hurt, suffereing, tears, numbness. I liked feeling nothing more than feeling this. Maybe that's a step in the right direction. Like, feeling this pain is better than not feeling it. But it feels as if there's this giant hole in the middle of my chest, and there's this enormous weight just resting on me, making it so hard to breathe. What if it gets too hard? What if I can't breathe anymore? What then? What happens to me when my lungs refuse to work? What then? What's going to happen me? What if I can't be fixed? What if people realize they can't love me? What if he realizes that he doesn't and he won't love me? So, what's the point? What's the point in continuing this relationship? I feel like he won't understand. I tried to explain everything to him as best as I could. It was like he wasn't even listening to me. Like what I was saying was just a joke. I don't want to be a joke to him. Not him, not anyone. 7.6.05
When a person reaches the point in their life, where they realize that they have no one but their mother, what do they live for? Who do they go to? Who do I go to? I have no friends. The people I consider friends are, well, not. They're boycotting me now. Good friends, huh? I guess I would too. I would too. That's worse though. I would boycott myself if I could. Wow! way to to be a winner. I saw Will. Giant smile. Giddy. No chance. Too bad. Why bother? 7.9.05
He fucked Kelsey. While we were on break. But still. Kelsey!!! of all the fucking people he choose her. And he knows how insecure I've always been about them. I'm a mess. I can't function. I can't be near him. And he just makes me feel like a slut because I slept with someone I didn't know. BUt mine was different. Mine wasn't "hey! maybe I'm still in love with this chick after almost a year of being together with someone else!" No! god no. mine was more out of spite. I felt like the biggest slut afterwords. I couldn't tell him becuase I was so afraid of what he would say and what he would think. Christ! I felt dirty, and like I was being unfaithful and that I was ruining the relationship I was going to get back into. Maybe I should just end it. Save future hurt, end it while it's bad. God! I've heard that I'm beautiful from a stranger more times than I ever had Matty. Maybe he only finds me "hot" and nothing else. I just want to feel special. Even if I'm not. I want to know that I'm cared for. I want to feel special. "And the moon can only frown because it will never be as beautiful as you" I want that. He won't give it to me becuase I'm not Kelsey.Fuck it. I can't be her. I really don't want to be her. That just seems to be too much effort. He won't understand. He can't be someone different to me. I just want to feel special. 8.5.05
FUCK!!! I fucked up. I messed it up. I didn't mean to, I ddin;t want to. But I did. And now I'm a mess. This was not my intention. I didn't want to end it. Not now. Not yet. Not ever. But, that wouldn't have worked.fuck8.5.05
I'm so sick of feeling ugly. Of feeling worthless. I'm sick and tired of feeling like he's ashamed of me. Like everyone's ashamed of me. I hate feeling like I messed up. Like I choose the wrong thing, the wrong person. Why can't I be beautiful in his eyes? Why can't I be around his friends? It's always been Will over Matty, in everything. But, Will never made the move I wanted him to. Kelly was there, she wanted him. I chose a friendship over a boy. Matty was there, and I wanted Matty like I wanted Will. But not in the same way. Will, was. No. Will is this person, who's like my ultimate. My perfect. He's what I want, he's my out-of-my-league-boy. He's the guy that until I get, I will probably want until I die. Not as much, but it will still be there. He's desire personified how I want him. God! and he smells, so fucking good. Like, good and clean. Not smothered with cologne. Matty's the good boy. He plays by the rules. He's a secret, but not in the mysterious way that Will is, he's just locked up. And upfront about being locked up. Thinking about seducing Will gives chills, and a devilish smile. There's probably nothing I could gain from Will by hooking up with him, but my god, It would so be worth it. Definitely. I'm sick of being tied down. Relationships aren't for me. And, I've been more Matty's fuck partner in crime, than anything else. I just wanted to be a friend,someone he could talk to. But I ask to much, and get sex instead. whatever 8.12.05
someone out there does not want me to be happy. who ever is overseeing my life just loves to watch me fall. they love to build me up, slowly of course. they love watching me taste bliss. they love to watch me get fcuked over again and again and angain and again. its this neverending cycle. im just not allowed to have a good time. im not allowed to be with people that care about me. because i still haven't found them. i mean, sure, people do care. but not enough to keep one fucking night open so that a few of us can hang out, have a good time. no, that's not fcuking allowed. well then whats the fucking point? why bother even trying to be happy. why bother trying to be anything at all if its just oging to get fucked up? everything that ive ever looked forward to has been sent to hell and hasnt come back yet. so why both trying to make plans. why bother trying to have friends?? they all just love to watch me collapse. well fuck them all. i dont need them. they wont hear from me anymore. i,m almost done with them. they're already through with me. one phone call, one final meeting and we;ll be through with each other, just like they've always fucking wanted by never had the fucking courage to say any goddamn thing about it. so they can all screw themselves and go straight to fucking hell.. I wont help them. i wont look back. not anymore. there's no use for them anymore. they only make me fall.8.13.05
I broke it off. I week ago from sunday. so that would be the 14th? it was obviously the best decision, mainly because it was the only one that could be made. If I waited, maybe that would have made me happier, but I don't know if I wold have been able to let go. like the following weeks would only bring me closer, in some way or another. and I just owuldn't be able to let go. I would just wnat to holld on. and I would have if h e wasn't going to college. I could. I really could and that scares the shit out of me. and everyone thinks I'm goign to fucking kill myself now. im not. I'm over that, for the most part.I think the hardest part is knowing that I've just been taken out of his life so fucking easily, out of everyone's lives and no one fucking notices. thye never will. with or without me they'll go on, like I was never there to begin with. I'm nothing now. nothing at all. maybe I never was, but theyre all so good at lying they made me believe. and now I've been scratched out like I'm fucking nothing, like I never was anything. i want to know what's so fucking great about kelsey? what makes every guy she's with just fall and become pathetic dogs aroudn her? what is it? why cna't I be fucking happy? why can't I be fucking normal??? what the fuck did I do to ever deserve this? what did I do to feel like this, to think like this, to be ntohing? why am I always the one that ends up hurt no matter what happens? I odn't know anymore. I'm tired of feeling.I sick of being hurt. I'm tired of this life. I just don't know anything anymroe. things seem so right, yet they feel wrong and nothing's going to right it. I just don't understand. I try. I do. I try so hard. I want to be happy. so why can't I? why can't I be like everyone else and be fucking happy?!!?!?! I want to be happy. I want friends. I want people to like me. iwant them to never forget me. I want thme to think of me as more than ntohign. but that's never going to happen. not now, not ever, not with me. I'm just fucked... 8.19.05
TwistedxFaerie (12:38:59 PM): I hooked up with Will, but you already know that... I didnt fuck him, I don't hink I'm going to either. that should make you happy. I want you to know that I didn't do anything out of spite, I acted out of lust. I thought we were fine with one another, I am, but maybe you're not... I'm not asking for your forgiveness, because i don't feel like I need it. I know you don't like the idea of will, but there's nothing I can do about that... i don't know what the fuck you want from me, and I guess I can't give it to you... you have to know that my actions don't revolve around you, they don't revolve around anyone, they just happen, and i'm not one to stop them. I act on impulse, I don't think sometimes.. you can hate me if it will make you feel better, but I'm not gonna say I'm osrry, if that's hwat you're looking for. but I am sorry if I caused any sort of "highschooldrama" or any shit. Well, yea. I guess that eplains it all. God, I am such a whatver I am. and I just don't care anymore. And I like it. 9.4.05
School starts tomorrow. It makes me sick. There's nothing going on, but at the same time everything is fucking crazy. I haven't been this content in a long time.. it feels good to not be in a routine, to not feel like you belong to someone, to flirt and bat your eyelashes and have it be completely acceptable because you're not with anyone, to have guys not know you as "his girlfriend". Everything just feels good, nice, exciting. But, I want will. I want him however I can have him. preferably in my pants, but that probably won't happen. I dunno. When we kiss he doesn't touch me. I mean, he does, but not really sexually. His hand is on back, the nape of my neck, my jaw line. I dunno. I miss being touched. Oh well. 9.5.05
I just love getting what i want. I love being drunk and with people. I love waking up next to a gorgeous half naked boy in my bed. I love feeling like this. Like, I dunno. Like things are actually going to be okay. I'm going to be fine. I'm not going to die in a year. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to continue to have fun. I'm not going to let the past rule my life. He has no control. He has no control. He has nothing. He isn't anyone. Not anymore. I'm not how I should be, but I'm not bad either. I'm fine. I'm happy. Well, I'm content. I'm enjoying his company. His touch. His voice. His thoughts. His everything. I don't want a relationship. I want what we have. I just hate the idea of being tied down, again. But it's not like being tied down. I don't want to be taken for granted again. I mean, I don't need to be forgotten and stepped all over again. I'm afraid that if we did start some sort of serious relationship he wouls think that because I was 'his' that he wouldn't have to be how he is now. He wouldn't have to tell be that he thinks I'm beautiful. He wouldn't have to be cute, or sweet. I like him like this too much to want him to change. It's selfish I know. But I just don't care. He makes me feel something. I don't know. Maybe I'm just growing up. Getting out of my shell. Realizing things are different.That I'm different. I'm not different in class, but out of I am. Isn't that all that matters though? I mean, if someone is going to dimiss me because how quiet I am during a class, and not bother seeing the different side to me, well then are they really worth to be in my life? I enjoy the honesty. I enjoy not seeing him hide. I don't know why. Maybe because it breaks down all the barriers. I dunno. I'm just blind. I got what I want and I'm not willing to see things in any other light than how I want them. But, that's how I always am. Well, most of the time. I'll either pick you apart, or not care at all. It's just what i do. I enjoy it, It entertains me. I'm content. I'm crazy. And I love it. 9.11.05
what the fuck? talk about mood swings.' I just don't know anymore. Everything was so clear the other day. Now, I'm struggling. I won't let this get to me. I won't let it win. 9.14.05
How is it that the girl who didn’t want a relationship finds herself in “something”? He’s too good for me though. He’ll notice it one day. I’m afraid, again. Afraid of so much, of everything I don’t know. That’s a lot. I can’t write right now. I just can’t. I’m too lost. “You’re still with that guy? I thought you would have dropped him by now.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Do people seem me as some huge whore? I’m not. I never was. With all my talk, I never could be. That’s all I am really. Talk. Lines, Words. They’re not mine, but somehow I still say them as if they belonged to me. As if I owed them and believed them. But why would I drop him? I can’t. He has this comforting quality that I can’t explain. I don’t know if he has it with anyone else, but with me, I feel safe. I feel safe with him, like things are going to be okay. I trust him. That’s scary. I kept a promise as well. I wanted to bad to feel physical pain, to hurt, to bleed, to anything but what I had. But I just collapsed and cried instead. And I screamed and yelled and cursed the world. But I kept my promise. I’m not breaking them anymore. I haven’t really. Just that one time. I’m usually good about promises…. As long as I’m not revealing things about myself. I don’t make those promises. I think I hate winter. Actually, I know I hate winter. The first snow, the first day off, and jackets are all that’s good with winter. OH! And hot chocolate. Mmm. I feel like everything I wrote was sometihn g he’d want to see. How silly to write for someone else, but we always do it. I can feel the moods changing with the cold. I ahte it. It’s not good. Not healthy. Not anything. It’s amazing how often this boy seems to come into my life, my ranting, my mind. I’d tell him, but I wouldn’t want to boost his ego. 10.11.05