Crunching Ice
1:45 AM, Father's Day
Just got back from walking from downtown. Got a little lost, ended up taking about an hour and a half. At one point, I was about a half mile from Alyssa's place, but decided it'd be rude to knock on her door after midnight asking if I could crash out. And, given our history, she might think I was just being creepy. So, I kept walking. Whatta I find when I get home? An invitation to a party at her place tonight. ::chuckles, shakes head::
Water tastes good. Reason I was downtown was that I was watching Batman Begins at Block E for the second time this week (opening night was the 1st), with Dan Bayn and their crowd. Good folks, and older, which is nice. Still a great movie the second time around. The walk home was odd. There's a lot of places down there that have one kind of memory or emotional resonance for me. I've watched around a dozen movies in that theatre complex. I ate at the Applebees just outside it a little shy of a year ago, talking about 4th of July plans with Megan, convincing her I wouldn't embarrass her in front of her family. And a few other times, with Rob or other affiliates.
One corner was particularly striking. If I looked to the left, I could see the bus stop I waited for almost a year and a half at, to catch the bus back to Eagan after school. If I looked back, I could see the hotel I slept in after the big Fiddler's Green convention board party. And if I looked right, I could see the hotel and street that I ran an enormous fight scene in during my Mage campaign my junior year. Jon Becker blew a demon's brains out a few feet in front of the curb I was standing on. Strange, that something imaginary seems almost more real than my actual memories, standing there. It's so close to the real thing, your mind rushes in to fill in the gaps, because you want to believe, get lost in the fantasy for only a moment.
Getting lost, if only for a moment, has been something of a theme this week. Almost every night, I stayed up well past midnight, surfing the net or reading. Avoiding consciousness in every way possible but sleep. Made a few stupid mistakes at work, trying to move too quickly, trying to impress, not paying enough attention. Probably the sleep deprivation added into that. Still, everyone seems happy with me, so it must not be all bad. Had an argument with my mom about money, of all things, earlier in the week. Hasn't really been on my mind, but it was a negative modifier, I suppose. Saturday was Megan's birthday, I should have given her a call, but I didn't get back until a bit ago. Friday would have worked but I was feeling pretty depressed, so it probably would have gone poorly.
I really don't know why I'm feeling so out. It's probably just the lack of sleep. Springtime brings back memories of what it was like to have somebody in my life I care about, which I miss. Er, in a romantic sense. I care about my friends too, of course. But there's a certain level of intimacy (emotional more than physical, even) that I feel that I could only really have in a romantic relationship. And good ones take time, and I don't even have any prospects at the moment. There's things I can do to meet people, there's never an excuse for whining, always something you can be doing, etc. Somehow, this feels like a jobhunt.
More water, sleep in a bit. Watching Batman Begins got some wheels turning in my head, but I'm having trouble putting them into words. I know walking around the city tonight felt good. Most of my days are spent sitting in front of one of two computers, or shuttling between them in my enclosed car. I'm feeling more and more separated from the world around me, withdrawing. And not because people aren't trying to reach out to me, invite me, be friendly in the being-a-good-friend sense. Everyone's being really nice. But I literally feel like curling into a ball, shutting my eyes and trying to just not think. But that doesn't really work, because when I do, I just fall asleep, and then I wake up and I'm me again.
Things are really good now! I have a good job, good car, friends, family I'm on good terms with, a good degree in a good major from a good school. I'm not in great shape, but I'm ok. I live in a neighborhood I like, near things I enjoy. I have bills, but nothing I can't handle, especially with my new salary. I've got lots of opportinity for RPG games to be involved with, if I want them (don't laugh, it's a good thing), and regular social events I can attend without much pressur or effort. This is a time I know I'll look back on at some point in my life and think "hey, I had it pretty good back then".
Probably just the lack of sleep. Off to remedy that now. Pleasant dreams, all.
Just got back from walking from downtown. Got a little lost, ended up taking about an hour and a half. At one point, I was about a half mile from Alyssa's place, but decided it'd be rude to knock on her door after midnight asking if I could crash out. And, given our history, she might think I was just being creepy. So, I kept walking. Whatta I find when I get home? An invitation to a party at her place tonight. ::chuckles, shakes head::
Water tastes good. Reason I was downtown was that I was watching Batman Begins at Block E for the second time this week (opening night was the 1st), with Dan Bayn and their crowd. Good folks, and older, which is nice. Still a great movie the second time around. The walk home was odd. There's a lot of places down there that have one kind of memory or emotional resonance for me. I've watched around a dozen movies in that theatre complex. I ate at the Applebees just outside it a little shy of a year ago, talking about 4th of July plans with Megan, convincing her I wouldn't embarrass her in front of her family. And a few other times, with Rob or other affiliates.
One corner was particularly striking. If I looked to the left, I could see the bus stop I waited for almost a year and a half at, to catch the bus back to Eagan after school. If I looked back, I could see the hotel I slept in after the big Fiddler's Green convention board party. And if I looked right, I could see the hotel and street that I ran an enormous fight scene in during my Mage campaign my junior year. Jon Becker blew a demon's brains out a few feet in front of the curb I was standing on. Strange, that something imaginary seems almost more real than my actual memories, standing there. It's so close to the real thing, your mind rushes in to fill in the gaps, because you want to believe, get lost in the fantasy for only a moment.
Getting lost, if only for a moment, has been something of a theme this week. Almost every night, I stayed up well past midnight, surfing the net or reading. Avoiding consciousness in every way possible but sleep. Made a few stupid mistakes at work, trying to move too quickly, trying to impress, not paying enough attention. Probably the sleep deprivation added into that. Still, everyone seems happy with me, so it must not be all bad. Had an argument with my mom about money, of all things, earlier in the week. Hasn't really been on my mind, but it was a negative modifier, I suppose. Saturday was Megan's birthday, I should have given her a call, but I didn't get back until a bit ago. Friday would have worked but I was feeling pretty depressed, so it probably would have gone poorly.
I really don't know why I'm feeling so out. It's probably just the lack of sleep. Springtime brings back memories of what it was like to have somebody in my life I care about, which I miss. Er, in a romantic sense. I care about my friends too, of course. But there's a certain level of intimacy (emotional more than physical, even) that I feel that I could only really have in a romantic relationship. And good ones take time, and I don't even have any prospects at the moment. There's things I can do to meet people, there's never an excuse for whining, always something you can be doing, etc. Somehow, this feels like a jobhunt.
More water, sleep in a bit. Watching Batman Begins got some wheels turning in my head, but I'm having trouble putting them into words. I know walking around the city tonight felt good. Most of my days are spent sitting in front of one of two computers, or shuttling between them in my enclosed car. I'm feeling more and more separated from the world around me, withdrawing. And not because people aren't trying to reach out to me, invite me, be friendly in the being-a-good-friend sense. Everyone's being really nice. But I literally feel like curling into a ball, shutting my eyes and trying to just not think. But that doesn't really work, because when I do, I just fall asleep, and then I wake up and I'm me again.
Things are really good now! I have a good job, good car, friends, family I'm on good terms with, a good degree in a good major from a good school. I'm not in great shape, but I'm ok. I live in a neighborhood I like, near things I enjoy. I have bills, but nothing I can't handle, especially with my new salary. I've got lots of opportinity for RPG games to be involved with, if I want them (don't laugh, it's a good thing), and regular social events I can attend without much pressur or effort. This is a time I know I'll look back on at some point in my life and think "hey, I had it pretty good back then".
Probably just the lack of sleep. Off to remedy that now. Pleasant dreams, all.