(no subject)
I don’t write here often. It is not because I fear boring anyone who reads these posts, though my life is kinda dull right now. It is more that I just don’t feel like sharing myself much anymore. I also don’t feel like recording my days much anymore. I don’t even write in my analog journal anymore. I just lost the drive and the desire to keep a record for posterity.
The idea of looking back at my days from the future has ceased to be appealing. I honestly don’t think it is the depression. I just don’t see the point. So, I forget when I met someone or when I did a certain thing for certain. So what? Does that lessen the parts of the memory I still have? I used to value the notion that I could read my past, look back and relive the events in a voyeuristic sort of way. That desire left me gradually.
Now, it’s just my generic present, and I see no reason to take time to record it so I can examine it later. And again, maybe this is depression and I just can’t recognize it, but did I ever actually enjoy writing my life down?
I miss the communication aspect of LJ, the back and forth dialogues, but I can’t say if I ever enjoyed just random diary entries. I used to enjoy writing for an audience, but we all know the audience has essentially left the building. Whatever small number of us remains, do any of us still have much resonance with these hallowed “halls”? are we still particularly sad or disappointed when we log in and see that no one has updated recently?
Or do you all still have people who update regularly? I don’t. I am down to following 17 people because most of my followers stopped updating years ago. There are four of you who updated this year, and only one within the past 31 days. And that’s fine, life moves on, our attentions shift. I am just saying that without an audience, I have no reason to write things down publicly, and if I am not even recording for my own personal benefit in my private diary, why spend time recording anything here at all?
And so I don’t. I think about it some days, get an idea, and try to breath life into the ember, but I don’t care enough to keep at it. Now, that part there is definitely the depression, but overall, this seems like just my attention moving along. It was fun here, then it wasn’t. there were people here interacting, then there wasn’t.
I went to a career fair type thing Monday. Ran into some girls from my first semester. They are all graduating soon, like within the next two semesters. I still have 3 more before I can apply to graduate. I felt sad hearing them talk about it. I am being left behind. I didn’t take lots of classes each term because I didn’t want to burn out. I wanted to actually enjoy college. But now I am going to be alone.
I will be in my final classes with people I don’t know. Maybe there will be a few who have been going as slowly as I have, but still, I will be an odd man out all over again. I am not looking forward to that.
But this is me, mike pankey. I am not looking forward to anything lately.
The idea of looking back at my days from the future has ceased to be appealing. I honestly don’t think it is the depression. I just don’t see the point. So, I forget when I met someone or when I did a certain thing for certain. So what? Does that lessen the parts of the memory I still have? I used to value the notion that I could read my past, look back and relive the events in a voyeuristic sort of way. That desire left me gradually.
Now, it’s just my generic present, and I see no reason to take time to record it so I can examine it later. And again, maybe this is depression and I just can’t recognize it, but did I ever actually enjoy writing my life down?
I miss the communication aspect of LJ, the back and forth dialogues, but I can’t say if I ever enjoyed just random diary entries. I used to enjoy writing for an audience, but we all know the audience has essentially left the building. Whatever small number of us remains, do any of us still have much resonance with these hallowed “halls”? are we still particularly sad or disappointed when we log in and see that no one has updated recently?
Or do you all still have people who update regularly? I don’t. I am down to following 17 people because most of my followers stopped updating years ago. There are four of you who updated this year, and only one within the past 31 days. And that’s fine, life moves on, our attentions shift. I am just saying that without an audience, I have no reason to write things down publicly, and if I am not even recording for my own personal benefit in my private diary, why spend time recording anything here at all?
And so I don’t. I think about it some days, get an idea, and try to breath life into the ember, but I don’t care enough to keep at it. Now, that part there is definitely the depression, but overall, this seems like just my attention moving along. It was fun here, then it wasn’t. there were people here interacting, then there wasn’t.
I went to a career fair type thing Monday. Ran into some girls from my first semester. They are all graduating soon, like within the next two semesters. I still have 3 more before I can apply to graduate. I felt sad hearing them talk about it. I am being left behind. I didn’t take lots of classes each term because I didn’t want to burn out. I wanted to actually enjoy college. But now I am going to be alone.
I will be in my final classes with people I don’t know. Maybe there will be a few who have been going as slowly as I have, but still, I will be an odd man out all over again. I am not looking forward to that.
But this is me, mike pankey. I am not looking forward to anything lately.