Sugar and Salt
Just thought I should update: I'm a doctor. Hellz YeaH!
Orientation starts in about a week. In the meantime, I've been busy getting settled into my new studio apartment as well as attending numerous wedding events. I've been wanting to spend more time with friends and family too, but work comes first. This will probably continue to be a mantra as I start my residency. So much to study and learn. I want to be a great physician, and I need to build my confidence and challenge myself to succeed. As much as it hurts, I find that I must isolate myself from negative influences that make me loose sight of my goal. There are those people out there who bring me down. Those who make me feel like dirt. Those who drain confidence from me instead of instilling positivity. I know that I cannot avoid such people all the time, but until I am able to generate enough self-confidence from within establish a healthy reserve to carry me into residency, I may need to detach myself from sources of negativity.
Life should not be this complicated. I should be able to withstand critical attacks against my character and my desire to be someone who makes me happy, even if this makes others distraught and hateful towards me. But unfortunately, I was grown with weak defenses and even weaker offenses in a quasi-loving and quasi-hostile environment. I got hurt easily. I accepted praise too readily. And whenever I did muster the courage to fight another to defend myself and my values, I would immediate feel guilty and afraid that my opponent would not love me anymore just because I fought back. This consistently unfulfilled yearning for love and acceptance left me in a pit of depression, subservience, and anger. I relied so frequently on others to raise me up such that I was unable to make decisions for myself. What makes me happy? I relied on others to answer this question. I was only happy if they loved me and accepted me for what I did for them. I was only happy if I followed what they told me would make me happy. Even if I did not genuinely feel happy, I would force the mantra, "if they are happy, then I am happy" because I did not matter. I was a slave to the desires of others. I was raped for the satisfaction of others. I was the puppet for others to control with strings that commanded me with the vibrations of criticism and praise. So what if I had desires of my own? Following them would be selfish. Being selfish would be unbecoming of oneself.
I find now that I will never be happy if I continue to live myself only to make others happy. I will also not be content with merely doing whatever the hell I want without acknowledging responsibility for my actions and understanding the consequences of my words. I now seek to find happiness by partaking in something worthwhile that benefits others while kindling the spiritual drive within me. I want to work hard and be brilliant serving the poor, the sick, the injured, and those who aspire to do the same. I want to do this because it truly makes me happy that i can make a positive difference in other people's lives. I do not want to tie my happiness with the perceptions of others who claim that they love me. I know just who I am. Everything else is just salt or sugar sprinkled on top by someone else who has different tastes.
Orientation starts in about a week. In the meantime, I've been busy getting settled into my new studio apartment as well as attending numerous wedding events. I've been wanting to spend more time with friends and family too, but work comes first. This will probably continue to be a mantra as I start my residency. So much to study and learn. I want to be a great physician, and I need to build my confidence and challenge myself to succeed. As much as it hurts, I find that I must isolate myself from negative influences that make me loose sight of my goal. There are those people out there who bring me down. Those who make me feel like dirt. Those who drain confidence from me instead of instilling positivity. I know that I cannot avoid such people all the time, but until I am able to generate enough self-confidence from within establish a healthy reserve to carry me into residency, I may need to detach myself from sources of negativity.
Life should not be this complicated. I should be able to withstand critical attacks against my character and my desire to be someone who makes me happy, even if this makes others distraught and hateful towards me. But unfortunately, I was grown with weak defenses and even weaker offenses in a quasi-loving and quasi-hostile environment. I got hurt easily. I accepted praise too readily. And whenever I did muster the courage to fight another to defend myself and my values, I would immediate feel guilty and afraid that my opponent would not love me anymore just because I fought back. This consistently unfulfilled yearning for love and acceptance left me in a pit of depression, subservience, and anger. I relied so frequently on others to raise me up such that I was unable to make decisions for myself. What makes me happy? I relied on others to answer this question. I was only happy if they loved me and accepted me for what I did for them. I was only happy if I followed what they told me would make me happy. Even if I did not genuinely feel happy, I would force the mantra, "if they are happy, then I am happy" because I did not matter. I was a slave to the desires of others. I was raped for the satisfaction of others. I was the puppet for others to control with strings that commanded me with the vibrations of criticism and praise. So what if I had desires of my own? Following them would be selfish. Being selfish would be unbecoming of oneself.
I find now that I will never be happy if I continue to live myself only to make others happy. I will also not be content with merely doing whatever the hell I want without acknowledging responsibility for my actions and understanding the consequences of my words. I now seek to find happiness by partaking in something worthwhile that benefits others while kindling the spiritual drive within me. I want to work hard and be brilliant serving the poor, the sick, the injured, and those who aspire to do the same. I want to do this because it truly makes me happy that i can make a positive difference in other people's lives. I do not want to tie my happiness with the perceptions of others who claim that they love me. I know just who I am. Everything else is just salt or sugar sprinkled on top by someone else who has different tastes.