attitude
it's strange how i've yet to be irritated by an aussie but can't spend more than a day in a big group of americans without losing it somehow.
maybe it's easier for me to give grace to people who are different from me, or maybe i just always get irritable around big groups. but last night, whether it played out in a big way or not, i totally let my attitude run all over me and forgot everything i know about community. i made a pointed comment to an entire room of people and they all felt it and i knew it. i left as soon as i had finished my task of being there (watching a movie) and only said goodbye to about three people.
i walked a stretch of road in the dark and rain by myself, one i usually take by bus, trying to figure out what's wrong with them, why it affected me so, and what's wrong with me. it dawned on me--slowly (somewhat undramatic and anticlimactically) that my emotions are not their responsibility. in fact, my emotions are in my control and mine alone, and that submission to a higher authority than them is my first priority, not the converse. the opposite of what i'd done was the the right, the loving, the graceful thing to do. i showed everyone how spiteful i was and then i left. i didn't stay to apologize or be apologized to, i didn't even try to stick around and pick myself/been picked up (i'm still figuring out how God works all that, actually). i blamed my emo self and moodiness and gave up on these people, on grace, on myself, on God.
then i swore at a couple of buses as the passed by. that helped a little.
i'd never pick myself for harboring a mean streak. my mental image of myself is so smiley and easygoing that i don't know what to do with myself with the spars come out. i'm human, aren't i? am i allowed to get like that and be negative? or would i know how to control myself, know when to let go of my 'tude if i were more in touch with God, if i knew how to let Him be Lord? would i learn more grace if i could do that?
i'm going to bathe, think, and write.
maybe it's easier for me to give grace to people who are different from me, or maybe i just always get irritable around big groups. but last night, whether it played out in a big way or not, i totally let my attitude run all over me and forgot everything i know about community. i made a pointed comment to an entire room of people and they all felt it and i knew it. i left as soon as i had finished my task of being there (watching a movie) and only said goodbye to about three people.
i walked a stretch of road in the dark and rain by myself, one i usually take by bus, trying to figure out what's wrong with them, why it affected me so, and what's wrong with me. it dawned on me--slowly (somewhat undramatic and anticlimactically) that my emotions are not their responsibility. in fact, my emotions are in my control and mine alone, and that submission to a higher authority than them is my first priority, not the converse. the opposite of what i'd done was the the right, the loving, the graceful thing to do. i showed everyone how spiteful i was and then i left. i didn't stay to apologize or be apologized to, i didn't even try to stick around and pick myself/been picked up (i'm still figuring out how God works all that, actually). i blamed my emo self and moodiness and gave up on these people, on grace, on myself, on God.
then i swore at a couple of buses as the passed by. that helped a little.
i'd never pick myself for harboring a mean streak. my mental image of myself is so smiley and easygoing that i don't know what to do with myself with the spars come out. i'm human, aren't i? am i allowed to get like that and be negative? or would i know how to control myself, know when to let go of my 'tude if i were more in touch with God, if i knew how to let Him be Lord? would i learn more grace if i could do that?
i'm going to bathe, think, and write.