Deleted scenes from the ROTK parody
Postscript...
This is kind of interesting. I opened up the document in which I'd written the 'Return of the King' parody, and found a "Stuff taken out" section at the bottom. I now recall that I wrote these scenes *before* having seen the movie, going on rumors and hopes and book-knowledge. Some of them apply to the extended edition now, anyway. If you're curious, here they are...
* * *
Special announcement! Anytime you hear this sound:
Ding ding ding!
...it means that someone who was thought to be dead has turned out to be alive again. We saw this happen in 'The Fellowship of the Ring' when Frodo was stabbed by the cave troll but saved by his mithril vest. We saw it in 'The Two Towers' when Gandalf returned triumphant from his tussle with the Balrog, and when Aragorn survived his fall from a cliff. And, folks, we're going to be seeing a LOT more of it in this movie! We'll be counting 'em up, so when you hear that sound, remember that plot device: it's a good one!
(FRODO DISMISSING SAM)
PETER JACKSON: Er, Sean? You're going to start crying now, and pretty much keep it up for the rest of the movie. All right?
SEAN ASTIN: Okay. No problem.
(SHELOB'S CAVE)
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Theh-hey...*sob*...ki-hilled...*sob*...Frodo!
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK attempt to commit suicide with their car keys. They are stopped by PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Not just yet. Save it for the ending.
(BLACK GATE)
MOUTH OF SAURON: We're not afraid of you.
GANDALF: You should be. We have some dangerous tricks up our sleeve.
MOUTH OF SAURON: Oh? Like sending in the spy who was wearing this stuff?
MOUTH OF SAURON tosses over FRODO's clothes.
ARAGORN: Oh, crap.
GANDALF: Uh...no! Other tricks! Could you excuse us?
MOUTH OF SAURON: (grinning) Oh, don't go! This is fun! Tell me again how I should be scared.
ARAGORN: We'll, er, get back to you.
MOUTH OF SAURON: Aw, come on! Stay! Tell me more! I love it when I can crack Sauron up with the daily news report.
PIPPIN: (sobbing) You're...you're...you're MEAN!
MOUTH OF SAURON: Oh-ho! Bwahaha! Yes, perfect! Hey, come back! Do another one!
(PELENNOR FIELDS)
EOMER gallops up.
EOMER: Oh, damn, my uncle's dead. That's too bad; he was really a swell guy and I always WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLOODY GODDESS IS MY SISTER'S BODY DOING HERE?
MERRY: A...flying thing...and I...we...
EOMER: Dang it, Merry, you're bleeding on me. Go somewhere else.
PIPPIN: Aragorn! Merry's dead!
ARAGORN: Let me see. No he's not.
PIPPIN: He's not?
ARAGORN: Nah. Just a glorified paper cut, really. In fact, Eowyn's not dead either.
EOMER: Thank the heavens! Bless you, my brother!
GIMLI: What about Theoden?
ARAGORN: I'm afraid he really is dead. Jeez, am I the only one around here with any medical training?
LEGOLAS: I find it much more stylish just to not get hurt at all. (ducks to avoid a flying head) Hey! That one nearly touched my braids! Now I'm REALLY steamed.
LEGOLAS stomps off to slay some Dark Forces.
(MINAS TIRITH)
FARAMIR: Hi, pretty lady. How YOU doin'?
EOWYN: Dismayed. My crush is marrying some Elven chick.
FARAMIR: Oh. Well, I'm no king, but I get to be High Princeling of Ithilien now that my dad's dead.
EOWYN: Really? Hmm...you know, you're actually kind of cute. Want to kiss me? Get married, maybe?
FARAMIR: Sure! Wow, that was easy. I thought I'd at least have to buy you a drink or something.
EOWYN: Hey, I feared I would die a virgin out there. I didn't die, but the other part still needs to be remedied. (wink)
FARAMIR: This was SO worth putting up with my dad all those years.
FARAMIR sweeps her into a kiss which turns out to be much cuter than any kiss ARAGORN and ARWEN have ever managed (but not, perhaps, as cute as FRODO and SAM have managed).
(FRODO'S HOSPITAL BED IN MINAS TIRITH)
Ding ding ding!
AUDIENCE: Hey, wait a second. We already knew Gandalf was alive.
MOLLY: Yeah, but Sam and Frodo didn't.
AUDIENCE: Oh, fine. Have your stupid sound effect.
* * *
Now I will herewith stop spamming you.
This is kind of interesting. I opened up the document in which I'd written the 'Return of the King' parody, and found a "Stuff taken out" section at the bottom. I now recall that I wrote these scenes *before* having seen the movie, going on rumors and hopes and book-knowledge. Some of them apply to the extended edition now, anyway. If you're curious, here they are...
* * *
Special announcement! Anytime you hear this sound:
Ding ding ding!
...it means that someone who was thought to be dead has turned out to be alive again. We saw this happen in 'The Fellowship of the Ring' when Frodo was stabbed by the cave troll but saved by his mithril vest. We saw it in 'The Two Towers' when Gandalf returned triumphant from his tussle with the Balrog, and when Aragorn survived his fall from a cliff. And, folks, we're going to be seeing a LOT more of it in this movie! We'll be counting 'em up, so when you hear that sound, remember that plot device: it's a good one!
(FRODO DISMISSING SAM)
PETER JACKSON: Er, Sean? You're going to start crying now, and pretty much keep it up for the rest of the movie. All right?
SEAN ASTIN: Okay. No problem.
(SHELOB'S CAVE)
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Theh-hey...*sob*...ki-hilled...*sob*...Frodo!
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK attempt to commit suicide with their car keys. They are stopped by PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Not just yet. Save it for the ending.
(BLACK GATE)
MOUTH OF SAURON: We're not afraid of you.
GANDALF: You should be. We have some dangerous tricks up our sleeve.
MOUTH OF SAURON: Oh? Like sending in the spy who was wearing this stuff?
MOUTH OF SAURON tosses over FRODO's clothes.
ARAGORN: Oh, crap.
GANDALF: Uh...no! Other tricks! Could you excuse us?
MOUTH OF SAURON: (grinning) Oh, don't go! This is fun! Tell me again how I should be scared.
ARAGORN: We'll, er, get back to you.
MOUTH OF SAURON: Aw, come on! Stay! Tell me more! I love it when I can crack Sauron up with the daily news report.
PIPPIN: (sobbing) You're...you're...you're MEAN!
MOUTH OF SAURON: Oh-ho! Bwahaha! Yes, perfect! Hey, come back! Do another one!
(PELENNOR FIELDS)
EOMER gallops up.
EOMER: Oh, damn, my uncle's dead. That's too bad; he was really a swell guy and I always WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLOODY GODDESS IS MY SISTER'S BODY DOING HERE?
MERRY: A...flying thing...and I...we...
EOMER: Dang it, Merry, you're bleeding on me. Go somewhere else.
PIPPIN: Aragorn! Merry's dead!
ARAGORN: Let me see. No he's not.
PIPPIN: He's not?
ARAGORN: Nah. Just a glorified paper cut, really. In fact, Eowyn's not dead either.
EOMER: Thank the heavens! Bless you, my brother!
GIMLI: What about Theoden?
ARAGORN: I'm afraid he really is dead. Jeez, am I the only one around here with any medical training?
LEGOLAS: I find it much more stylish just to not get hurt at all. (ducks to avoid a flying head) Hey! That one nearly touched my braids! Now I'm REALLY steamed.
LEGOLAS stomps off to slay some Dark Forces.
(MINAS TIRITH)
FARAMIR: Hi, pretty lady. How YOU doin'?
EOWYN: Dismayed. My crush is marrying some Elven chick.
FARAMIR: Oh. Well, I'm no king, but I get to be High Princeling of Ithilien now that my dad's dead.
EOWYN: Really? Hmm...you know, you're actually kind of cute. Want to kiss me? Get married, maybe?
FARAMIR: Sure! Wow, that was easy. I thought I'd at least have to buy you a drink or something.
EOWYN: Hey, I feared I would die a virgin out there. I didn't die, but the other part still needs to be remedied. (wink)
FARAMIR: This was SO worth putting up with my dad all those years.
FARAMIR sweeps her into a kiss which turns out to be much cuter than any kiss ARAGORN and ARWEN have ever managed (but not, perhaps, as cute as FRODO and SAM have managed).
(FRODO'S HOSPITAL BED IN MINAS TIRITH)
Ding ding ding!
AUDIENCE: Hey, wait a second. We already knew Gandalf was alive.
MOLLY: Yeah, but Sam and Frodo didn't.
AUDIENCE: Oh, fine. Have your stupid sound effect.
* * *
Now I will herewith stop spamming you.