Condensed LOTR fanfiction
Don't have time to read fanfiction? That's okay! I've come up with a handy condensed version of all LOTR fanfic, sorted by type, genre, and pairing. Ready? Let's go!
[Disclaimer: I poke fun at all equally with this, including myself. I do not wish to discourage anyone from writing. Please don't get upset. Also, I know this has already been done, so I'm not even being particularly original.]
GEN
Traditional, Quest:
FRODO: I have angst about this quest, but I'll get by.
SAM: I have angst about what's happening to Mr. Frodo, but I'll get by.
ARAGORN: I have angst about becoming King, but I'll get by.
MERRY & PIPPIN: I have angst about fighting, but I'll get by.
LEGOLAS & GIMLI: I have angst about my people not showing up to help fight, but I'll get by. (Hey look, trees and caves!)
BOROMIR, FARAMIR, & DENETHOR: I have angst about my family, but I'll get by. (Or not.)
GANDALF: I speak in riddles.
ROHIRRIM: Horses! Yay!
SARUMAN, SAURON, WORMTONGUE, ORCS, et al: Evil doesn't pay, kids.
Traditional, PreQuest:
AUTHOR: I wonder what happened for those decades before Frodo figured out about the Ring, when Aragorn was just wandering around as a Ranger, and Boromir and Faramir were growing up in Minas Tirith, and Gandalf was roaming about the countryside? Let's find out!
Alternate Universe:
FRODO: Whew! I destroyed the Ring.
RING: No you didn't. Mwuhahahaha!
ALL GOOD PEOPLE OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Nooooo!
Crossover, AU:
FRODO: Whew! I destroyed the Ring.
RING: No you didn't. Mwuhahahaha!
ALL GOOD PEOPLE OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Nooooo! Wait, what's that in the sky?
HAN SOLO flies in on the Millennium Falcon, laser-melts the RING, and saves everyone.
HET
Arwen/Aragorn:
ARAGORN: You may have been alive eight thousand years, but I bet you've never done anything as hot as THIS.
ARWEN: Um...yeah...of course. Sure, honey.
Faramir/Eowyn:
FARAMIR: Show me what you learned on that saddle, sweet thing.
EOWYN: Prepare to be ridden, you stallion.
Aragorn/Eowyn:
ARAGORN: I'm engaged. This is so wrong, but I just can't resist.
EOWYN: Shut up and say that in Elvish, bitch.
Sam/Rosie:
SAM: You were all I thought about, night and day, in Mordor, in the Shire, in Ithilien, in Rivendell...
ROSIE: As evidenced by the fact that you've gotten me pregnant TWELVE TIMES.
Sam/Rosie/Frodo:
FRODO: Oops. Am I interrupting something?
ROSIE: Nonsense. Join us!
Gimli/Galadriel:
GIMLI: Are you going to mention the height difference, or should I?
Merry/Eowyn: [because I have to prove I can make fun of myself]
EOWYN: We're unwashed, lonely, miserable, and probably about to die. Want to have sex?
MERRY: Well, of course.
Mary Sue:
LEGOLAS: Ohhh Mary, not in all my centuries of wandering have I experienced anything as marvelous as your sweet loving. Wait! I'm inspired to sing a love ballad in honor of the occasion...
Crossover:
DANA SCULLY: Excuse me, sir. FBI. Do you have a license to carry that sword?
BOROMIR: Nay, and have you a license, fair maiden, to be so beautiful?
SLASH
Frodo/Sam, PreQuest, Pre-Bilbo's-leaving:
FRODO: I'm a wicked, bored, underage hobbit and I want you.
SAM: But sir, what if Mr. Bilbo catches us?
FRODO: Don't care, keep doing that, keep going, yes, yes, ACK!! Hi, Bilbo! Uh, it's not what it looks like.
Frodo/Sam, PreQuest, Post-Bilbo's-leaving:
SAM: Oh sir, you must be so lonely living here all by yourself.
FRODO: I am. Hold me. Mmm...tighter.
Frodo/Sam, Quest:
FRODO: If only there were some way to take my mind off the pain and horror of it all.
SAM: Well, I do have one idea.
Merry/Pippin:
PIPPIN: I'm so young and curious, and nobody will tell me about adult things!
MERRY: I can help with that.
Hobbit 4-way:
PIPPIN, SAM, FRODO: God, I'm bored.
MERRY: I've just thought up a prank, mistake, and/or game that'll get us all naked in fifteen minutes.
PIPPIN, SAM, FRODO: Lead the way!
Aragorn/Legolas:
LEGOLAS runs his finger along ARAGORN's neck.
LEGOLAS: So, you're into Elves, huh?
Legolas/Gimli:
LEGOLAS: Want to go traveling with me when this quest's over?
GIMLI: And by 'traveling' you mean 'sex'?
Aragorn/Boromir:
ARAGORN: Technically, I'm the ruler of your city.
BOROMIR: Oh yeah? You'll have to 'dominate' me first to prove it.
Faramir/Frodo:
FARAMIR: You're my prisoner. Prepare to be questioned.
FRODO: Give me a backrub during it?
FARAMIR: Okay.
Legolas/Haldir:
HALDIR: As you know, we Elves have strange orgiastic sex rites we often perform just for fun.
LEGOLAS: Absolutely.
HALDIR: Pull up a few voyeurs and let's get started.
LEGOLAS: God, I love visiting Lothlorien.
Arwen/Eowyn:
ARWEN: Who are you, again?
EOWYN: Doesn't matter. We're both females. Teach me something, you naughty immortal woman you.
Aragorn/Frodo:
ARAGORN: It's not the Ring I want, baby. It's you.
FRODO squees like a fangirl and faints like a lily in ARAGORN's arms.
Legolas/Frodo:
FRODO: You hardly ever spoke to me, and now you're crawling into my sleeping bag?
LEGOLAS: Shush. I'm cute, you're cute, what could go wrong?
Crossover:
HARRY POTTER: Excuse me, sir, do you happen to know the way to Diagon Alley?
FRODO: No...but you're strangely attractive. Want to compare scars?
[Disclaimer: I poke fun at all equally with this, including myself. I do not wish to discourage anyone from writing. Please don't get upset. Also, I know this has already been done, so I'm not even being particularly original.]
GEN
Traditional, Quest:
FRODO: I have angst about this quest, but I'll get by.
SAM: I have angst about what's happening to Mr. Frodo, but I'll get by.
ARAGORN: I have angst about becoming King, but I'll get by.
MERRY & PIPPIN: I have angst about fighting, but I'll get by.
LEGOLAS & GIMLI: I have angst about my people not showing up to help fight, but I'll get by. (Hey look, trees and caves!)
BOROMIR, FARAMIR, & DENETHOR: I have angst about my family, but I'll get by. (Or not.)
GANDALF: I speak in riddles.
ROHIRRIM: Horses! Yay!
SARUMAN, SAURON, WORMTONGUE, ORCS, et al: Evil doesn't pay, kids.
Traditional, PreQuest:
AUTHOR: I wonder what happened for those decades before Frodo figured out about the Ring, when Aragorn was just wandering around as a Ranger, and Boromir and Faramir were growing up in Minas Tirith, and Gandalf was roaming about the countryside? Let's find out!
Alternate Universe:
FRODO: Whew! I destroyed the Ring.
RING: No you didn't. Mwuhahahaha!
ALL GOOD PEOPLE OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Nooooo!
Crossover, AU:
FRODO: Whew! I destroyed the Ring.
RING: No you didn't. Mwuhahahaha!
ALL GOOD PEOPLE OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Nooooo! Wait, what's that in the sky?
HAN SOLO flies in on the Millennium Falcon, laser-melts the RING, and saves everyone.
HET
Arwen/Aragorn:
ARAGORN: You may have been alive eight thousand years, but I bet you've never done anything as hot as THIS.
ARWEN: Um...yeah...of course. Sure, honey.
Faramir/Eowyn:
FARAMIR: Show me what you learned on that saddle, sweet thing.
EOWYN: Prepare to be ridden, you stallion.
Aragorn/Eowyn:
ARAGORN: I'm engaged. This is so wrong, but I just can't resist.
EOWYN: Shut up and say that in Elvish, bitch.
Sam/Rosie:
SAM: You were all I thought about, night and day, in Mordor, in the Shire, in Ithilien, in Rivendell...
ROSIE: As evidenced by the fact that you've gotten me pregnant TWELVE TIMES.
Sam/Rosie/Frodo:
FRODO: Oops. Am I interrupting something?
ROSIE: Nonsense. Join us!
Gimli/Galadriel:
GIMLI: Are you going to mention the height difference, or should I?
Merry/Eowyn: [because I have to prove I can make fun of myself]
EOWYN: We're unwashed, lonely, miserable, and probably about to die. Want to have sex?
MERRY: Well, of course.
Mary Sue:
LEGOLAS: Ohhh Mary, not in all my centuries of wandering have I experienced anything as marvelous as your sweet loving. Wait! I'm inspired to sing a love ballad in honor of the occasion...
Crossover:
DANA SCULLY: Excuse me, sir. FBI. Do you have a license to carry that sword?
BOROMIR: Nay, and have you a license, fair maiden, to be so beautiful?
SLASH
Frodo/Sam, PreQuest, Pre-Bilbo's-leaving:
FRODO: I'm a wicked, bored, underage hobbit and I want you.
SAM: But sir, what if Mr. Bilbo catches us?
FRODO: Don't care, keep doing that, keep going, yes, yes, ACK!! Hi, Bilbo! Uh, it's not what it looks like.
Frodo/Sam, PreQuest, Post-Bilbo's-leaving:
SAM: Oh sir, you must be so lonely living here all by yourself.
FRODO: I am. Hold me. Mmm...tighter.
Frodo/Sam, Quest:
FRODO: If only there were some way to take my mind off the pain and horror of it all.
SAM: Well, I do have one idea.
Merry/Pippin:
PIPPIN: I'm so young and curious, and nobody will tell me about adult things!
MERRY: I can help with that.
Hobbit 4-way:
PIPPIN, SAM, FRODO: God, I'm bored.
MERRY: I've just thought up a prank, mistake, and/or game that'll get us all naked in fifteen minutes.
PIPPIN, SAM, FRODO: Lead the way!
Aragorn/Legolas:
LEGOLAS runs his finger along ARAGORN's neck.
LEGOLAS: So, you're into Elves, huh?
Legolas/Gimli:
LEGOLAS: Want to go traveling with me when this quest's over?
GIMLI: And by 'traveling' you mean 'sex'?
Aragorn/Boromir:
ARAGORN: Technically, I'm the ruler of your city.
BOROMIR: Oh yeah? You'll have to 'dominate' me first to prove it.
Faramir/Frodo:
FARAMIR: You're my prisoner. Prepare to be questioned.
FRODO: Give me a backrub during it?
FARAMIR: Okay.
Legolas/Haldir:
HALDIR: As you know, we Elves have strange orgiastic sex rites we often perform just for fun.
LEGOLAS: Absolutely.
HALDIR: Pull up a few voyeurs and let's get started.
LEGOLAS: God, I love visiting Lothlorien.
Arwen/Eowyn:
ARWEN: Who are you, again?
EOWYN: Doesn't matter. We're both females. Teach me something, you naughty immortal woman you.
Aragorn/Frodo:
ARAGORN: It's not the Ring I want, baby. It's you.
FRODO squees like a fangirl and faints like a lily in ARAGORN's arms.
Legolas/Frodo:
FRODO: You hardly ever spoke to me, and now you're crawling into my sleeping bag?
LEGOLAS: Shush. I'm cute, you're cute, what could go wrong?
Crossover:
HARRY POTTER: Excuse me, sir, do you happen to know the way to Diagon Alley?
FRODO: No...but you're strangely attractive. Want to compare scars?