Fanfic drinking game
karadin recently asked folks on her LJ: which hobbitslash cliches bug you most? It's an amusing thread, but, I think, too limited for this particular readership. So I've taken the idea further, all the way into a...
'Lord of the Rings' fanfiction drinking game
...and I welcome additions to this list, which is, after all, merely a work in progress.
Rules:
Pour yourself a glass of your favorite beverage and settle down to read some LOTR fanfiction. Pick proper category below, and follow instructions therein.
Genre: General
Take one sip whenever:
The author makes up an Elvish proverb ("It is said among my people, Calathien thorwinia mellanton: Do not trust a squirrel who buries no acorns.")
The author uses a Tolkienian word or phrase in the narrative, like "fair teeming" or "fey"
The author overwrites Sam's dialect ("Beggin' your pardon and no mistake, Mr. Frodo, but seein' the Elves an' all, why, if that weren't the finest thing to happen to a ninnyhammer like meself, then I'm me ol' Gaffer!")
Any character swears in a non-Middle-Earth way ("Fucking hell, Boromir; just shut up, okay?")
Apparently unintentional anachronism occurs ("A sound like gunfire echoed in the distance.")
The author consistently misspells a character name (Faramere?) or place name (Rivendale??)
Frodo uses the Ring for mild amounts of evil
Gollum uses the Ring for mild amounts of evil
Boromir doesn't die where he's supposed to
Frodo shows a grave lack of cooking skills. Take another sip if meal is rescued/remedied by Sam. (NOTE: see Slash genre, below)
Anyone or anything is said to smell like lavender (NOTE: again, see Slash genre, below)
A hobbit eats pie. Another sip if it leaves him with berry smudges on his face or clothes. (NOTE: once again, see Slash genre.)
Take two sips whenever:
Anyone has a long sit-down conversation with Sauron
A character dies who doesn't die in the book or film
Someone captures the Ring from Frodo and goes on a mad power spree
The author relentlessly destroys a city/village that doesn't get destroyed in the book or film ("They stood on the hill and watched Lothlorien burn...")
The Fellowship gains members it didn't have in the book/film (NOTE: see Mary Sue genre, below, if character is girl from 21st-century Earth)
Middle-Earth ends up under Sauron's control (a.k.a. the ultimate "No happy ending")
Genre: Mary Sue
Take one sip whenever:
Legolas falls in love with Mary Sue
Aragorn falls in love with Mary Sue
Faramir falls in love with Mary Sue
Frodo falls in love with Mary Sue
Boromir falls in love with Mary Sue
Haldir falls in love with Mary Sue
Eomer falls in love with Mary Sue
Mary Sue has sex with any of the above
Mary Sue turns down somebody for one of the above
Mary Sue bears the child of any of the above
Mary Sue takes over the role of any canon female
Mary Sue heals a serious wound on any canon character
Mary Sue turns out to have magical powers
Mary Sue beats one of the canon characters at swordfighting, knife-fighting, horseback-riding, or archery
Mary Sue gets injured
Mary Sue gets kidnapped
Mary Sue gets rescued
Mary Sue moans about not having her cell phone, laptop, and/or lip balm anymore
Legolas makes her some special Elven lip balm out of loving sympathy
Mary Sue's cooking skills are lauded by canon characters
Mary Sue kills one of the canon bad guys
Take two sips whenever:
Gandalf falls in love with Mary Sue
Merry, Sam, or Pippin fall in love with Mary Sue
Denethor falls in love with Mary Sue
Theoden falls in love with Mary Sue
Gimli falls in love with Mary Sue
Elrond falls in love with Mary Sue
Mary Sue has sex with any of the above
Mary Sue turns down somebody for one of the above
Mary Sue bears the child of any of the above
Mary Sue injures one of the canon good guys
Take three sips whenever:
Gollum falls in love with Mary Sue
Eowyn, Arwen, Galadriel, or Rosie Cotton fall in love with Mary Sue
Grima falls in love with Mary Sue
An Orc, Uruk, Balrog, goblin, troll, or other icky baddie falls in love with Mary Sue
Mary Sue has sex with any of the above
Mary Sue turns down somebody for one of the above
Mary Sue bears the child of any of the above
Mary Sue kills one of the canon good guys
The Fellowship kicks out Mary Sue and sends her back to Earth in disgrace
Genre: Slash
Take one sip whenever:
Sam takes off his shirt or other garments while gardening
Frodo gets turned on from watching Sam in the garden
Bathing is used as method to get a character naked. Take an extra sip if the one being bathed is unconscious, and the one doing the bathing feels bad for getting turned on.
An Elf encourages another character to loosen up and have sex with the person they're agonizing over. Take another sip if the Elf provides scented oil to help them out. Take a third sip if the oil is lavender-scented.
One member of the Fellowship gets another member of the Fellowship alone for a quickie on the Quest
Someone uses tongue on the first kiss. Take another sip if beards are involved.
Someone seducing Frodo encounters the mithril shirt and gets frustrated
Someone seducing Frodo encounters the Ring and gets freaked out
Someone seducing Frodo touches the Ring, and causes Frodo to freak out. Take another sip if this actually stops the sexual encounter for good.
Food is employed as a stepping-stone to sex. Take another sip if it's employed as a prop.
Anyone starts crying because of their same-sex urges. Take another sip if it's not a hobbit.
The seduction happens under the guise of lessons on something else ("Let me show you how to grasp that dagger, Pippin...")
Anyone uses the words "Horn of Gondor," "White Tower," or "Sting" as an innuendo
Legolas moans in Elvish. Take another sip if his seducer is not an Elf but answers in Elvish anyway.
Anyone in an interspecies pairing agonizes about size differences
Any two characters cuddle together in front of a fire. Take another if neither is a hobbit.
Frodo sits in his office unable to concentrate on writing/studying/translating because he's wistfully thinking of Sam
Anyone cries out "Oh, Eru!" in a moment of passion
Pippin is made to sound like a young child. Take another sip if he is in fact under 18 but is still getting sexed up by someone. Take yet another sip if it's not Merry.
The smell of someone's hair is poetically described (violets? cedar? spice?). Take another sip if the scent is something remarkably unusual ("buttery, and mouth-watering, quite like a shepherd's pie").
Take two sips whenever:
Two members of the Fellowship enjoy a quickie while the other members of the Fellowship are within sight and/or hearing. Take another sip if someone does in fact see or hear them.
An interspecies pairing calls for one participant to kneel or to stand on something in order to be at the proper level in regards to the body of the other participant (see for example Man/Hobbit, or Dwarf/Elf)
The pairing is femmeslash. Take another sip if it's interspecies (Eowyn/Rosie, anyone?).
The pairing is incestuous (siblings, parents, or grandparents only - if you count cousins, all the Merry/Pippin will make you plastered in no time)
Someone catches the pair and stops the encounter cold. Take another sip if it's someone who is likely to kill them (e.g., Black Rider, Orc).
Sex occurs on horseback. Take another sip if the horse is going at full gallop at the time.
One member of the Fellowship has sex with another just to spite a third member of the Fellowship
Frodo moans in Elvish. Take a third sip if Sam answers him in Elvish.
Any male gets pregnant. Take a third sip if it's not Legolas or a hobbit. Finish the glass if marriage to the other father is proposed as a way to tie up this contingency.
A third person gets involved in the sex. Add one sip for each additional person, up till the magic number of nine, in which case just finish the glass already.
Two characters have sex at a time when they really should be thinking about something more pressing (e.g., as Mount Doom is erupting around them; or catapulted heads are landing near them in Minas Tirith; or a Balrog is bearing down upon them)
The author makes the claim that the races of Middle-Earth taste different from each other ("Never had I known it before! - Hobbits are minty!")
P.S. For everyone in my real life who has emailed me lately: I was away all weekend, so I'll get back to you one of these days, I promise.
'Lord of the Rings' fanfiction drinking game
...and I welcome additions to this list, which is, after all, merely a work in progress.
Rules:
Pour yourself a glass of your favorite beverage and settle down to read some LOTR fanfiction. Pick proper category below, and follow instructions therein.
Genre: General
Take one sip whenever:
The author makes up an Elvish proverb ("It is said among my people, Calathien thorwinia mellanton: Do not trust a squirrel who buries no acorns.")
The author uses a Tolkienian word or phrase in the narrative, like "fair teeming" or "fey"
The author overwrites Sam's dialect ("Beggin' your pardon and no mistake, Mr. Frodo, but seein' the Elves an' all, why, if that weren't the finest thing to happen to a ninnyhammer like meself, then I'm me ol' Gaffer!")
Any character swears in a non-Middle-Earth way ("Fucking hell, Boromir; just shut up, okay?")
Apparently unintentional anachronism occurs ("A sound like gunfire echoed in the distance.")
The author consistently misspells a character name (Faramere?) or place name (Rivendale??)
Frodo uses the Ring for mild amounts of evil
Gollum uses the Ring for mild amounts of evil
Boromir doesn't die where he's supposed to
Frodo shows a grave lack of cooking skills. Take another sip if meal is rescued/remedied by Sam. (NOTE: see Slash genre, below)
Anyone or anything is said to smell like lavender (NOTE: again, see Slash genre, below)
A hobbit eats pie. Another sip if it leaves him with berry smudges on his face or clothes. (NOTE: once again, see Slash genre.)
Take two sips whenever:
Anyone has a long sit-down conversation with Sauron
A character dies who doesn't die in the book or film
Someone captures the Ring from Frodo and goes on a mad power spree
The author relentlessly destroys a city/village that doesn't get destroyed in the book or film ("They stood on the hill and watched Lothlorien burn...")
The Fellowship gains members it didn't have in the book/film (NOTE: see Mary Sue genre, below, if character is girl from 21st-century Earth)
Middle-Earth ends up under Sauron's control (a.k.a. the ultimate "No happy ending")
Genre: Mary Sue
Take one sip whenever:
Legolas falls in love with Mary Sue
Aragorn falls in love with Mary Sue
Faramir falls in love with Mary Sue
Frodo falls in love with Mary Sue
Boromir falls in love with Mary Sue
Haldir falls in love with Mary Sue
Eomer falls in love with Mary Sue
Mary Sue has sex with any of the above
Mary Sue turns down somebody for one of the above
Mary Sue bears the child of any of the above
Mary Sue takes over the role of any canon female
Mary Sue heals a serious wound on any canon character
Mary Sue turns out to have magical powers
Mary Sue beats one of the canon characters at swordfighting, knife-fighting, horseback-riding, or archery
Mary Sue gets injured
Mary Sue gets kidnapped
Mary Sue gets rescued
Mary Sue moans about not having her cell phone, laptop, and/or lip balm anymore
Legolas makes her some special Elven lip balm out of loving sympathy
Mary Sue's cooking skills are lauded by canon characters
Mary Sue kills one of the canon bad guys
Take two sips whenever:
Gandalf falls in love with Mary Sue
Merry, Sam, or Pippin fall in love with Mary Sue
Denethor falls in love with Mary Sue
Theoden falls in love with Mary Sue
Gimli falls in love with Mary Sue
Elrond falls in love with Mary Sue
Mary Sue has sex with any of the above
Mary Sue turns down somebody for one of the above
Mary Sue bears the child of any of the above
Mary Sue injures one of the canon good guys
Take three sips whenever:
Gollum falls in love with Mary Sue
Eowyn, Arwen, Galadriel, or Rosie Cotton fall in love with Mary Sue
Grima falls in love with Mary Sue
An Orc, Uruk, Balrog, goblin, troll, or other icky baddie falls in love with Mary Sue
Mary Sue has sex with any of the above
Mary Sue turns down somebody for one of the above
Mary Sue bears the child of any of the above
Mary Sue kills one of the canon good guys
The Fellowship kicks out Mary Sue and sends her back to Earth in disgrace
Genre: Slash
Take one sip whenever:
Sam takes off his shirt or other garments while gardening
Frodo gets turned on from watching Sam in the garden
Bathing is used as method to get a character naked. Take an extra sip if the one being bathed is unconscious, and the one doing the bathing feels bad for getting turned on.
An Elf encourages another character to loosen up and have sex with the person they're agonizing over. Take another sip if the Elf provides scented oil to help them out. Take a third sip if the oil is lavender-scented.
One member of the Fellowship gets another member of the Fellowship alone for a quickie on the Quest
Someone uses tongue on the first kiss. Take another sip if beards are involved.
Someone seducing Frodo encounters the mithril shirt and gets frustrated
Someone seducing Frodo encounters the Ring and gets freaked out
Someone seducing Frodo touches the Ring, and causes Frodo to freak out. Take another sip if this actually stops the sexual encounter for good.
Food is employed as a stepping-stone to sex. Take another sip if it's employed as a prop.
Anyone starts crying because of their same-sex urges. Take another sip if it's not a hobbit.
The seduction happens under the guise of lessons on something else ("Let me show you how to grasp that dagger, Pippin...")
Anyone uses the words "Horn of Gondor," "White Tower," or "Sting" as an innuendo
Legolas moans in Elvish. Take another sip if his seducer is not an Elf but answers in Elvish anyway.
Anyone in an interspecies pairing agonizes about size differences
Any two characters cuddle together in front of a fire. Take another if neither is a hobbit.
Frodo sits in his office unable to concentrate on writing/studying/translating because he's wistfully thinking of Sam
Anyone cries out "Oh, Eru!" in a moment of passion
Pippin is made to sound like a young child. Take another sip if he is in fact under 18 but is still getting sexed up by someone. Take yet another sip if it's not Merry.
The smell of someone's hair is poetically described (violets? cedar? spice?). Take another sip if the scent is something remarkably unusual ("buttery, and mouth-watering, quite like a shepherd's pie").
Take two sips whenever:
Two members of the Fellowship enjoy a quickie while the other members of the Fellowship are within sight and/or hearing. Take another sip if someone does in fact see or hear them.
An interspecies pairing calls for one participant to kneel or to stand on something in order to be at the proper level in regards to the body of the other participant (see for example Man/Hobbit, or Dwarf/Elf)
The pairing is femmeslash. Take another sip if it's interspecies (Eowyn/Rosie, anyone?).
The pairing is incestuous (siblings, parents, or grandparents only - if you count cousins, all the Merry/Pippin will make you plastered in no time)
Someone catches the pair and stops the encounter cold. Take another sip if it's someone who is likely to kill them (e.g., Black Rider, Orc).
Sex occurs on horseback. Take another sip if the horse is going at full gallop at the time.
One member of the Fellowship has sex with another just to spite a third member of the Fellowship
Frodo moans in Elvish. Take a third sip if Sam answers him in Elvish.
Any male gets pregnant. Take a third sip if it's not Legolas or a hobbit. Finish the glass if marriage to the other father is proposed as a way to tie up this contingency.
A third person gets involved in the sex. Add one sip for each additional person, up till the magic number of nine, in which case just finish the glass already.
Two characters have sex at a time when they really should be thinking about something more pressing (e.g., as Mount Doom is erupting around them; or catapulted heads are landing near them in Minas Tirith; or a Balrog is bearing down upon them)
The author makes the claim that the races of Middle-Earth taste different from each other ("Never had I known it before! - Hobbits are minty!")
P.S. For everyone in my real life who has emailed me lately: I was away all weekend, so I'll get back to you one of these days, I promise.