Not such a great start
Just as I had made up with my mother, spent the past few days being nice to her and being very careful with my actions, I have so quickly messed it all up again. Its becoming very hard for me to not feel like I am a very large failure in life. I've felt like this for the past few years now and I'm starting to realize my mother is a big part of the reason why I'm constantly afraid of failing. There is no one else in my life who can make me feel as bad as she does and hardly anyone who can make up for the damage she does. Really, its like a seed she plants in my mind that suggests that I am in some way not a good person. Take last night's events for example. She told me I was irresponsible. And after sitting here for hours with a stomach ache feeling as though I wanted to literally tear myself apart I realized her words had gone far beyond the sting they were originally intended to cause. They seeped into my imagination which created a much more harsh picture of my self image. I began to hate myself. I wished so hard to make such a feeling go away, but it doesn't. It never does. And even hours after the fact when I "feel better" its still there. I still hate the qualities about myself that aren't perfect. And it makes me doubt myself and makes me feel as though the "good" qualities others say they see in me are just lies... yes I've found the root of so many confidence issues I have. Not that I entirely blame my mother, its just that I actually, finally see where a lot of the problems I have with myself begin.
P.S. I heard my mom talking to my father this morning, scolding him for co-signing my college loans with me, telling him that I would never be able to pay them back and he was going to be the one stuck paying a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt. She also told him she wouldn't be helping me pay for my New York trip after all, partly because the money could be more wisely spent, and partly because she thinks I'm too irresponsible to be going out of state to school. Then she told him he shouldn't give me the money I need to pay for the rest of my tuition, which is less than a hundred dollars, and that he shouldn't give me money to go to New York. Wow. What an incredible support system, eh?
I wish I had eaten those black eyed peas on New Year's. Maybe 2007 would be going better for me...
P.S. I heard my mom talking to my father this morning, scolding him for co-signing my college loans with me, telling him that I would never be able to pay them back and he was going to be the one stuck paying a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt. She also told him she wouldn't be helping me pay for my New York trip after all, partly because the money could be more wisely spent, and partly because she thinks I'm too irresponsible to be going out of state to school. Then she told him he shouldn't give me the money I need to pay for the rest of my tuition, which is less than a hundred dollars, and that he shouldn't give me money to go to New York. Wow. What an incredible support system, eh?
I wish I had eaten those black eyed peas on New Year's. Maybe 2007 would be going better for me...