"Advisor" is the worse misnomer ever
So, I'm pretty sure that stress is totally a hormone because I can feel it in my blood.
I've been completely at a loss as to what I need/want/should do for my senior thesis project. I was told at the seminar I had to attend that if any of the above applies to you, you should "drop in" and see your advisor who'd be happy to help you.
I admit that it is entirely my fault that, after three years (well, two years on campus) I've yet to learn to speak their dialect of bull shit. You'd seriously think I'd know by now...
Ok. So the story.
I initially wanted to do some sort of doctor-shadowing thing for my project. The seminar, when giving broad ideas for projects, mentioned volunteer work as a feasible idea. Seeing as I really need to start doing that sort of stuff, I thought it'd be a great two-birds-one-stone thing. However, I didn't know how to work that into an actual project or who to even contact about it, seeing as it was mandatory that the "director" or your project is a faculty member. I then thought back to the comment that the guy at the seminar made about "not hesitating to visit your advisor".
I made an appointment via email and went in to see her. I told her what I wanted to do and that I had nothing specific in mind because I didn't know what I could do. When I mentioned that I don't have hospital experience, she asked me when I'm applying. It turns out that, according to her, it's too late for me to start. And that I'm at an enormous disadvantage, application-wise. She also asked me if I was okay taking a year off between graduating and applying because there was a huge chance that I'm not going to get in on my first try.
Trying to quell my panic, I tried a bit of logic. If the application is due in August and I start volunteering in May, won't I have that on the resume that they see? Also, assuming I get an interview, which will take place in winter, I will have had at least a couple of months of experience. But no. That won't work. I have absolutely no idea why and she didn't clarify.
When I changed the course of the conversation to the reason I was there, she told me that volunteer work won't count as a thesis project. She told me that I needed a "question that I spend a year searching for an answer to". I then recalled that someone's senior thesis that was mentioned (with high regards) at the seminar was making a bunch of duct-tape dresses for a play. Another's was preparing for a huge piano recital. I asked my advisor what the "question" was there. She replied that it was something along the lines of the process and having a final product.
So, basically, she did nothing to help me do what I wanted to do (and this senior thesis project is supposed to be reasonably open to what the student wants to do--that's their biggest advertising point). I could understand having an unfeasible idea, but I was kinda hoping that instead of telling me that I can't do what I would like, she would provide a bit of this rare myth that I think has been called "constructive criticism". Looking back on it, she gave me some ideas, but they were of absolutely no interest to me (the main one was ethnographic survey of family practicioners vs. surgeons or something like that--I want to do REAL science, not this sociological bull shit). I mean, I was sitting there, obviously knowing next to nothing about what this thing entails, no faculty here due to my stint in OR, or how I could tailor it to be something that I want to do and she provides absolutely no help. A as for icing on this cake? She writes down instructions as to how to contact professors and find out their research interests. Yeah, because I'm obviously too stupid to use a search engine.
In the span of 20 minutes, she managed to crush my aspirations and induce an unwieldy amount of stress (the deadline for finding my director is the Tuesday after spring break). At one point yesterday I ended up just shy of bawling from the stress.
Then I got a hold on myself and realized that this is why I don't interact with the people who are supposedly here to help students. I also resigned myself to the fact that I had to do this on my own. Just like I always do. I therefore went to visit my biochemistry II professor who sent me to another projessor I had never met before. I basically asked him if I could work in the lab with him. He agreed (albeit unenthusiastically, though I'm not sure if that's just his personality or if he was justifiably hesitant at agreeing to this major project with a person he has never met before) and...holy cow. He has no idea how much I appreciate it. I feel terrible being such an imposition on him. I know for a fact, though, that I will work extremely hard to...I guess reassure him that he didn't make a mistake.
He stated that it would be best if I stayed here over the summer. So I guess if I don't make the UT research fellowship, that's what I'll do if I'm able to get grant money to fund my living expenses.
I really, really want to go home this summer. I will be absolutely heart-broken if I don't get this fellowship.
However, I'm almost set with respect to senior thesis (now I have to think about drafting my proposal which will be due by the end of this semester). Tomorrow I'm going to call the hospital and see if I can set up volunteer hours.
I admit. I've put myself into this situation. I could have been a hell of a lot more proactive than I've been. I could make all the excuses I want, from the fact that I was in Oregon for a year or that I didn't even know how absolutely essential hospital volunteering/doctor-shadowing was when it came to looking good to a applicant committee. That doesn't change anything. All I can do is start now and pray that it isn't too late and that I can compensate by other means. And, if I have to, it won't kill me to not get accepted the first time around and reapply the next year.
I feel so...out of sorts.
But. It's snowing now. There is a small chance that classes tomorrow will be cancelled...
However, in english today, there was a majority vote that a character in a short story we read was "bad" because of his actions. When I first heard this opinion from the girl who brought this up I was very surprised. Though he might have made mistakes, how could anyone not empathize with him? How could these people sit in their desks and criticize his actions. I realize that this doesn't make much sense since I'm not providing the context, but it's just more evidence that I am so totally divergent in my opinions when compared to the rest of the class. But, this was a minor point. English, otherwise was actually okay today.
Ugh. Just writing this entry has re-induced massive amounts of stress.