Mid-med school crisis
So I think if I were anyone else (ie, someone with good introspection), I would be having a breakdown about now (then again, if I had good introspection, I wouldn't be in this mess).
1. The boy. He's actually a plus in my life right now. And he keeps initiating texts with me (and we've made weekend plans already) despite the fact that he's now seen me at my most spastic, exhausted worst. And I still don't have a handle on any of this. I genuinely like him for NO RATIONAL REASON. In the past, my crushes have always been tempered with a rational voice that keeps the rest of me in check, but my rational voice in this case has literally been like, "I don't see why not," and then packed its bags for an extended holiday (must be nice...). I think what it comes down to is literally, I just like him. It's not anymore complicated than that. But, because I'm me, I can't do uncomplicated. However, what I DO know is that I get so happy when I text him and I'm really, really looking forward to this weekend. (Also, he read the first Cabal novel and not only liked it, but MENTIONED BOBBINS! One of my favorite (and most underrated/insignificant) characters! Crazy!
2. My life plans. From day 1 of med school, I've known I've wanted to do EM. There wasn't a sliver of a thought or temptation to go for another specialty. But, what with the issues I've described in #1, I've....maybe settled down? Maybe realized that there's someone out there who I could potentially be happy with? Anyway, that combined with how absolutely exhausted I've been this rotation, I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need a high-stress job. Maybe I need a job with less flexible hours, but with an easier pace. Maybe I actually would learn to like routine. So...maybe I'm starting to consider internal medicine? I've been trying to look back at that rotation and determine why I didn't like it and they're for reasons I think not being a med student would eliminate (ie, having some degree of independence/responsibility). But I woke up yesterday thinking that maybe I should switch focuses and...the more I think about it, the more it's eating at me. And, as I'm typing this, I'm starting to think that maybe it is an ideal idea....
3. My pride. Dammit, I've told everyone in med school that I want to do EM and I feel like I'd look like a failure if I changed now. But pride kinda got me into med school without really researching it, so do I really wanna make the same mistake twice?
4. My whimsicality. I've been known to make decisions quickly without really considering them, so the best thing I could do for this quandary I'm in is to give it time and see if this is just a phase I'm going through. I'm pretty burnt out at this point. (But the fact that I get burnt out so easily is a good reason to NOT do EM).
5. These away rotations are a pain in the ass. The immunization forms are ridiculous in and of themselves (I go to a fucking medical school. Do you think I'm not immunized?). I was doing the paperwork today and I realized that my TB expires this month, so I have to get it redone. And, given that I'm working 12-14 hour days, there's not a lot of time to do that in. The applications open May 1, and what with me needing to get my picture done this weekend, there's no way I'm getting them turned in at this time. I don't think it matters because most of the schools I'm applying for don't even process the applications until at least Mid-May but still. Also, do I really want to do an away. Before the boy, I was looking forward to living somewhere else for 4 weeks but now? I've actually made plans to apply to schools closer to where he lives in states I didn't before consider. Talking to a person I consider THE smartest guy in our class, he was describing how ridiculous aways are (looking like a lost moron who needs help finding everything is NOT an ideal way to make an impression).
6. (And this is related to #4) But, I think this entire identity crisis is all due to The Boy, which is really fucking hilarious (and, again, if I were a normal, sane person, I would be scared) because honestly? We've only been talking more since beginning of this month. The word "date" has never entered into any of our conversations. There is so much that can go wrong or just not work out and here I am potentially changing my entire life for him. God, my whimsicality and impulsivity is a bitch.
7. And this is embarrassing, but I've been watching House recently and...maybe that's also influenced this recent change of heart? (If I were to be 100% honest with myself, it's the reason I went to med school in the first place: how's that for whimsicality?). I also would like to do a fellowship in infectious diseases, but I can honestly say that that's due to the influence of an amazing attending I had on IM. I only realized after that House just so happens to also be board certified in that specialty.
So, my solution (that I'll hopefully have patience to implement successfully?)? Do the aways. If I don't get accepted, then that's that. Do a sub-i in both IM and EM. See what I think.
1. The boy. He's actually a plus in my life right now. And he keeps initiating texts with me (and we've made weekend plans already) despite the fact that he's now seen me at my most spastic, exhausted worst. And I still don't have a handle on any of this. I genuinely like him for NO RATIONAL REASON. In the past, my crushes have always been tempered with a rational voice that keeps the rest of me in check, but my rational voice in this case has literally been like, "I don't see why not," and then packed its bags for an extended holiday (must be nice...). I think what it comes down to is literally, I just like him. It's not anymore complicated than that. But, because I'm me, I can't do uncomplicated. However, what I DO know is that I get so happy when I text him and I'm really, really looking forward to this weekend. (Also, he read the first Cabal novel and not only liked it, but MENTIONED BOBBINS! One of my favorite (and most underrated/insignificant) characters! Crazy!
2. My life plans. From day 1 of med school, I've known I've wanted to do EM. There wasn't a sliver of a thought or temptation to go for another specialty. But, what with the issues I've described in #1, I've....maybe settled down? Maybe realized that there's someone out there who I could potentially be happy with? Anyway, that combined with how absolutely exhausted I've been this rotation, I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need a high-stress job. Maybe I need a job with less flexible hours, but with an easier pace. Maybe I actually would learn to like routine. So...maybe I'm starting to consider internal medicine? I've been trying to look back at that rotation and determine why I didn't like it and they're for reasons I think not being a med student would eliminate (ie, having some degree of independence/responsibility). But I woke up yesterday thinking that maybe I should switch focuses and...the more I think about it, the more it's eating at me. And, as I'm typing this, I'm starting to think that maybe it is an ideal idea....
3. My pride. Dammit, I've told everyone in med school that I want to do EM and I feel like I'd look like a failure if I changed now. But pride kinda got me into med school without really researching it, so do I really wanna make the same mistake twice?
4. My whimsicality. I've been known to make decisions quickly without really considering them, so the best thing I could do for this quandary I'm in is to give it time and see if this is just a phase I'm going through. I'm pretty burnt out at this point. (But the fact that I get burnt out so easily is a good reason to NOT do EM).
5. These away rotations are a pain in the ass. The immunization forms are ridiculous in and of themselves (I go to a fucking medical school. Do you think I'm not immunized?). I was doing the paperwork today and I realized that my TB expires this month, so I have to get it redone. And, given that I'm working 12-14 hour days, there's not a lot of time to do that in. The applications open May 1, and what with me needing to get my picture done this weekend, there's no way I'm getting them turned in at this time. I don't think it matters because most of the schools I'm applying for don't even process the applications until at least Mid-May but still. Also, do I really want to do an away. Before the boy, I was looking forward to living somewhere else for 4 weeks but now? I've actually made plans to apply to schools closer to where he lives in states I didn't before consider. Talking to a person I consider THE smartest guy in our class, he was describing how ridiculous aways are (looking like a lost moron who needs help finding everything is NOT an ideal way to make an impression).
6. (And this is related to #4) But, I think this entire identity crisis is all due to The Boy, which is really fucking hilarious (and, again, if I were a normal, sane person, I would be scared) because honestly? We've only been talking more since beginning of this month. The word "date" has never entered into any of our conversations. There is so much that can go wrong or just not work out and here I am potentially changing my entire life for him. God, my whimsicality and impulsivity is a bitch.
7. And this is embarrassing, but I've been watching House recently and...maybe that's also influenced this recent change of heart? (If I were to be 100% honest with myself, it's the reason I went to med school in the first place: how's that for whimsicality?). I also would like to do a fellowship in infectious diseases, but I can honestly say that that's due to the influence of an amazing attending I had on IM. I only realized after that House just so happens to also be board certified in that specialty.
So, my solution (that I'll hopefully have patience to implement successfully?)? Do the aways. If I don't get accepted, then that's that. Do a sub-i in both IM and EM. See what I think.