Back Against the Wall
"He is angry at me. I feel so small. I hate it when he is angry. She is probably angry too; I have defied them both. But, a promise is a promise to keep ...
And I've got miles to go before I sleep ...
I sit here, hours before the Court, and wonder what it must be like, for him, to be born under Grandfather's watchful eye, to be born into a world different then my own.
He does not know what it is like to fight for your life. He does not know how tiring it is when that is all there is.
Grandfather tried to show me more...tried to pull me out of the depths of this endless struggle to survive. But, he is dead now and he is right - pride goeth before the fall.
As he was preparing me for things, he said that the Monster feels no sadness, no anger, no embaressment, no pride. He was trying to prepare me for what I was to walk into. And yet, he is angry with me. I think he is afraid. I don't think he wants to lose his investment.
I wonder what it is like to only play the political game, as if that wasn't deadly enough.
I wonder what it is like not to have to come out swinging in order to survive, to be able to wait, and plan, and watch.
Maybe, when this is said and done, I will find out. That possibility is worth fighting for. So, into battle I go.
And as I face the Court of my former jilted lover, others work on my behalf within the family. Just have to buy them some time...
I cannot concentrate on his anger. I cannot focus on my wayward daughter's lies. I cannot focus on my GrandSire's silence, though even now I recall the thumping of his fists beating me into torpor upon my first visit. Had he disliked me, he would have killed me instead. Instead, he tested my prowess, looking for weaknesses like a link in a chainmail missing or something. His fists kept going even after everything went black ...
I must focus, instead, on the end goal. I will remain calm as the eye of a storm as I walk into Court tonight. They will not know I have my back against the wall as I fight the world alone. I am used to it."
-- from the diary of Molly Laroche Savatius, April 3rd, 2010
And I've got miles to go before I sleep ...
I sit here, hours before the Court, and wonder what it must be like, for him, to be born under Grandfather's watchful eye, to be born into a world different then my own.
He does not know what it is like to fight for your life. He does not know how tiring it is when that is all there is.
Grandfather tried to show me more...tried to pull me out of the depths of this endless struggle to survive. But, he is dead now and he is right - pride goeth before the fall.
As he was preparing me for things, he said that the Monster feels no sadness, no anger, no embaressment, no pride. He was trying to prepare me for what I was to walk into. And yet, he is angry with me. I think he is afraid. I don't think he wants to lose his investment.
I wonder what it is like to only play the political game, as if that wasn't deadly enough.
I wonder what it is like not to have to come out swinging in order to survive, to be able to wait, and plan, and watch.
Maybe, when this is said and done, I will find out. That possibility is worth fighting for. So, into battle I go.
And as I face the Court of my former jilted lover, others work on my behalf within the family. Just have to buy them some time...
I cannot concentrate on his anger. I cannot focus on my wayward daughter's lies. I cannot focus on my GrandSire's silence, though even now I recall the thumping of his fists beating me into torpor upon my first visit. Had he disliked me, he would have killed me instead. Instead, he tested my prowess, looking for weaknesses like a link in a chainmail missing or something. His fists kept going even after everything went black ...
I must focus, instead, on the end goal. I will remain calm as the eye of a storm as I walk into Court tonight. They will not know I have my back against the wall as I fight the world alone. I am used to it."
-- from the diary of Molly Laroche Savatius, April 3rd, 2010