what a day
last night was one of the strangest nights of my life. nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened. There was just a lot of booze induced prolific philosopical talk about relationships. I am the kind of person that will wait around for quite a while for what i want. i want it to work more than anything in the whole world. but at the same time i cant wait for ever and i cant put my life on hold and play games. i want some one to love me as much as i love them.. love simply being the easiest word to use in this situation. i dont know if im in love again. i want to be. i want it to work so bad i can taste it. as reevaluation day quickly approachs, i know what a crock right? you set a date to think things over? .. but as it is right around the corner i am ridiculously nervous at the thought that ive put it all out there for this long for no reason. at this point im just starting to feel like i deserve more than that. i just the truth to be told to me what ever happens no matter what. i need to hear a verdict. i am growing ever more anxious awaiting to hear the fate of my relationship with one person that i really care about and i dont know if i can wait another week. i kind of dont feel like i should have to. i am starting to feel like i deserve more than that. the whole situation is so deep and complex that no one else can fully begin to comprehend the magnitude it has in my life right now. i am all out of tears over this for now, despite what happens i just dont think i can waste another tear on it. i just want to have the nerve to spill my guts out and say everything thats been playing in my mind over the past 18 hours or so. it wouldnt even be bad if the whole thing wasnt so hot and cold. one day its perfect and i feel like its going to work out and then the next its hell.. i almost feel like im being tested to see if im going to walk away. i just want it to be common knowledge that im not waiting around for lack of options but because i really honest to god want it to work out. i just want to know now. not a week from now.. and i am going to do something about it today.