Unapologetic narcissism
I can't lie. Yeah, I make up weird, harmless stories to amuse myself, but I can't look someone in the eye and lie to them when they ask how I'm doing. If I do, they always see right through it because I make sure that I can see through it, because I like people to know how I'm feeling, because contrary to what people have told me in the recent past, I actually am a very open person and I let people get to know me, and if you don't understand something about me, odds are, I don't either.
Unrelated to that oddly defensive and entirely unprovoked sentence, what am I going to do at Christmas? I was nervous at Thanksgiving because they would be disappointed in my social life, but they didn't care one bit about that, they were proud of how well I was doing in my classes. And I was, too. I felt good about that. Hasn't that been what I've said all this time? "Well, I have no friends, but at least I'm awesome in my classes." Hasn't that been, all this time, the only thing that's kept me from breaking down?
To learn that I did not actually do as spectacularly as I've been led to believe [by my own encouragement], then, makes me wonder what the fuck I'm doing. There are only two things that I actually like about myself: I'm exceedingly rational (disregarding rants about myself) and I'm an exceptionally good learner. As it turns out, rationality isn't appreciated until a problem arrives, but I'm too much of a bore to everyone here for them to realize that I can easily walk them through their ridiculous issues if they'd just listen to me when I speak rather than pretending that it's the wind. In addition to that, I'm not getting the grades I expected. I am not comparing myself to anyone else. I don't care what the other people in my classes are getting, especially because they are all older than me and I know nothing about them. This is about me, and what I'm used to, and what I expect from myself, and what I know about myself, and to be told that "hey, it's freshman year, it's tough for anyone" isn't what I like to hear. I don't want to be another freshman having to adjust. I like to be above everyone else. That's where I feel most comfortable. Not in order that other people feel smaller, but so that I feel bigger.
So, I don't want Christmas Eve to be a summary of the semester in terms of "Well? How'd you do?" and have to say "Well. B's. Some A's." That is terrific for some people but the only way I feel okay about myself is if I'm not people, if I'm something else, something significant. I don't want to hear, "Oh, that's good!" I want to hear, "Oh, that is great!" Nothing else sets me apart--and oh, please, don't say personality, don't say it's my sense of humor, because let's face it, I am not the first teenage girl to be cynical, as we see on TV, and as my roommate ever-so-politely noted when she told me that I would outgrow this "pessimistic" stage. I like to be judged because I like that I always come off well above average in those situations, and when I don't, then I feel small.
I want to be indisputably excellent at something. That is what I would like.
Otherwise, what the hell am I doing here?
Unrelated to that oddly defensive and entirely unprovoked sentence, what am I going to do at Christmas? I was nervous at Thanksgiving because they would be disappointed in my social life, but they didn't care one bit about that, they were proud of how well I was doing in my classes. And I was, too. I felt good about that. Hasn't that been what I've said all this time? "Well, I have no friends, but at least I'm awesome in my classes." Hasn't that been, all this time, the only thing that's kept me from breaking down?
To learn that I did not actually do as spectacularly as I've been led to believe [by my own encouragement], then, makes me wonder what the fuck I'm doing. There are only two things that I actually like about myself: I'm exceedingly rational (disregarding rants about myself) and I'm an exceptionally good learner. As it turns out, rationality isn't appreciated until a problem arrives, but I'm too much of a bore to everyone here for them to realize that I can easily walk them through their ridiculous issues if they'd just listen to me when I speak rather than pretending that it's the wind. In addition to that, I'm not getting the grades I expected. I am not comparing myself to anyone else. I don't care what the other people in my classes are getting, especially because they are all older than me and I know nothing about them. This is about me, and what I'm used to, and what I expect from myself, and what I know about myself, and to be told that "hey, it's freshman year, it's tough for anyone" isn't what I like to hear. I don't want to be another freshman having to adjust. I like to be above everyone else. That's where I feel most comfortable. Not in order that other people feel smaller, but so that I feel bigger.
So, I don't want Christmas Eve to be a summary of the semester in terms of "Well? How'd you do?" and have to say "Well. B's. Some A's." That is terrific for some people but the only way I feel okay about myself is if I'm not people, if I'm something else, something significant. I don't want to hear, "Oh, that's good!" I want to hear, "Oh, that is great!" Nothing else sets me apart--and oh, please, don't say personality, don't say it's my sense of humor, because let's face it, I am not the first teenage girl to be cynical, as we see on TV, and as my roommate ever-so-politely noted when she told me that I would outgrow this "pessimistic" stage. I like to be judged because I like that I always come off well above average in those situations, and when I don't, then I feel small.
I want to be indisputably excellent at something. That is what I would like.
Otherwise, what the hell am I doing here?