Reaching up
It has been just over a month since my last post. This one is not going to be witty, or charming, or entertaining. I'm just sitting down and typing. I'm going to try and explain what has been happening in my life. I don't care who reads this or what anyone thinks of it. This is for me.
I've sunk into a terrible depression in the last three weeks. I haven't had one that lasted this long since December 07. I thought I was above this. I thought I had the skills to overcome it. In fact I know I do.
I just have to take one day at a time. I just took a nice cleansing shower, and I'm going to try and approach this day as a new day, a day to begin again. I'm going to write it all here and then let go of it.
When I tell friends "I'm depressed", the response is always "Why?" Anyone who has ever been depressed knows this is the wrong question to ask. You're in a mental fog. You cannot think. It takes inhuman concentration to perform the smallest task. If I had the mental clarity to actually think about why I am depressed, I probably would realize it's absurd and rise out of it.
Trips to the grocery store are a nightmare. I arrive, get inside and have no idea what I came there for, and making a list is way too much effort. I wander the aisles lifelessly, then get out and stand in the parking lot for 10 minutes with no clue where on earth I parked.
This sort of day to day difficulty with simple tasks only exacerbates the sense of despair.
I'll briefly discuss work only because it has been a huge factor. My close friends know that a couple of months ago we lost 25% of our work force. I lost 2 very dear friends. Beyond the grief and survivors guilt, has been the fact that our work load has increased while our staff to handle that has decreased.
Added to this, the same weekend everyone was fired, my other friend at work had her house robbed, and my good bosses' 43 year old wife passed away.
I have been late to work pretty much every day. When I wake up, the very idea of going to work has felt crushingly oppressive. I bathe and dress as though I'm going to the gallows because that's pretty much what's it's like, without the relief of death at the end of the day.
I arrive at work late with all eyes upon me. Pale, makeupless and bedraggled. People stay away from me because when I am asked a question I only have two faces: Unreasonably pissed or lifeless and confused. I start out lifelessly, and then as it sinks in how hopelessly behind I am in all my work, and the phone calls come in with even more demands- and then- it hits me. I work the rest of the day in a state of livid, shaking, barely restrained rage.
I have absolutely no help because the people I work with are in as desperate a state as I am, and the people above me are just leaning back laughing and enjoying watching the little people suffer. And the part that is so difficult for me to accept is, I run my department. I run logistics. Nothing happens without me. Yes I get zero respect, zero encouragement- and worse of all, zero cooperation. Worse yet, the people upstairs are usually trying to sabotage our work. Well, actually, ONE person.
Have you ever met one of those people? They are everywhere. They secretly sabotage things and create a huge crisis, just so they can swoop in, save the day and get the credit. I work with this man. Everyone in that place hates his guts, except the CEO. He has this strange relationship with the CEO. Anyway I gotta move on, I can't finish that right now. It's too infuriating.
Just to give you an idea of what an asshole our CEO is: He talks about how hard times are and how we all have to tighten our belts, no one gets raises, no bonus last year, we cannot get the most basic upgrades of equipment we use day to day. All while his giant boat is sitting under tarp in the warehouse, he drives to work in a shiny black Mercedes, (his wife drives a matching gold Mercedes) and last week he pulls up to work on a brand new Harley.
Anyway, another one of my friends was fired yesterday. He's been there a week longer than I have. The reason? He complained about everything I mentioned above, and The Boss' response was: "You don't like it? There's the fucking door. Don't let it hit your ass on the way out."
Obviously my friend was angered by that and tried to reason with him. There was a HUGE fight which took place in HR, where the walls are paper thin and my office is right next door. Imagine the discomfort of having to sit through 2 hours of yelling and anger. It ended with the Big Boss firing my friend.
Back to my immediate life: In January of this year, I had all these plans to try and do things, I had little trips planned and stuff, I had a plan in place to try and get caught up paying off my debt so I can save for a house. And then my little boy Luke got sick. That cost $700. And all my plans went out the window. Ever since I have been struggling to make ends meet, pay my bills, just struggling by. It seems I just cannot get caught up with anything. Meanwhile I have my real estate friend telling me my time is running out to be able to afford a house, which I can't afford anyway because I have to be able to put 3% down plus closing costs which on a house I can afford is about 7 grand. The only way I can see ever getting out of debt is getting into a house low and holding on for a few years while the economy recovers so I can sell.
I have to stop talking about this part of being depressed. Thinking about money makes me just sick. :(
There's all those things, but I think the seeds of the depression started last month at my bff's birthday party. We went up to the WA coast, stayed in this lovely house, had 21 people there, it was a blast. Her friends have a ton of teenagers though, so the house was wall to wall hormones and 12 to 17 year olds, all girls but for one lone boy. They absolutely loved me, as I was the youngest "adult" in the house, plus I sang "Living on A Prayer" and that was it. They treated me like a rock star. It was so sweet to be so admired and stuff. The one boy in the group really took to me the most and he sings too. All very cute kids and crazy teens but I loved it because it made me feel young again. I probably spent more time with them than the "grown ups".
It made me realize I am still a teenager inside and yet my body is getting older. It made me remember when I was their age and I had a few friends from the local college radio station in their 30's and I thought they were GODS. They were so comfortable with themselves and smart and worldly wise, and I just envied that. Maybe that is how those teenagers saw me...but yet I don't see myself that way. I still feel like an awkward teenager trying to get my shit together.
But I'm not, I'm going to be 34 in 3 weeks and every year, I cringe and cry and feel desperate and realize how my life is not what I wanted it to be, and how I HAVE to get my shit together.
My therapist suggested I look at myself as I would look at a friend.
Here is Andrea. She has survived 19 years of daily physical, sexual and emotional abuse. She's survived the most horrifying torture anyone can endure at the hands of a parent. She survived 6 years of abuse from her boyfriend. She's moved 3,000 miles away from everything she ever knew to try and form a life for herself. She's overcome smoking and alcohol abuse, physical self abuse, the emotional control of her mother over her. She's survived a lifetime of eating disorders. She's survived 23 years walking on a broken hip.
And now...
She has friends that love her and care about her. She has a job. She has a wonderful little home. She has two little bunnies that have happy lives now because she rescued them. She can sing. She can write. She can draw and paint. Whatever she puts her mind to, she can do. She has met people she loves and admires. She has a boundless imagination. She has harnessed her own magical energy and can have absolutely anything she wants if she focuses that power correctly.
She has beautiful, voluptuous curves, and plenty of men and women that would love to enjoy them. She has a beautiful face, and more importantly, a beautiful heart. She lives her life honestly and openly. She doesn't try to manipulate people. She treats her loved ones with love and respect. She is strong, resilient, powerful, and bursting with life and joy and happiness and love.
This is Andrea Renee. This is me. This is how I get out of the river, pull myself up from drowning. Wow.
I am trying, and I will succeed.
This is a poem that my dear friend Ginger Snakewoman wrote, that has affected my profoundly. This resonates so strongly with me. I have to say that reading this was like a small lifeline at the edge of the pit of hell for me. Hope. Reality.
I'm reaching up and grasping the rope, my friends.
Lilith, by Ginger Snakewoman
I dance my life for myself
I am whole
I am complete
I say what I mean
and I mean what I say
I dance the dark and the light
the conscious and the unconscious
the sane and the insane
and I speak from myself
authentically
with total conviction
without regard for how I might look
All the parts of myself
flow into the whole
all my divergent selves unite as one
I listen
to what needs to be heard
I never make excuses
I feel my feelings
deeply and profoundly
I never hide
I live my sexuality
to please myself
and pleasure others
I express it as it needs to be expressed
from the core of myself
from the wholeness of my dance
I am female
I am sexual
I am power
I was greatly feared.
I've sunk into a terrible depression in the last three weeks. I haven't had one that lasted this long since December 07. I thought I was above this. I thought I had the skills to overcome it. In fact I know I do.
I just have to take one day at a time. I just took a nice cleansing shower, and I'm going to try and approach this day as a new day, a day to begin again. I'm going to write it all here and then let go of it.
When I tell friends "I'm depressed", the response is always "Why?" Anyone who has ever been depressed knows this is the wrong question to ask. You're in a mental fog. You cannot think. It takes inhuman concentration to perform the smallest task. If I had the mental clarity to actually think about why I am depressed, I probably would realize it's absurd and rise out of it.
Trips to the grocery store are a nightmare. I arrive, get inside and have no idea what I came there for, and making a list is way too much effort. I wander the aisles lifelessly, then get out and stand in the parking lot for 10 minutes with no clue where on earth I parked.
This sort of day to day difficulty with simple tasks only exacerbates the sense of despair.
I'll briefly discuss work only because it has been a huge factor. My close friends know that a couple of months ago we lost 25% of our work force. I lost 2 very dear friends. Beyond the grief and survivors guilt, has been the fact that our work load has increased while our staff to handle that has decreased.
Added to this, the same weekend everyone was fired, my other friend at work had her house robbed, and my good bosses' 43 year old wife passed away.
I have been late to work pretty much every day. When I wake up, the very idea of going to work has felt crushingly oppressive. I bathe and dress as though I'm going to the gallows because that's pretty much what's it's like, without the relief of death at the end of the day.
I arrive at work late with all eyes upon me. Pale, makeupless and bedraggled. People stay away from me because when I am asked a question I only have two faces: Unreasonably pissed or lifeless and confused. I start out lifelessly, and then as it sinks in how hopelessly behind I am in all my work, and the phone calls come in with even more demands- and then- it hits me. I work the rest of the day in a state of livid, shaking, barely restrained rage.
I have absolutely no help because the people I work with are in as desperate a state as I am, and the people above me are just leaning back laughing and enjoying watching the little people suffer. And the part that is so difficult for me to accept is, I run my department. I run logistics. Nothing happens without me. Yes I get zero respect, zero encouragement- and worse of all, zero cooperation. Worse yet, the people upstairs are usually trying to sabotage our work. Well, actually, ONE person.
Have you ever met one of those people? They are everywhere. They secretly sabotage things and create a huge crisis, just so they can swoop in, save the day and get the credit. I work with this man. Everyone in that place hates his guts, except the CEO. He has this strange relationship with the CEO. Anyway I gotta move on, I can't finish that right now. It's too infuriating.
Just to give you an idea of what an asshole our CEO is: He talks about how hard times are and how we all have to tighten our belts, no one gets raises, no bonus last year, we cannot get the most basic upgrades of equipment we use day to day. All while his giant boat is sitting under tarp in the warehouse, he drives to work in a shiny black Mercedes, (his wife drives a matching gold Mercedes) and last week he pulls up to work on a brand new Harley.
Anyway, another one of my friends was fired yesterday. He's been there a week longer than I have. The reason? He complained about everything I mentioned above, and The Boss' response was: "You don't like it? There's the fucking door. Don't let it hit your ass on the way out."
Obviously my friend was angered by that and tried to reason with him. There was a HUGE fight which took place in HR, where the walls are paper thin and my office is right next door. Imagine the discomfort of having to sit through 2 hours of yelling and anger. It ended with the Big Boss firing my friend.
Back to my immediate life: In January of this year, I had all these plans to try and do things, I had little trips planned and stuff, I had a plan in place to try and get caught up paying off my debt so I can save for a house. And then my little boy Luke got sick. That cost $700. And all my plans went out the window. Ever since I have been struggling to make ends meet, pay my bills, just struggling by. It seems I just cannot get caught up with anything. Meanwhile I have my real estate friend telling me my time is running out to be able to afford a house, which I can't afford anyway because I have to be able to put 3% down plus closing costs which on a house I can afford is about 7 grand. The only way I can see ever getting out of debt is getting into a house low and holding on for a few years while the economy recovers so I can sell.
I have to stop talking about this part of being depressed. Thinking about money makes me just sick. :(
There's all those things, but I think the seeds of the depression started last month at my bff's birthday party. We went up to the WA coast, stayed in this lovely house, had 21 people there, it was a blast. Her friends have a ton of teenagers though, so the house was wall to wall hormones and 12 to 17 year olds, all girls but for one lone boy. They absolutely loved me, as I was the youngest "adult" in the house, plus I sang "Living on A Prayer" and that was it. They treated me like a rock star. It was so sweet to be so admired and stuff. The one boy in the group really took to me the most and he sings too. All very cute kids and crazy teens but I loved it because it made me feel young again. I probably spent more time with them than the "grown ups".
It made me realize I am still a teenager inside and yet my body is getting older. It made me remember when I was their age and I had a few friends from the local college radio station in their 30's and I thought they were GODS. They were so comfortable with themselves and smart and worldly wise, and I just envied that. Maybe that is how those teenagers saw me...but yet I don't see myself that way. I still feel like an awkward teenager trying to get my shit together.
But I'm not, I'm going to be 34 in 3 weeks and every year, I cringe and cry and feel desperate and realize how my life is not what I wanted it to be, and how I HAVE to get my shit together.
My therapist suggested I look at myself as I would look at a friend.
Here is Andrea. She has survived 19 years of daily physical, sexual and emotional abuse. She's survived the most horrifying torture anyone can endure at the hands of a parent. She survived 6 years of abuse from her boyfriend. She's moved 3,000 miles away from everything she ever knew to try and form a life for herself. She's overcome smoking and alcohol abuse, physical self abuse, the emotional control of her mother over her. She's survived a lifetime of eating disorders. She's survived 23 years walking on a broken hip.
And now...
She has friends that love her and care about her. She has a job. She has a wonderful little home. She has two little bunnies that have happy lives now because she rescued them. She can sing. She can write. She can draw and paint. Whatever she puts her mind to, she can do. She has met people she loves and admires. She has a boundless imagination. She has harnessed her own magical energy and can have absolutely anything she wants if she focuses that power correctly.
She has beautiful, voluptuous curves, and plenty of men and women that would love to enjoy them. She has a beautiful face, and more importantly, a beautiful heart. She lives her life honestly and openly. She doesn't try to manipulate people. She treats her loved ones with love and respect. She is strong, resilient, powerful, and bursting with life and joy and happiness and love.
This is Andrea Renee. This is me. This is how I get out of the river, pull myself up from drowning. Wow.
I am trying, and I will succeed.
This is a poem that my dear friend Ginger Snakewoman wrote, that has affected my profoundly. This resonates so strongly with me. I have to say that reading this was like a small lifeline at the edge of the pit of hell for me. Hope. Reality.
I'm reaching up and grasping the rope, my friends.
Lilith, by Ginger Snakewoman
I dance my life for myself
I am whole
I am complete
I say what I mean
and I mean what I say
I dance the dark and the light
the conscious and the unconscious
the sane and the insane
and I speak from myself
authentically
with total conviction
without regard for how I might look
All the parts of myself
flow into the whole
all my divergent selves unite as one
I listen
to what needs to be heard
I never make excuses
I feel my feelings
deeply and profoundly
I never hide
I live my sexuality
to please myself
and pleasure others
I express it as it needs to be expressed
from the core of myself
from the wholeness of my dance
I am female
I am sexual
I am power
I was greatly feared.