life is so much bigger than the world inside our heads.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night just as i was bursting into tears. its always a strange thing to wake up from a horrible dream and realize that youre laying in bed and that whatever happened in your dream to make you cry didnt happen at all. but sometimes it just seems so real and possible that you lay there crying still. i had a dream that soldiers killed in action were being honored in church. families of the soldiers were being handed their worn, folded up uniforms, an american flag, and a yellow piece of cloth (i dont really know why anyone would get a yellow piece of cloth... besides that yellow symbolizes hope.) and in my dream i watched as people stood proud. and then all the sudden it came to me, and i was being handed his uniform and a flag and i just burst into tears- and like in the other similiar dreams i had- i just started screaming out and saying NOOO and kept crying hysterically, until i finally woke up and out of this nightmare. its horrible. whats worst of all about this is that when kids have nightmares, their parents tell them its not real- it was just a dream. but this is real. and that dream put it lightly, the things that families have to go through. to me the army has always symbolized the strength, courage and bravery that these young men and women walk into. but unless you know it first hand, its hard to understand the amount of people impacted by one soldier's enlistment.
so i went back to bed and THEN had a dream that a doctor was trying to talk me out of my switch from mortuary science to cosmetology. god. i think it was more of a relief to simply wake up this morning and get the hell out of that dream. frankly, i dont know what i'm doing with my future anymore. i was raised (like all my siblings were) to plan for a successful future and do what it takes to get ahead and live comfortably. and i tried that. i tried college and its a struggle to get through the last quarter of my associates degree. and on my own, i checked out cosmetology schools and set up interviews and went to them and did very well. so then this weekend when i told my mom i've made the decision to enroll for september instead of july... she flipped out. she told me i was doing this just so that i could be with andrew. and what did i think i was gonna do? follow him around wherever he goes for the rest of my life? my mom didnt say this in a mean manner, and i know she didnt mean to be offensive. really- shes addmitted to me that she always thought i'd be the one to stick around and be the helper for her and dad when they get old. so maybe this is just scary for her. but her comments felt degrading to me.
first of all, hair school has always been something that if I want it, then I have to go after it. no one is going to do it for me, and i know my parents have different ideas for me. so when i finally did this on my own and was feeling really good about it, suddenly it was like, who is she to try and step in and influence any of these decisions? and i told her that. i said "it was my decision to look at hair school. and it will be my decision to figure out when i'll start"
second of all, apparently she doesnt understand how things are with me and andrew, and she has not been listening to anything i've been saying about this all. we've had the conversation before where i told her when andrew gets back, i wont be ready to simply up and leave and move away to be with him. he wouldnt want that and neither would i. we're both independent people with a lot on our plates to take care of- mainly, school. plus, a second deployment for him is not out of the picture. why would i move to a city and state that i dont know, with very few people i know- when there is a good chance that he could be sent overseas again and leave me there on my own. she KNOWS i want to get myself more secure and self-providing before i think about moving away (whether it be with someone, or just moving out on my own). so when she questioned me about my motives, it felt like she thought i was too immature to not think of these things on my own. like i needed her to point out that i had things i needed to worry about for myself, first.
heres the deal. i'm waiting for september to start cosmetology school because i want to work more. i want to have my own life and make more of my own money and get myself set. i want to be able to pay for tuition on my own (though i know this really might be close to impossible) because hair school has been my own thing. my parents lent me money for college because that is where they thought i'd make a future for myself. now i want to pay for hair school because i KNOW i'm making a future for myself. and yes, a lot of it has to do with andrew coming home as well. and i dont think thats a bad thing. when he comes home, this is going to be a long distance relationship (not like it already isnt) and he has 3 months to get back on his feet before he'll be going back to school. so why not take advantage of this and give us some time to just enjoy him being home, without too many other commitments to get in the way. we'll both start back to school at the same time, and hopefully we'll be on the same page. i dont think its wrong of me to wait til september. and like i told my mom, if i was continuing onto my senior year of college, the fall quarter wouldnt start til september anyway. so there.
so i went back to bed and THEN had a dream that a doctor was trying to talk me out of my switch from mortuary science to cosmetology. god. i think it was more of a relief to simply wake up this morning and get the hell out of that dream. frankly, i dont know what i'm doing with my future anymore. i was raised (like all my siblings were) to plan for a successful future and do what it takes to get ahead and live comfortably. and i tried that. i tried college and its a struggle to get through the last quarter of my associates degree. and on my own, i checked out cosmetology schools and set up interviews and went to them and did very well. so then this weekend when i told my mom i've made the decision to enroll for september instead of july... she flipped out. she told me i was doing this just so that i could be with andrew. and what did i think i was gonna do? follow him around wherever he goes for the rest of my life? my mom didnt say this in a mean manner, and i know she didnt mean to be offensive. really- shes addmitted to me that she always thought i'd be the one to stick around and be the helper for her and dad when they get old. so maybe this is just scary for her. but her comments felt degrading to me.
first of all, hair school has always been something that if I want it, then I have to go after it. no one is going to do it for me, and i know my parents have different ideas for me. so when i finally did this on my own and was feeling really good about it, suddenly it was like, who is she to try and step in and influence any of these decisions? and i told her that. i said "it was my decision to look at hair school. and it will be my decision to figure out when i'll start"
second of all, apparently she doesnt understand how things are with me and andrew, and she has not been listening to anything i've been saying about this all. we've had the conversation before where i told her when andrew gets back, i wont be ready to simply up and leave and move away to be with him. he wouldnt want that and neither would i. we're both independent people with a lot on our plates to take care of- mainly, school. plus, a second deployment for him is not out of the picture. why would i move to a city and state that i dont know, with very few people i know- when there is a good chance that he could be sent overseas again and leave me there on my own. she KNOWS i want to get myself more secure and self-providing before i think about moving away (whether it be with someone, or just moving out on my own). so when she questioned me about my motives, it felt like she thought i was too immature to not think of these things on my own. like i needed her to point out that i had things i needed to worry about for myself, first.
heres the deal. i'm waiting for september to start cosmetology school because i want to work more. i want to have my own life and make more of my own money and get myself set. i want to be able to pay for tuition on my own (though i know this really might be close to impossible) because hair school has been my own thing. my parents lent me money for college because that is where they thought i'd make a future for myself. now i want to pay for hair school because i KNOW i'm making a future for myself. and yes, a lot of it has to do with andrew coming home as well. and i dont think thats a bad thing. when he comes home, this is going to be a long distance relationship (not like it already isnt) and he has 3 months to get back on his feet before he'll be going back to school. so why not take advantage of this and give us some time to just enjoy him being home, without too many other commitments to get in the way. we'll both start back to school at the same time, and hopefully we'll be on the same page. i dont think its wrong of me to wait til september. and like i told my mom, if i was continuing onto my senior year of college, the fall quarter wouldnt start til september anyway. so there.