your skin and bones turn into something beautiful. for you i'd bleed myself dry.
I have not updated my poor livejournal in over a month... it probably feels neglected. well, i've gotten on here like, 10 different times in the last 5 weeks with so much to talk about but no where to start. and here i am again. but i feel like i have so much to say for real- so i'm stealing this from steph to get the thoughts rolling... i'd probably advise you just scroll down and get to the real stuff-- i dont know how interesting this'll be...
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now.
10. you are skinnier than i will ever be, so stop calling yourself fat.
9. stop telling me not to think about marriage.
8. i miss you.
7. i love you.
6. i dont know whats stopping me from being better for you.
5. you need to figure out how to move on and get control of yourself.
4. i dont know what i ever saw in you.
3. you are the strongest person i know.
2. you never think itll happen to you... i'm afraid of losing you.
1. you're the one and everyone knows it.
Nine things about myself.
9. i think about my weight more than i should, but i dont do anything about it.
8. (in response to #9) i like food.
7. i think i'm meant to be a college dropout.
6. i LOVE the smell of cigarette smoke and car fresheners.
5. all those times i thought i was in love, i didnt know what i was talking about.
4. i work more than i should, but not enough.
3. i can't wait to have my own place, but i get teary eyed when i think about ever leaving home.
2. i have the potential to be a crazy cat lady.
1. i own 2 pairs of shoes that i have never worn, but purchased because they are glorious to think about wearing.
Eight ways to win my heart.
8. let me be giggly and girly about us.
7. give me time to warm up to you, but dont make me make the first move... TAKE IT SLOW.
6. make my dad warm up to you (well- this one is out of your control, really).
5. open doors.
4. care about your appearance (but not excessively)
3. hold my hand (without me having to slip my hand in yours).
2. look me in the eyes.
1. make me laugh harder than anyone else.
Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. why are you eating this?
6. why are you spending money on this?
5. why are you sitting in this dumb class right now?
4. where will you be in a year?
3. is this for real?
2. what do i wanna be when i grow up
1. i miss you
Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. pet buttons, who waits for me to climb in bed, before he will.
5. check facebook (sad, i know)
4. change into pajama pants
3. think about what i have to do tomorrow.
2. close my eyes.
1. think about boy.
Five people who mean a lot.
5. i cant narrow it down to 5 people, so i made groups.. and because of this, i dont have 5
4. co workers
3. best friends
2. mom dad and family
1. andrew
Four things you're wearing right now.
4. brown pajama pants
3. black work shirt
2. necklace
1. ring
Three songs that you listen to often, right now.
3. yellow... coldplay
2. just a dream... carrie underwood
1. every thug needs a lady... alkaline trio
Two things you want to do before you die.
2. be content
1. have a long and happy marriage
One confession.
1. i know exactly what i want out of life, but i'm afraid of it.
okay so. i guess that worked. kind of.
i guess i'll go about this kind of backwards, as far as big events go...
FALL QUARTER IS OVER! and i am officially one quarter away from having my associates degree in pre-mortuary science! good to know i'll never use that degree, but also just as good to know it will be done with so soon!!! i guess what sucks about it is that i'll always have the interest and the passion for the subject- but being at raymond walters has sucked out my passion for learning. i guess thats why i'm so unsure of what i want to do next, because unlike any other times before, i'm having trouble picturing myself in a classroom atmosphere, anywhere. i guess i still have time, but really, not that much.
MY BIGGEST BROTHER IS MARRIED!!! i have a sister in law!! how crazy is that?! the wedding was gigantic and gorgeous and so much fun. they got married on their 10 year anniversary of dating, so i guess i thought it already felt like they were married, because theyve been together so long... but they came over for dinner last night, and it felt different, but in a good way... i guess in an official way. i liked it. and my brother was wearing his ring. i like that, too.
THANKSGIVING! jeeze. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. but this year it was so different because the wedding was 2 days after. its my favorite because its the one holiday we just stay home and relax with the fam. no huge family get togethers, and no where to go or no place we need to be at a certain time. i love being able to just enjoy eachothers company! but this year my aunt invited us all over for dinner, so we wouldnt have to worry about preparing anything. which was very nice. but it didnt feel like thanksgiving AT ALL. and because of this, i'm having a hard time getting used to all the christmas stuff-- i dont even feel like thanksgiving has happened yet! which reminds me. i have no christmas shopping done at allll. YIKES!
now for the big one... ANDREW.
those two weeks that he was home were probably the biggest rush of my life. i really dont know where to start on this one. i guess when i found out he was even getting a chance to come home before next summer, i didnt believe it. then, all the sudden i found myself at the air port, waiting at the end of the hallway for him to get off his flight. and the second i saw him (in his uniform! WOO!) turn the corner, i could have screamed!! of course they have that dumb line that i'm not allowed to cross until he gets past it, and i'm pretty sure that the closer he got to me, i started jumping up and down. oh wow. and thats when the rush began. i've never cried happy tears. and i still havent-- but i was pretty darn close the second i finally had my arms around him and felt him hugging back so strongly! THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS TO HUG SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND TO FEEL THEM HUGGING YOU BACK. so once we walked out of the airport- the rush began. first, andrew wanted to rent a car, because HE wanted to be able to drive this time around. we came home where mom and dad met him for like 20 minutes (and loved him) and then right away we were off to illinois. it was another great feeling to see how happy andrews friends were to have him there. its great to see people who really care about eachother. so we partied there for a night, woke up early and headed out to colorado. i think maybe this road trip time was my favorite part of his leave. maybe. it was the first time its ever been just me and him. and for 16 and a half hours, we were stuck in this little car- realizing that we'd never been by alone like this. and i guess it was something that could make or break a newish relationship- and obviously, it made ours!! its strange to say it this far into the relationship, but with the circumstances provided, its true--- we hit it off!!! we must have spent 14 of those hours laughing and giggling and having so much fun. we took our time getting to colorado and did all the things we wanted to do. we finally had the chance to become close friends, too!! AND!! I SAW BUFFALO! and MOUNTAINS! and most yikes of all, met his dad! who was very nice! and his sister! who was also very nice! i guess the reason this is all seeming like such a huge deal is because i've never REALLY been someones girlfriend. so all the official things are intimidating, but really end up being fun. through my photos on facebook, i'm sure all my readers have seen how colorado went. it was AWESOME! andrew's dad lives in a modern-feeling log cabin in the mountains of north colorado- and to be experiencing mountains for the first time, by living right in the middle of them was amazing! me and andrew went into the rocky mountains and explored a little. i took him out for a birthday dinner (even though his birthday was over 2 months ago.. this was our first chance!) we went shopping! gosh we did so much!!! colorado was great! then a couple days later, it came time to head back to illinois and celebrate a little more with andrews friends that he's 21! so the first day, andrew and his best friend went to the bars for an hour or two and then came back for a party with everyone! andrew was passed out by 10 (which is a good sign of how hard he was partying and how long its been since hes had alcohol). the second night, the guys went to the bars for like 10 hours, me being their DD. and it was hilarious. i've never seen any of them so drunk! and so to see all of them completely hammered was amazing. theyre a great group of friends for him and i love that i felt like i could be part of it. the next morning (andrew with a terrible hangover) we drove back to cincinnati and walked in the front door to a family party, so surprise! andrew met my brothers and sister and grandparents. it was great. they loved him!!! 2 weeks later and my grandpa still tells me he thinks andrew is a really great guy! its the best feeling. we got back to cincinnati sunday night, monday we simply hung out. tuesday andrew went back to illinois for a concert that im not old enough to get into. wednesday, i took andrew into the salon where everyone crowded around him and later could not stop talking about him. and then we went up to chicagoish to meet his sergeants family- who was sooo nice! and friends of another soldier he is overseas with. everyone was so nice!! thursday we came back home, stopping through his hometown, so he could say goodbye to his grandma and aunts and uncles. he told me when afterwards, on the way back home to cincinnati, that he and his aunt had gone outside to smoke, where she told him he needed to marry me. huge. and the fact that andrew told me this made me feel even better about it. so we got back home where mom made dinner for us. then the next couple days flew by. we went to topcats where all my best friends met him and loved him!! aschli's wonderful parents were our designated drivers another night so we could all party like crazy at top cats again- where "doc" and his girlfriend met up with us. somewhere in there, we carved pumpkins with mom... tons of fun!!!
and then came the weekend where we realized that we only had 2 nights left. and thats when it started getting harder than anything to avoid the truth that this couldnt last forever and that war doesnt wait for anyone. and i thought that this would be the part i'd want to write forever and ever about, but now that i'm really REALLY thinking about it- i'm crying. its like that feeling you get when you're having such a GREAT day and everything is going exactly as you had hoped and wished for, or even better really... and then something stops you dead in your tracks, and you just want to curl up and go back to bed. that feeling x 50. i guess what made the weekend so hard was that we had both realized that we really were together and how much we were becoming friends too. i dont even know what to really say about it. it just sucked. a lot. the night before he left, mom made dinner. we were upstairs and when she called us into the kitchen, she was crying. and that pretty much set the mood for the next 24 hours. seeing my mom cry always gets me... especially when its over something important to me. but i did not want to waste our last night, so i tried my hardest to keep it in. we went out to the movies, and hung out afterwards.. but we were both so quiet. i have the biggest lump in my throat just thinking about it. when it was finally time to say goodnight, i just stood there crying. i didnt want to, because i know it makes him feel bad. but i couldnt stop. i just stood there watching him get his stuff packed up- packing all his army stuff and leaving his "civilian stuff" behind, with me. we were both just trying to do more and more stuff, to avoid saying goodnight for the last time and to stay up as late as possible, but finally he just stopped and looked at me, and thats when all the tears i'd been holding in the whole time just overflowed. and he just hugged me and told me it wasnt time for tears yet. and i could hardly squeak out the words goodnight and i love you. i dont know how i even fell asleep that night, but when my alarm woke me up early the next morning, i was hoping it was just a nightmare, until he actually came in and woke me up, saying it was time to get going. i woke up to the sound of rain for the first time those 2 weeks. my stomach immediately flipped and the second it hit me, what we had to do, i almost threw up. we finished packing up, andrew got in his uniform for the first time in 2 weeks, and took the rental car back. we arrived to the air port about 2 and a half hours before his flight, thinking it would take longer to get his ticket and everything but it did not at all. the lady gave me a pass for being "family of the US armed forces" which let me get through security and sit at the gate with him. we walked through the airport and found his gate, where a couple other soldiers were already sitting. we just kinda walked around the airport for a while- talking about how sick we felt that this day was actually here. finally we forced ourselves to eat some kind of breakfast, despite the uneasy stomachs. and as we stood up and walked back to the gate, we heard the lady start announcing boarding. we sat down as we waited for his section to board, and it felt like time just rushed and i had so much i had to say to him, but none of it was coming to me. and as the section letters got closer and closer to his the more nervous i felt. and then they called the section before his. and we both just stood up and looked at eachother. and i just felt so goofy because at this point i was pretty much crying hysterically in front of these other soldiers and regular travelers just trying to get to atlanta... but i didnt care. i didnt take my eyes off him and he didnt take his eyes off me, even when they called his section number, and the one after his. we hugged. and we kissed. and we said i love you. and goodbye. and walked over to the gate entrance, and did it all over again. and we hugged real tight... and then he just let go, looked at me, and turned and walked onto the plane. normally i wouldve stayed and watched the plane take off, but i couldnt. i couldnt watch people walk by looking at me in tears. so i turned away and walked out with my head up, but not looking at anyone. and i felt like it took forever to get out of the airport and back home and all i wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep away the next 7 months.
my dad called me around noon to check in (which he never does) and was asking questions and i felt like i had a grip on it all and was talking to him, and then he asked, how are you doing? and immediately my voice got shaky and i just answered, okay. and started crying (which i dont do very often in front of my dad) and he just started saying "he was a very nice guy molly, and i know its just going to take a lot of time for you to get back to normal.it'll be hard for you but eventaully time will start to pass again" and finally me and dad said goodbye. so i woke up in my bed later that afternoon to my mom gently shaking me awake asking how i was doing. before i could even think about why she'd be asking this question, i answered "fine." and she just bursts into a whole round of tears and says "how can you be fine when i'm a mess??" and then i burst into tears and she tells me that she already missed walking in the door and seeing his shoes there. she knew better than to ask how the morning went, and she just sat there letting me talk if i wanted or just be quiet. i think i went back to bed. i dont remember. at some point, andrew called saying he had arrived in atlanta and we talked for a little bit-- both of us still feeling pretty sick about it all. i'm sure i cried myself to sleep that night. the next morning i had a nail appointment. i walked in the front door of the salon and just burst into tears when i saw my coworkers just looking at me. and they let me talk and tell them about it all and a couple of them even cried with me for a good 10 minutes. and then i came back later on that night to work... and thats when i finally threw myself back into a schedule of work and eventually school. and thats about where i am now. still not back into the routine of it all and still not back to my tough self about it all. but for the most part, i'm getting back into the swing of this. i mean look... only 27 weeks and 5 days!!!
whew! i guess i spilled my guts after all! jeeze. sorry if this was a downer of an entry, but i needed to get that all down somewhere because when the time comes that he's back for good, i'll be able to read back on this and celebrate that i wont have to go through it again!
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now.
10. you are skinnier than i will ever be, so stop calling yourself fat.
9. stop telling me not to think about marriage.
8. i miss you.
7. i love you.
6. i dont know whats stopping me from being better for you.
5. you need to figure out how to move on and get control of yourself.
4. i dont know what i ever saw in you.
3. you are the strongest person i know.
2. you never think itll happen to you... i'm afraid of losing you.
1. you're the one and everyone knows it.
Nine things about myself.
9. i think about my weight more than i should, but i dont do anything about it.
8. (in response to #9) i like food.
7. i think i'm meant to be a college dropout.
6. i LOVE the smell of cigarette smoke and car fresheners.
5. all those times i thought i was in love, i didnt know what i was talking about.
4. i work more than i should, but not enough.
3. i can't wait to have my own place, but i get teary eyed when i think about ever leaving home.
2. i have the potential to be a crazy cat lady.
1. i own 2 pairs of shoes that i have never worn, but purchased because they are glorious to think about wearing.
Eight ways to win my heart.
8. let me be giggly and girly about us.
7. give me time to warm up to you, but dont make me make the first move... TAKE IT SLOW.
6. make my dad warm up to you (well- this one is out of your control, really).
5. open doors.
4. care about your appearance (but not excessively)
3. hold my hand (without me having to slip my hand in yours).
2. look me in the eyes.
1. make me laugh harder than anyone else.
Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. why are you eating this?
6. why are you spending money on this?
5. why are you sitting in this dumb class right now?
4. where will you be in a year?
3. is this for real?
2. what do i wanna be when i grow up
1. i miss you
Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. pet buttons, who waits for me to climb in bed, before he will.
5. check facebook (sad, i know)
4. change into pajama pants
3. think about what i have to do tomorrow.
2. close my eyes.
1. think about boy.
Five people who mean a lot.
5. i cant narrow it down to 5 people, so i made groups.. and because of this, i dont have 5
4. co workers
3. best friends
2. mom dad and family
1. andrew
Four things you're wearing right now.
4. brown pajama pants
3. black work shirt
2. necklace
1. ring
Three songs that you listen to often, right now.
3. yellow... coldplay
2. just a dream... carrie underwood
1. every thug needs a lady... alkaline trio
Two things you want to do before you die.
2. be content
1. have a long and happy marriage
One confession.
1. i know exactly what i want out of life, but i'm afraid of it.
okay so. i guess that worked. kind of.
i guess i'll go about this kind of backwards, as far as big events go...
FALL QUARTER IS OVER! and i am officially one quarter away from having my associates degree in pre-mortuary science! good to know i'll never use that degree, but also just as good to know it will be done with so soon!!! i guess what sucks about it is that i'll always have the interest and the passion for the subject- but being at raymond walters has sucked out my passion for learning. i guess thats why i'm so unsure of what i want to do next, because unlike any other times before, i'm having trouble picturing myself in a classroom atmosphere, anywhere. i guess i still have time, but really, not that much.
MY BIGGEST BROTHER IS MARRIED!!! i have a sister in law!! how crazy is that?! the wedding was gigantic and gorgeous and so much fun. they got married on their 10 year anniversary of dating, so i guess i thought it already felt like they were married, because theyve been together so long... but they came over for dinner last night, and it felt different, but in a good way... i guess in an official way. i liked it. and my brother was wearing his ring. i like that, too.
THANKSGIVING! jeeze. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. but this year it was so different because the wedding was 2 days after. its my favorite because its the one holiday we just stay home and relax with the fam. no huge family get togethers, and no where to go or no place we need to be at a certain time. i love being able to just enjoy eachothers company! but this year my aunt invited us all over for dinner, so we wouldnt have to worry about preparing anything. which was very nice. but it didnt feel like thanksgiving AT ALL. and because of this, i'm having a hard time getting used to all the christmas stuff-- i dont even feel like thanksgiving has happened yet! which reminds me. i have no christmas shopping done at allll. YIKES!
now for the big one... ANDREW.
those two weeks that he was home were probably the biggest rush of my life. i really dont know where to start on this one. i guess when i found out he was even getting a chance to come home before next summer, i didnt believe it. then, all the sudden i found myself at the air port, waiting at the end of the hallway for him to get off his flight. and the second i saw him (in his uniform! WOO!) turn the corner, i could have screamed!! of course they have that dumb line that i'm not allowed to cross until he gets past it, and i'm pretty sure that the closer he got to me, i started jumping up and down. oh wow. and thats when the rush began. i've never cried happy tears. and i still havent-- but i was pretty darn close the second i finally had my arms around him and felt him hugging back so strongly! THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS TO HUG SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND TO FEEL THEM HUGGING YOU BACK. so once we walked out of the airport- the rush began. first, andrew wanted to rent a car, because HE wanted to be able to drive this time around. we came home where mom and dad met him for like 20 minutes (and loved him) and then right away we were off to illinois. it was another great feeling to see how happy andrews friends were to have him there. its great to see people who really care about eachother. so we partied there for a night, woke up early and headed out to colorado. i think maybe this road trip time was my favorite part of his leave. maybe. it was the first time its ever been just me and him. and for 16 and a half hours, we were stuck in this little car- realizing that we'd never been by alone like this. and i guess it was something that could make or break a newish relationship- and obviously, it made ours!! its strange to say it this far into the relationship, but with the circumstances provided, its true--- we hit it off!!! we must have spent 14 of those hours laughing and giggling and having so much fun. we took our time getting to colorado and did all the things we wanted to do. we finally had the chance to become close friends, too!! AND!! I SAW BUFFALO! and MOUNTAINS! and most yikes of all, met his dad! who was very nice! and his sister! who was also very nice! i guess the reason this is all seeming like such a huge deal is because i've never REALLY been someones girlfriend. so all the official things are intimidating, but really end up being fun. through my photos on facebook, i'm sure all my readers have seen how colorado went. it was AWESOME! andrew's dad lives in a modern-feeling log cabin in the mountains of north colorado- and to be experiencing mountains for the first time, by living right in the middle of them was amazing! me and andrew went into the rocky mountains and explored a little. i took him out for a birthday dinner (even though his birthday was over 2 months ago.. this was our first chance!) we went shopping! gosh we did so much!!! colorado was great! then a couple days later, it came time to head back to illinois and celebrate a little more with andrews friends that he's 21! so the first day, andrew and his best friend went to the bars for an hour or two and then came back for a party with everyone! andrew was passed out by 10 (which is a good sign of how hard he was partying and how long its been since hes had alcohol). the second night, the guys went to the bars for like 10 hours, me being their DD. and it was hilarious. i've never seen any of them so drunk! and so to see all of them completely hammered was amazing. theyre a great group of friends for him and i love that i felt like i could be part of it. the next morning (andrew with a terrible hangover) we drove back to cincinnati and walked in the front door to a family party, so surprise! andrew met my brothers and sister and grandparents. it was great. they loved him!!! 2 weeks later and my grandpa still tells me he thinks andrew is a really great guy! its the best feeling. we got back to cincinnati sunday night, monday we simply hung out. tuesday andrew went back to illinois for a concert that im not old enough to get into. wednesday, i took andrew into the salon where everyone crowded around him and later could not stop talking about him. and then we went up to chicagoish to meet his sergeants family- who was sooo nice! and friends of another soldier he is overseas with. everyone was so nice!! thursday we came back home, stopping through his hometown, so he could say goodbye to his grandma and aunts and uncles. he told me when afterwards, on the way back home to cincinnati, that he and his aunt had gone outside to smoke, where she told him he needed to marry me. huge. and the fact that andrew told me this made me feel even better about it. so we got back home where mom made dinner for us. then the next couple days flew by. we went to topcats where all my best friends met him and loved him!! aschli's wonderful parents were our designated drivers another night so we could all party like crazy at top cats again- where "doc" and his girlfriend met up with us. somewhere in there, we carved pumpkins with mom... tons of fun!!!
and then came the weekend where we realized that we only had 2 nights left. and thats when it started getting harder than anything to avoid the truth that this couldnt last forever and that war doesnt wait for anyone. and i thought that this would be the part i'd want to write forever and ever about, but now that i'm really REALLY thinking about it- i'm crying. its like that feeling you get when you're having such a GREAT day and everything is going exactly as you had hoped and wished for, or even better really... and then something stops you dead in your tracks, and you just want to curl up and go back to bed. that feeling x 50. i guess what made the weekend so hard was that we had both realized that we really were together and how much we were becoming friends too. i dont even know what to really say about it. it just sucked. a lot. the night before he left, mom made dinner. we were upstairs and when she called us into the kitchen, she was crying. and that pretty much set the mood for the next 24 hours. seeing my mom cry always gets me... especially when its over something important to me. but i did not want to waste our last night, so i tried my hardest to keep it in. we went out to the movies, and hung out afterwards.. but we were both so quiet. i have the biggest lump in my throat just thinking about it. when it was finally time to say goodnight, i just stood there crying. i didnt want to, because i know it makes him feel bad. but i couldnt stop. i just stood there watching him get his stuff packed up- packing all his army stuff and leaving his "civilian stuff" behind, with me. we were both just trying to do more and more stuff, to avoid saying goodnight for the last time and to stay up as late as possible, but finally he just stopped and looked at me, and thats when all the tears i'd been holding in the whole time just overflowed. and he just hugged me and told me it wasnt time for tears yet. and i could hardly squeak out the words goodnight and i love you. i dont know how i even fell asleep that night, but when my alarm woke me up early the next morning, i was hoping it was just a nightmare, until he actually came in and woke me up, saying it was time to get going. i woke up to the sound of rain for the first time those 2 weeks. my stomach immediately flipped and the second it hit me, what we had to do, i almost threw up. we finished packing up, andrew got in his uniform for the first time in 2 weeks, and took the rental car back. we arrived to the air port about 2 and a half hours before his flight, thinking it would take longer to get his ticket and everything but it did not at all. the lady gave me a pass for being "family of the US armed forces" which let me get through security and sit at the gate with him. we walked through the airport and found his gate, where a couple other soldiers were already sitting. we just kinda walked around the airport for a while- talking about how sick we felt that this day was actually here. finally we forced ourselves to eat some kind of breakfast, despite the uneasy stomachs. and as we stood up and walked back to the gate, we heard the lady start announcing boarding. we sat down as we waited for his section to board, and it felt like time just rushed and i had so much i had to say to him, but none of it was coming to me. and as the section letters got closer and closer to his the more nervous i felt. and then they called the section before his. and we both just stood up and looked at eachother. and i just felt so goofy because at this point i was pretty much crying hysterically in front of these other soldiers and regular travelers just trying to get to atlanta... but i didnt care. i didnt take my eyes off him and he didnt take his eyes off me, even when they called his section number, and the one after his. we hugged. and we kissed. and we said i love you. and goodbye. and walked over to the gate entrance, and did it all over again. and we hugged real tight... and then he just let go, looked at me, and turned and walked onto the plane. normally i wouldve stayed and watched the plane take off, but i couldnt. i couldnt watch people walk by looking at me in tears. so i turned away and walked out with my head up, but not looking at anyone. and i felt like it took forever to get out of the airport and back home and all i wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep away the next 7 months.
my dad called me around noon to check in (which he never does) and was asking questions and i felt like i had a grip on it all and was talking to him, and then he asked, how are you doing? and immediately my voice got shaky and i just answered, okay. and started crying (which i dont do very often in front of my dad) and he just started saying "he was a very nice guy molly, and i know its just going to take a lot of time for you to get back to normal.it'll be hard for you but eventaully time will start to pass again" and finally me and dad said goodbye. so i woke up in my bed later that afternoon to my mom gently shaking me awake asking how i was doing. before i could even think about why she'd be asking this question, i answered "fine." and she just bursts into a whole round of tears and says "how can you be fine when i'm a mess??" and then i burst into tears and she tells me that she already missed walking in the door and seeing his shoes there. she knew better than to ask how the morning went, and she just sat there letting me talk if i wanted or just be quiet. i think i went back to bed. i dont remember. at some point, andrew called saying he had arrived in atlanta and we talked for a little bit-- both of us still feeling pretty sick about it all. i'm sure i cried myself to sleep that night. the next morning i had a nail appointment. i walked in the front door of the salon and just burst into tears when i saw my coworkers just looking at me. and they let me talk and tell them about it all and a couple of them even cried with me for a good 10 minutes. and then i came back later on that night to work... and thats when i finally threw myself back into a schedule of work and eventually school. and thats about where i am now. still not back into the routine of it all and still not back to my tough self about it all. but for the most part, i'm getting back into the swing of this. i mean look... only 27 weeks and 5 days!!!
whew! i guess i spilled my guts after all! jeeze. sorry if this was a downer of an entry, but i needed to get that all down somewhere because when the time comes that he's back for good, i'll be able to read back on this and celebrate that i wont have to go through it again!