LIFE life life lifelife
mmkay so. i spose i'll update since i may be entering a new phase in life ... either that or i'm just finding new and more obsurd ways to waste time.
first off. i'm living in burlington in a house and working at eddie bauer. i'm paying for groceries. i have less friends here than at home. so those are two obstacles in working towards happiness. third, i'm living with 4 subletters that are all older than me so that sucks too that non of my real roommates will be here til fall. fourth, i think i'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, matt. that's annoying, but i can't stop thinking about him and i'm pretty sure he still likes me too. he wants to come up north and go camping. hopefully that'll happen cuz i bet it'd be really fun and romantic. if you're wondering why i'm not with him, it's because i dumped him when he was an alcoholic and didnt have a job or any real plans to go to college.
now he's officially taken one college course and done well. he has a job landscaping 6 days a week AND he's taking night classes. he's not drinking. he's paying rent to live in a house. he's being nice to me.
it''s funny, cuz like less than 6 mos ago i was waiting for an ambulance to take his drunk ass off the sidewalk in providence. about three months ago, he was being drunk and mean and beligerant and still didn't have a job. it was around that time in march that i decided i wanted to live here this summer. i was afraid of being near matt cuz i didnt want to let him hurt me anymore. i was also afriad that i would have another summer like the last two. working all the time. never seeing people cuz i was lazy / depressed / noone was there.
i went home in may for 3 weeks and found Matt in this renewed state. a complete 180. he's never seemed so clearheaded for almost as long as i've known him. also during that break in may, i reconnected with my best friends katie and emily, who are i guess somewhat recovered from their respective life episodes. i spent time outside on my boat on the lake, which i didnt do much the last two summers. i went to a couple wild parties with all the ppl i knew in high school. i feel like summer at home would have been perfect this year.
but here i am in burlington, missing my friends, needing a lover, and having very little to do. whats worse is that i never got a serving job like i wanted, so i'm working retail. which could definitely suck more, but still sucks, and i have to buy groceries when i should be saving money, as a serving job would have paid much better.
on the bright side, i went to a cool party last friday. someone taught me how to twirl poi. not fire poi. but practice ones. it was cool. yesterday i went to oakledge park with my friend macenzie, one of the only ppl here i can confidently say "friend" about, and we jumped off the rocks which i love of course. sat on them. got high. and absorbed sunshine. and stared at the massive puddle that is lake champlain. i find that open water is definitely a good thing to have in my life. then we came back to my place, made meatballs with falafel mix. cooked some sauce and veggies and it was good.
still, the overall dilemma is this: is it worth having less money and less friends to earn myself the personal acheivement of learning to live in a new place, make new friends, and be independant??? i've always been independant. maybe i should have just been more optimistic about being at home, since ultimately the reason i didn't stay was because i was afraid it would be depressing to know that i wasnt going anywhere and that home as i knew it was not what it used to be.
either way, i know i'll be okay... it's just that in the mean time i have to live in this house on this loud street without AC without a car without my friends without my family. without much money...........
and i need to start working out again .... even though im more comfortable with my body now than i ever have been ... im still pissed cuz its a weird shaped body and will never look good unless i'm in shape all the time .... geez ... and i need to get laid. i havent had a lover since that dude iassen went back to germany in november ... and like ... one drunk fuck with your ex doesnt count ... although it prolly helped to hold me over this far.
oh which reminds me. i'm gonna start taking bikram yoga classes. not only will that help me stay in shape, it'll give me something to do. and maybe help my state of mind, and maybe help me meet more people. not that i'm desperate.
i'm just impatient.
today i flipped otu and started bitching to vanessa about how i have no friends. she helped me try to feel better. it didnt really work, but it felt good to vent. then my friend eliza called me about making plans to go to the park tomarrow. then i felt a little better.
then i talked online with my friend ian, who i met in the dorm and got high with all the time last semester.
then i went to brooks. i bought chocolate covered pretzels, sausalito cookies, chocolate pudding, hummus, goggles for the lake! and a hilai set (YESSSSS). that cheered me up too. now im gonna go shower and go to bed and feel like kicking ass in the morning.
first off. i'm living in burlington in a house and working at eddie bauer. i'm paying for groceries. i have less friends here than at home. so those are two obstacles in working towards happiness. third, i'm living with 4 subletters that are all older than me so that sucks too that non of my real roommates will be here til fall. fourth, i think i'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, matt. that's annoying, but i can't stop thinking about him and i'm pretty sure he still likes me too. he wants to come up north and go camping. hopefully that'll happen cuz i bet it'd be really fun and romantic. if you're wondering why i'm not with him, it's because i dumped him when he was an alcoholic and didnt have a job or any real plans to go to college.
now he's officially taken one college course and done well. he has a job landscaping 6 days a week AND he's taking night classes. he's not drinking. he's paying rent to live in a house. he's being nice to me.
it''s funny, cuz like less than 6 mos ago i was waiting for an ambulance to take his drunk ass off the sidewalk in providence. about three months ago, he was being drunk and mean and beligerant and still didn't have a job. it was around that time in march that i decided i wanted to live here this summer. i was afraid of being near matt cuz i didnt want to let him hurt me anymore. i was also afriad that i would have another summer like the last two. working all the time. never seeing people cuz i was lazy / depressed / noone was there.
i went home in may for 3 weeks and found Matt in this renewed state. a complete 180. he's never seemed so clearheaded for almost as long as i've known him. also during that break in may, i reconnected with my best friends katie and emily, who are i guess somewhat recovered from their respective life episodes. i spent time outside on my boat on the lake, which i didnt do much the last two summers. i went to a couple wild parties with all the ppl i knew in high school. i feel like summer at home would have been perfect this year.
but here i am in burlington, missing my friends, needing a lover, and having very little to do. whats worse is that i never got a serving job like i wanted, so i'm working retail. which could definitely suck more, but still sucks, and i have to buy groceries when i should be saving money, as a serving job would have paid much better.
on the bright side, i went to a cool party last friday. someone taught me how to twirl poi. not fire poi. but practice ones. it was cool. yesterday i went to oakledge park with my friend macenzie, one of the only ppl here i can confidently say "friend" about, and we jumped off the rocks which i love of course. sat on them. got high. and absorbed sunshine. and stared at the massive puddle that is lake champlain. i find that open water is definitely a good thing to have in my life. then we came back to my place, made meatballs with falafel mix. cooked some sauce and veggies and it was good.
still, the overall dilemma is this: is it worth having less money and less friends to earn myself the personal acheivement of learning to live in a new place, make new friends, and be independant??? i've always been independant. maybe i should have just been more optimistic about being at home, since ultimately the reason i didn't stay was because i was afraid it would be depressing to know that i wasnt going anywhere and that home as i knew it was not what it used to be.
either way, i know i'll be okay... it's just that in the mean time i have to live in this house on this loud street without AC without a car without my friends without my family. without much money...........
and i need to start working out again .... even though im more comfortable with my body now than i ever have been ... im still pissed cuz its a weird shaped body and will never look good unless i'm in shape all the time .... geez ... and i need to get laid. i havent had a lover since that dude iassen went back to germany in november ... and like ... one drunk fuck with your ex doesnt count ... although it prolly helped to hold me over this far.
oh which reminds me. i'm gonna start taking bikram yoga classes. not only will that help me stay in shape, it'll give me something to do. and maybe help my state of mind, and maybe help me meet more people. not that i'm desperate.
i'm just impatient.
today i flipped otu and started bitching to vanessa about how i have no friends. she helped me try to feel better. it didnt really work, but it felt good to vent. then my friend eliza called me about making plans to go to the park tomarrow. then i felt a little better.
then i talked online with my friend ian, who i met in the dorm and got high with all the time last semester.
then i went to brooks. i bought chocolate covered pretzels, sausalito cookies, chocolate pudding, hummus, goggles for the lake! and a hilai set (YESSSSS). that cheered me up too. now im gonna go shower and go to bed and feel like kicking ass in the morning.