It's my blog and I can sound ungrateful and bitter if I want to.
I don't have a lot to be thankful for this year.
Honestly, I'm sitting here in the first few minutes of Thanksgiving and I can't think of much.
Let me recap my life from the past year:
-Death of my grandmother, one of the only people I really loved, all of the time.
-Had to drop out of school as a result. She supported me (i.e. paid for my supplies, apartment, expenses) almost completely. I was working part time before she died, and thank GOD that I was offered a full time position. My grandpa isn't in the most ideal financial situation now, and I haven't asked him for money in months.
-I work full time now. Every time I meet my friends' friends from school, they always ask about what school I go to, and it depresses me every time. English majors don't give a fuck that I work for a successful fashion company in Chicago. I guess it humbles me, not that I need it. I didn't want to leave school. I didn't want to be working so much when I'm supposed to be enjoying my youth like everyone else fucking is.
-I have Zach. He's a lovely guy. But I'm always second priority to everything else. It really sucks when we make plans and almost always they get blown off or postponed because he's made plans that overlap, and he chooses to honor those commitments first. Not only that, he's from a completely different walk of life than I am. He has both parents, who bend over backwards to give him anything he wants. He doesn't work because he has to. He's never lost anything that I have. He's not good at sympathizing. Not that I need pity, just understanding.
-I've ruined some friendships. Not all were my fault, but now that I'm working so much, I don't have time to maintain relationships that aren't convenient. I don't take time off because I can't afford to. And when I have those two beautiful days off on the weekends, I sleep. Like, all day. And my friends, well, they're kids. They want to party. They want to be out drinking and socializing and having fun, and frankly, I feel too old for that.
-Student loan repayments have begun. I already have late fees.
-I rarely hear from family, aside from my mom.
-My mother came to visit this week. Left about a half hour ago because we got into an enormous fight. Fights of this caliber happen about twice a week for us. I get physically sick every time.
-One of my work friends is pissed at me because I'm moving up in the company faster than he is. And he won't talk to me about it. Instead, he tells my roommate. What he doesn't see is how stressed I get every morning anticipating my workday, or how my feet ache from standing for all 8-10 hours, all day, every day. Or how, even with all of my hard work, I never seem to have any money to spend on myself.
So what does that leave me with really? My faith? Okay, but that's diminishing. I've had a shit year. I'm leading a life that I don't want to be leading. I want to be exploring. I want to be off on my own, making my own way in life. But unfortunately it's not as simple as just getting out and doing what I want. I'm incredibly unhappy.
I'm still uncertain about whether or not I'll be at Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's tomorrow. Part of me wants to sit home and escape into a book. Part of me thinks going would do me good, but I think about it, and anxiety ensues. I can feel my hairs graying.
Honestly, I'm sitting here in the first few minutes of Thanksgiving and I can't think of much.
Let me recap my life from the past year:
-Death of my grandmother, one of the only people I really loved, all of the time.
-Had to drop out of school as a result. She supported me (i.e. paid for my supplies, apartment, expenses) almost completely. I was working part time before she died, and thank GOD that I was offered a full time position. My grandpa isn't in the most ideal financial situation now, and I haven't asked him for money in months.
-I work full time now. Every time I meet my friends' friends from school, they always ask about what school I go to, and it depresses me every time. English majors don't give a fuck that I work for a successful fashion company in Chicago. I guess it humbles me, not that I need it. I didn't want to leave school. I didn't want to be working so much when I'm supposed to be enjoying my youth like everyone else fucking is.
-I have Zach. He's a lovely guy. But I'm always second priority to everything else. It really sucks when we make plans and almost always they get blown off or postponed because he's made plans that overlap, and he chooses to honor those commitments first. Not only that, he's from a completely different walk of life than I am. He has both parents, who bend over backwards to give him anything he wants. He doesn't work because he has to. He's never lost anything that I have. He's not good at sympathizing. Not that I need pity, just understanding.
-I've ruined some friendships. Not all were my fault, but now that I'm working so much, I don't have time to maintain relationships that aren't convenient. I don't take time off because I can't afford to. And when I have those two beautiful days off on the weekends, I sleep. Like, all day. And my friends, well, they're kids. They want to party. They want to be out drinking and socializing and having fun, and frankly, I feel too old for that.
-Student loan repayments have begun. I already have late fees.
-I rarely hear from family, aside from my mom.
-My mother came to visit this week. Left about a half hour ago because we got into an enormous fight. Fights of this caliber happen about twice a week for us. I get physically sick every time.
-One of my work friends is pissed at me because I'm moving up in the company faster than he is. And he won't talk to me about it. Instead, he tells my roommate. What he doesn't see is how stressed I get every morning anticipating my workday, or how my feet ache from standing for all 8-10 hours, all day, every day. Or how, even with all of my hard work, I never seem to have any money to spend on myself.
So what does that leave me with really? My faith? Okay, but that's diminishing. I've had a shit year. I'm leading a life that I don't want to be leading. I want to be exploring. I want to be off on my own, making my own way in life. But unfortunately it's not as simple as just getting out and doing what I want. I'm incredibly unhappy.
I'm still uncertain about whether or not I'll be at Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's tomorrow. Part of me wants to sit home and escape into a book. Part of me thinks going would do me good, but I think about it, and anxiety ensues. I can feel my hairs graying.