Blogging about social ineptitude
I'm not just an asshole, I promise.
I was an only child raised in a household of all adults... I grew up fast. I learned to read quickly, learned to write quickly, and learned to do both well. My mother had friends, but only a few close, single women, usually with no kids of their own. My mom is by no means as quiet and reserved as I am, and I'm used to her speaking for me or helping me in social situations. I had no cousins until 5 years ago, and no family members around my age that I saw on a regular basis. I had friends, but there were few and I rarely "hung out" with other kids until middle school [there were neighborhood kids, but they were all younger]. Instead of cultivating friendships or doing extracurricular activities, most of my childhood was spent indoors or on this block of Elgin. My hobbies included reading, rock collecting, reading, stamp collecting, and making things. Throughout high school, I stuck with a few close friends, and never really felt the need to be more social than that [all of my friends are more outgoing than I am].
Supporting factoids:
Sometimes I turn down invitations to go out or go to parties simply because I do not feel like leaving the house/room.
I enjoy the company of friends, but I require a generous amount of time to recharge in solitude.
Similarly, I do not have the energy to cultivate/maintain healthy/regular friendships. I end up feeling like I'm spreading myself too thin.
Sometimes I am actively thinking, which prevents me from talking [or relevantly contributing to conversation]. But the rest of the time...
I am just being. Not thinking. Just conscious, with nothing else. So I have nothing to say.
I read people very well, and call them out on bullshit stories without much hesitation.
I also overanalyse actions and syntax, causing me to make unfair decisions, sometimes.
Because I am so critical, I assume everyone else is, which I guess is why I'm so shy when I meet people.
Eye contact makes me uncomfortable. Once eye contact is made between two people, the first one to look away is unofficially the weakest. At least that's how it is in the animal world. I avoid eye contact from the start, so I basically forfeit and admit defeat immediately. Eye contact feels intrusive.
I don't know how to start conversations. Really. I have interests that I feel are kind of bizarre, and I don't know when or if I can ever bring them up. Aside from the basic "what's up, how are you?" set of questions, I lack conversational creativity.
But sometimes I have good ideas. But growing up among adults where my opinion was often ridiculed/deemed less important, I second-guess the worth of what I have to say before I say it. And then I usually don't say it.
I don't like initiating anything.
So yeah.
It's not you, it's me.
But I will make you feel like it's you.
I was an only child raised in a household of all adults... I grew up fast. I learned to read quickly, learned to write quickly, and learned to do both well. My mother had friends, but only a few close, single women, usually with no kids of their own. My mom is by no means as quiet and reserved as I am, and I'm used to her speaking for me or helping me in social situations. I had no cousins until 5 years ago, and no family members around my age that I saw on a regular basis. I had friends, but there were few and I rarely "hung out" with other kids until middle school [there were neighborhood kids, but they were all younger]. Instead of cultivating friendships or doing extracurricular activities, most of my childhood was spent indoors or on this block of Elgin. My hobbies included reading, rock collecting, reading, stamp collecting, and making things. Throughout high school, I stuck with a few close friends, and never really felt the need to be more social than that [all of my friends are more outgoing than I am].
Supporting factoids:
Sometimes I turn down invitations to go out or go to parties simply because I do not feel like leaving the house/room.
I enjoy the company of friends, but I require a generous amount of time to recharge in solitude.
Similarly, I do not have the energy to cultivate/maintain healthy/regular friendships. I end up feeling like I'm spreading myself too thin.
Sometimes I am actively thinking, which prevents me from talking [or relevantly contributing to conversation]. But the rest of the time...
I am just being. Not thinking. Just conscious, with nothing else. So I have nothing to say.
I read people very well, and call them out on bullshit stories without much hesitation.
I also overanalyse actions and syntax, causing me to make unfair decisions, sometimes.
Because I am so critical, I assume everyone else is, which I guess is why I'm so shy when I meet people.
Eye contact makes me uncomfortable. Once eye contact is made between two people, the first one to look away is unofficially the weakest. At least that's how it is in the animal world. I avoid eye contact from the start, so I basically forfeit and admit defeat immediately. Eye contact feels intrusive.
I don't know how to start conversations. Really. I have interests that I feel are kind of bizarre, and I don't know when or if I can ever bring them up. Aside from the basic "what's up, how are you?" set of questions, I lack conversational creativity.
But sometimes I have good ideas. But growing up among adults where my opinion was often ridiculed/deemed less important, I second-guess the worth of what I have to say before I say it. And then I usually don't say it.
I don't like initiating anything.
So yeah.
It's not you, it's me.
But I will make you feel like it's you.