four.

[moleyneux]

title: passport of indiscretions
type: original story
rating: mild r for suggestive content
notes: this is my first story with original characters so I need feedback. It's not a very well worked out piece (it's more of a sketch than anything else,I suppose) but I'd like to know if you think it has potential or not. Also, it isnt for those who shy away

Comments

[aragons]

Okay. First off, I absolutely do agree with you, this is more of a sketch than a finished piece. I feel very much that this is the bare bones of the story, that there's still a lot left to be told of Lydia and Sam. But you know that so dwelling on it seems a tad pointless.

I really, really like your sense of rhythm, you construct sentences that sound lovely. Your turn of phrase is lovely. I think the story of Sam and Lydia is something well worth exploring to the full because quasi-incest is always interesting and not only that, but their dynamic is very interesting. I loved that the expectation is that it's Lydia that holds the power to hurt in that relationship and yet it's Sam's past that ends it. (Also, I'd be really interested in reading more about Grace funnily enough. I feel like that could be worth expanding, but probably in a companion piece rather than integrating it into one on Sam & Lydia.)

I like the details about Lydia in the opening, I think they establish who she will become really well. I think the following section on her singing might need to be expanded, as might the fact that singing becomes her career - I would make that a little bit more obvious because I think it's too big a part of Lydia as a character to hang around as mere backstory. Perhaps talk about her first paid public performance? Is she part of a touring company, hence her appearances all over Europe? There’s evidence of that being the case but I think you touched just a little too lightly on it.

I have to say, my favourite section is the one about Allemande. I really, really love this little bit of characterisation you've given us here, and how it reflects on Lydia and her mother. As I said, I really liked it, there’s a lot of potential in there that just needs to be expanded on.

[moleyneux]

Darling, thank you!

It is absolutely a draft- it is me dipping my toe into the unchartered waters of original fiction.

That being said- I would love to expand on this. Not in one go- I think Sam and Allemande's relationship needs to be explore, Grace and Allemande and of course, Lyidia and her singing.But of course- knowing that someone would be interested in reading those things- that is what absolutely made my day and sort of gave me the courage to persevere.

Thank you!