(no subject)
I'm cleaning out my room, throwing basically everything away. I haven't spent much time in there since middle school really, I slept on a broken down old couch in my basement all through high school. That along with pretty much everything else that made my basement my basement has since been thrown away. But yeah, a few days ago my bed was taken out of my room to be replaced with a couch bed from my recently deceased grandfather's apartment in md. As I go through my room I find flyers from shows I went to a long long time ago, mix tapes I spent hours making from CDs and Vinyls when I was in middle school, records from shows I set up years ago where every band on them has since disbanded, demos local bands have given me that I never took the time to listen to, pictures of my friends and me in elementary school at birthday parties and the zoo. I looked at one where it was me and few other kids. Two of them moved before 4th grade and I haven't spoken to them since, one of them is dead, and I don't know who the other kid is. I've always been a bit of a packrat refusing to throw away anything, but I'm moving out in a week or two and I don't think once I do that this place will ever feel like my home again. I've lived here my whole life, it's a really weird feeling throwing out so many memories. Throwing away momentos from periods in my life my parents would write off as just being a "phase". Materialistic belongings have never been a huge need of mine, but I used to get slightly sentimental about certain things from my childhood. I'm not anymore. All disillusionment is gone, only a handful of the kids I grew up with are my actual friends now. I look back and recall doing random dares people would give me and show up anywhere I heard people were hanging out to try to get in on it hoping I'd fit in with the other kids there. I never really did.
In 7th grade when my best friend turned his back on me because of how I dressed and what music I listened to I realized I don't need anyone to affirm anything I beleive in ever. I became embittered and lashed out at anyone who would try to talk to me. Most of the time I just wouldn't even talk to anyone. Middle school is an awkward time for everyone. The class system of our society in it's rawest form is displayed as an alogory in the halls of every middle school across our nation. You have the ruling elite who everyone secretly dispises and wishes to be a part of at the same time. Right below them you have their pinch hitters, the kids who follow them around everywhere doing exactly as they do hoping to rise in the ranks. Then you have the kids who are beneath it all, the hated, the despised, the in-essence disenfranchised. I was of the latter and never felt any desire to rise to the ranks of the elite, I wanted to bring them down. I've always had this chip on my shoulder, a personal vendetta against people and things that everyone else loves.
It was around that time that I started getting into the pattern of beleifs that I still hold today. Everyday since I've had one or more people, the news, teachers, friends, whoever else, tell me that what I beleive is inherently false and wrong. My advocates lay between the pages of great books, echoed in lyrics of bands I wasn't allowed to see, and more. I've built this wall around myself blocking out everything about our culture that disgusts me and everyone who embraces it. I am not unique, I am not special, I am not a leader, nor am I a follower, but I am a part of something noble and important. I'm sure there are others amoung us who feel as I do but never come fourth and talk about it. I can't possibly be the only one who feels like vomitting the moment I walk into a shopping mall. I can't possibly be the only one who feels outrage when I see roadways packed with cars with only drivers in them while our public transportation runs near empty. I am not the only one who is disgusted by the impoverished not getting medical care when they need it because they cant afford it, I am not the only who sees the lunacy in considering a lawsuit over your child being injured before figuring out which hospital to take him or her to. There are values every living being has hardwired into them, I refuse to beleive that this world around us has blurred our conscious so much that we write off the assemblage of these values as an evil negating our plutocratic society. I want to open the eyes of everyone in the world and make them see things the way I do. To me this is not a matter of debate with room for compromise and discourse, It is a matter of right and wrong.
We are told lies everyday by our friends, parents, and people from every other walk of life around us. These people aren't immoral or pathelogical liars, they honestly beleive the bullshit they feed us. They cause many of us to beleive it too and therin perpetuate the lies. These lies have been going on for generations and all we need to do to stop them is become unsentimental and unafraid to destroy this culture that we hate.
In 7th grade when my best friend turned his back on me because of how I dressed and what music I listened to I realized I don't need anyone to affirm anything I beleive in ever. I became embittered and lashed out at anyone who would try to talk to me. Most of the time I just wouldn't even talk to anyone. Middle school is an awkward time for everyone. The class system of our society in it's rawest form is displayed as an alogory in the halls of every middle school across our nation. You have the ruling elite who everyone secretly dispises and wishes to be a part of at the same time. Right below them you have their pinch hitters, the kids who follow them around everywhere doing exactly as they do hoping to rise in the ranks. Then you have the kids who are beneath it all, the hated, the despised, the in-essence disenfranchised. I was of the latter and never felt any desire to rise to the ranks of the elite, I wanted to bring them down. I've always had this chip on my shoulder, a personal vendetta against people and things that everyone else loves.
It was around that time that I started getting into the pattern of beleifs that I still hold today. Everyday since I've had one or more people, the news, teachers, friends, whoever else, tell me that what I beleive is inherently false and wrong. My advocates lay between the pages of great books, echoed in lyrics of bands I wasn't allowed to see, and more. I've built this wall around myself blocking out everything about our culture that disgusts me and everyone who embraces it. I am not unique, I am not special, I am not a leader, nor am I a follower, but I am a part of something noble and important. I'm sure there are others amoung us who feel as I do but never come fourth and talk about it. I can't possibly be the only one who feels like vomitting the moment I walk into a shopping mall. I can't possibly be the only one who feels outrage when I see roadways packed with cars with only drivers in them while our public transportation runs near empty. I am not the only one who is disgusted by the impoverished not getting medical care when they need it because they cant afford it, I am not the only who sees the lunacy in considering a lawsuit over your child being injured before figuring out which hospital to take him or her to. There are values every living being has hardwired into them, I refuse to beleive that this world around us has blurred our conscious so much that we write off the assemblage of these values as an evil negating our plutocratic society. I want to open the eyes of everyone in the world and make them see things the way I do. To me this is not a matter of debate with room for compromise and discourse, It is a matter of right and wrong.
We are told lies everyday by our friends, parents, and people from every other walk of life around us. These people aren't immoral or pathelogical liars, they honestly beleive the bullshit they feed us. They cause many of us to beleive it too and therin perpetuate the lies. These lies have been going on for generations and all we need to do to stop them is become unsentimental and unafraid to destroy this culture that we hate.