The Baron has always been a charmer. He uses hypnotic gas and nerve induction to charm.
This story starts a while ago. Also, it's not so much a story anymore as it is a complete whiny bitchfest. Sorry!
David has an older brother. He is 48 and he is an idiot. After getting a divorce in January of 2008, he decided to go to South Korea and teach English. Great, gtfo kthnxbai was the general reaction. Fast forward to September of this year, when his idiocy caused some bullshit, and he decided to have an affair with the mother of one of his students. To his complete shock, he was found out and S. Korea basically said to get out.
So he calls David, who is the mature, responsible one, and bends his ear about how woeful and sad it is he has no place to go (didn't save any of his money, see), no job to come back to (because he has no skill sets of note to offer), he wishes the ex-wife would move out of their old place so he could move back here (because Monmouth Street is the ONLY place in America he can live at. There is actually an exception to this rule, but that comes a bit later), and that he feels like he's lost himself after not speaking English in so long (it's South Korea, what the fuck did you think they were going to speak there?)
So David, probably knowing deep in his heart he was going to regret this decision, caves in to Philip's not-very-discreet hints, and offers to let him stay here for 2 weeks when he comes back. Of course I was screaming the background because we all knew where this was going to go.
Well, he's been here since Halloween night, and the crap has just been building up. Here are some starters from the journal we're keeping, lovingly named the Book of the Damned. This is week one.
+ He lands on 10/31 @ 11pm, but doesn't call or anything until about 1am, meaning mum had to stay up to let him up in case he arrived and rang the doorbell. He asks for David, who is not home because he was working until 2am and TOLD HIM in 4 different emails in the past week. He claims he can’t find a taxi. We doubt he is actually at an airport if this is the case.
+ 11/01, Come home from work and freeze at the door to the bathroom. There is hair everywhere. On the white floor, the white sink, the white bathtub rim. There are balls of it. Like he grabbed handfuls of his hair and scattered it on purpose throughout the room. He claims he didn’t see it because he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He wasn’t wearing his glasses because it names him look nerdy. You’ve got your ass parked in my living room, who the fuck is going to see you, dick?! Oh, the toilet seat is up.
+ 11/02, I awake to David yelling at him again. I deduce from the conversation that Phil went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and apparently missed and pissed on the floor. He yells back “what, you never had a little sprinkle when you’re tired and it’s 3 in the morning?” To which David yells back, in his glorious South Boston accent “NO, because I turn on the fucking light, and I’m also not fucking retarded, man!” I lol and call mum to tell her about it.
+ 11/03, Second round of food shopping with mum, because the new adopted teenager has a bottomless pit for a stomach. We also pick up other home necessities needed for the same reason. Upon our return, he smiles and happily comments “More shopping? Wow, that’s really your favorite past time, yeah?” I want to destroy him. Instead, I horde the best food and snacks in my room.
+ 11/03, evening, David finds out $30 of shows have been purchased OnDemand. Phil claims it wasn’t him. After that was shot down, claims it was an accident. David reams him once more and I again wish there was a voice recorder handy to memorialize these conversations. “Phil, I’m not going to get a $300 cable bill because you’re not fucking paying attention! Don’t give me that, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t my kid, and it wasn’t my wife - it was you. I showed you yesterday how to use the fucking thing, what is your fucking problem?! Etc etc”
This is the onDemand that makes you go through like 6 different screens in order to buy a show. From ‘would you like to purchase this show?’ to ‘are you REALLY sure that’s what you want?’ to ‘seriously? This is the biggest decision of your life, are you certain you want to forever part with your $4.99 for the purchase of this television program?’
+ 11/04, Phil didn’t flush. And apparently farted up and down the hallway. I wonder how he was ever married, then barricade myself in my room and play Okami all day while eating Nilla wafers.
+ 11/05, He talks in his sleep. Sorta. He yells in his sleep. It’s really irritating, especially after seeing Paranormal Activity. We find out he will be staying with us a bit longer. No one is pleased. Especially David, haha.
+ 11/06, He was parading around in his boxers and goes “oh, sorry!” after he sees I’m awake. How is that acceptable at any time in someone else’s home? It’s not. If anyone’s gonna be strutting about in their skivvies, it’s going to be someone who lives here. Can't wait to see what awaits at home when work is over!
*screams*
David has an older brother. He is 48 and he is an idiot. After getting a divorce in January of 2008, he decided to go to South Korea and teach English. Great, gtfo kthnxbai was the general reaction. Fast forward to September of this year, when his idiocy caused some bullshit, and he decided to have an affair with the mother of one of his students. To his complete shock, he was found out and S. Korea basically said to get out.
So he calls David, who is the mature, responsible one, and bends his ear about how woeful and sad it is he has no place to go (didn't save any of his money, see), no job to come back to (because he has no skill sets of note to offer), he wishes the ex-wife would move out of their old place so he could move back here (because Monmouth Street is the ONLY place in America he can live at. There is actually an exception to this rule, but that comes a bit later), and that he feels like he's lost himself after not speaking English in so long (it's South Korea, what the fuck did you think they were going to speak there?)
So David, probably knowing deep in his heart he was going to regret this decision, caves in to Philip's not-very-discreet hints, and offers to let him stay here for 2 weeks when he comes back. Of course I was screaming the background because we all knew where this was going to go.
Well, he's been here since Halloween night, and the crap has just been building up. Here are some starters from the journal we're keeping, lovingly named the Book of the Damned. This is week one.
+ He lands on 10/31 @ 11pm, but doesn't call or anything until about 1am, meaning mum had to stay up to let him up in case he arrived and rang the doorbell. He asks for David, who is not home because he was working until 2am and TOLD HIM in 4 different emails in the past week. He claims he can’t find a taxi. We doubt he is actually at an airport if this is the case.
+ 11/01, Come home from work and freeze at the door to the bathroom. There is hair everywhere. On the white floor, the white sink, the white bathtub rim. There are balls of it. Like he grabbed handfuls of his hair and scattered it on purpose throughout the room. He claims he didn’t see it because he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He wasn’t wearing his glasses because it names him look nerdy. You’ve got your ass parked in my living room, who the fuck is going to see you, dick?! Oh, the toilet seat is up.
+ 11/02, I awake to David yelling at him again. I deduce from the conversation that Phil went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and apparently missed and pissed on the floor. He yells back “what, you never had a little sprinkle when you’re tired and it’s 3 in the morning?” To which David yells back, in his glorious South Boston accent “NO, because I turn on the fucking light, and I’m also not fucking retarded, man!” I lol and call mum to tell her about it.
+ 11/03, Second round of food shopping with mum, because the new adopted teenager has a bottomless pit for a stomach. We also pick up other home necessities needed for the same reason. Upon our return, he smiles and happily comments “More shopping? Wow, that’s really your favorite past time, yeah?” I want to destroy him. Instead, I horde the best food and snacks in my room.
+ 11/03, evening, David finds out $30 of shows have been purchased OnDemand. Phil claims it wasn’t him. After that was shot down, claims it was an accident. David reams him once more and I again wish there was a voice recorder handy to memorialize these conversations. “Phil, I’m not going to get a $300 cable bill because you’re not fucking paying attention! Don’t give me that, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t my kid, and it wasn’t my wife - it was you. I showed you yesterday how to use the fucking thing, what is your fucking problem?! Etc etc”
This is the onDemand that makes you go through like 6 different screens in order to buy a show. From ‘would you like to purchase this show?’ to ‘are you REALLY sure that’s what you want?’ to ‘seriously? This is the biggest decision of your life, are you certain you want to forever part with your $4.99 for the purchase of this television program?’
+ 11/04, Phil didn’t flush. And apparently farted up and down the hallway. I wonder how he was ever married, then barricade myself in my room and play Okami all day while eating Nilla wafers.
+ 11/05, He talks in his sleep. Sorta. He yells in his sleep. It’s really irritating, especially after seeing Paranormal Activity. We find out he will be staying with us a bit longer. No one is pleased. Especially David, haha.
+ 11/06, He was parading around in his boxers and goes “oh, sorry!” after he sees I’m awake. How is that acceptable at any time in someone else’s home? It’s not. If anyone’s gonna be strutting about in their skivvies, it’s going to be someone who lives here. Can't wait to see what awaits at home when work is over!
*screams*