Hate and Love and Death and God
The other night my mom slept in my bedroom, in my bed, and i slept on the floor. It felt like the end of the world. I wished a tidal wave would come and sweep everything away. Sometimes it feels impossible to keep going on, and you want to start clean and fresh, from nothing. It is so hard to deal with certain things. I know my dad is not well, but continuous shouting, sometimes from out of the blue -- it is just too much to bear. And i hated him.
So last night i finally thought, this is it. I'm not going anywhere. Might as well die. I thought of the helipad tower on Sta. Lucia East, where i and Esther and her friends hung out one time. Theres' no railing there. Two steps and you're dancing in mid-air, dancing, floating, flying... until finally gravity kills you. It would be quick and easy.
But the truth is, i didn't want to die. Yes, i was afraid, but more than that, i didn't want to hurt my mom. I knew she would suffer horribly if i died that way -- or any way, really, if i went before she did. At the same time i knew a part of me was sunk in despair enough do it, and i feared that part of myself, feared losing control of it.
I couldn't sleep. I got up and started scribbling in my journal. I wrote about my pain, but halfway down the page my entry turned into a prayer. I cried out desperately for an end to this pain, an end to the hate and despair. Then i went downstairs and lay down on the living room sofa. It was very dark. The night seemed like a living thing pressing close all around me.
Slowly a feeling of contentment washed over me. And i remembered something -- my dad, when i was very young, singing a lullaby to me. "Hush-a-bye baby, don't say a word, papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird," he sang. "And if that mockingbird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring." I remembered, and i knew that in spite of everything, in spite of his rarely being there for me, in spite of all our fighting... i knew that my dad loved me and that i loved him too. And i was surprised and heartened by the realization.
And gradually i became overcome by an immense feeling of love. It permeated my body, leaking out from every pore, and all anger and hatred was dissolved in it, into nothing. I even thought of Jourdan and how much i hated him, how he had made me suffer, and somehow, i couldn't help but love him too. I didn't want to, but more than that i didn't want to hold on to my hate... and so the hate spun away into the darkness, and i was able to feel love for the man who had so hurt me. In fact, i felt love for everyone, absolute love, and that's when i realized it wasn't coming from me, it was all God's love. For some reason, i don't know why, he filled me to overflowing with love that night. More love than i would ever truly deserve. And i felt clean and fresh. Like i was starting again, from nothing. And i knew i would be able to get through the days, bear the tribulations at home, maybe even help make things better.
Right now, i can tell you truly that i love all of you. The love doesn't come from me, but i am giving it away to all. To you, Esther, for caring about me. To you, Amaya, for being lovely and fun and a fine friend. To you, Bianca, for your kindness and open arms. To you, Leslie, my crazy sister, wherever you are, i wish you could miraculously read this. To you, Wendy, so far away and soon celebrating a birthday. To you, Mich, i guess i've been angry at you for getting me fired, but i forgive you and i love you too. And to you, Tin, miss lucia geisha, well... nothing i say will change how you see me, but for what it's worth, i harbor no bitterness, and i do now finally wish you happiness.
To you, JD and Leica and Toni and Lui and Mish.
And there's more of you, of course... This is all for now. I don't know how long this will last. I feel like i'm living in a mirage, and in any moment it could melt away to leave only searing sands. But for now, i am touching heaven. Don't believe what people say, it's not a place in the sky. It's here right now, and it could be anywhere and anytime, if you are invited. And i think that, somehow, we all are.
So last night i finally thought, this is it. I'm not going anywhere. Might as well die. I thought of the helipad tower on Sta. Lucia East, where i and Esther and her friends hung out one time. Theres' no railing there. Two steps and you're dancing in mid-air, dancing, floating, flying... until finally gravity kills you. It would be quick and easy.
But the truth is, i didn't want to die. Yes, i was afraid, but more than that, i didn't want to hurt my mom. I knew she would suffer horribly if i died that way -- or any way, really, if i went before she did. At the same time i knew a part of me was sunk in despair enough do it, and i feared that part of myself, feared losing control of it.
I couldn't sleep. I got up and started scribbling in my journal. I wrote about my pain, but halfway down the page my entry turned into a prayer. I cried out desperately for an end to this pain, an end to the hate and despair. Then i went downstairs and lay down on the living room sofa. It was very dark. The night seemed like a living thing pressing close all around me.
Slowly a feeling of contentment washed over me. And i remembered something -- my dad, when i was very young, singing a lullaby to me. "Hush-a-bye baby, don't say a word, papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird," he sang. "And if that mockingbird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring." I remembered, and i knew that in spite of everything, in spite of his rarely being there for me, in spite of all our fighting... i knew that my dad loved me and that i loved him too. And i was surprised and heartened by the realization.
And gradually i became overcome by an immense feeling of love. It permeated my body, leaking out from every pore, and all anger and hatred was dissolved in it, into nothing. I even thought of Jourdan and how much i hated him, how he had made me suffer, and somehow, i couldn't help but love him too. I didn't want to, but more than that i didn't want to hold on to my hate... and so the hate spun away into the darkness, and i was able to feel love for the man who had so hurt me. In fact, i felt love for everyone, absolute love, and that's when i realized it wasn't coming from me, it was all God's love. For some reason, i don't know why, he filled me to overflowing with love that night. More love than i would ever truly deserve. And i felt clean and fresh. Like i was starting again, from nothing. And i knew i would be able to get through the days, bear the tribulations at home, maybe even help make things better.
Right now, i can tell you truly that i love all of you. The love doesn't come from me, but i am giving it away to all. To you, Esther, for caring about me. To you, Amaya, for being lovely and fun and a fine friend. To you, Bianca, for your kindness and open arms. To you, Leslie, my crazy sister, wherever you are, i wish you could miraculously read this. To you, Wendy, so far away and soon celebrating a birthday. To you, Mich, i guess i've been angry at you for getting me fired, but i forgive you and i love you too. And to you, Tin, miss lucia geisha, well... nothing i say will change how you see me, but for what it's worth, i harbor no bitterness, and i do now finally wish you happiness.
To you, JD and Leica and Toni and Lui and Mish.
And there's more of you, of course... This is all for now. I don't know how long this will last. I feel like i'm living in a mirage, and in any moment it could melt away to leave only searing sands. But for now, i am touching heaven. Don't believe what people say, it's not a place in the sky. It's here right now, and it could be anywhere and anytime, if you are invited. And i think that, somehow, we all are.