Conversation is Nice
:::Sigh:: On a semi-different note, I really miss Denisse. This thought hits me everyone in a while, especially when crap like the above is going on. With Denisse I don't think I have ever just been upset and not let her know what was going on. I have always been pretty straight forward with her, I guess we have just really gotten out of the "high school" b.s. Its nice talking to her when she comes down, I get to vent-so does she, it works out well. I love it when she is here, I always have so much fun with her, she really brings out the more wild side of me, always has. She also brings out the insecure side of me. I get around her and I feel so ugly sometimes, a majority of that comes from being invisible during most social situations with her. When I was single (err..uh... more single?) this was always a problem. I hated the way I looked next to her, and I so desperately wanted to be noticed, acknowledged, when I was with her. Even now, at a point when I am not looking for a relationship, I still feel so insignificant, in shadows next to her light. This is such an odd thing to feel. She hates the attention for the most part it seems, usually because it is directed at her well-endowed areas, but at least she isn't invisible.
And this insignificant feeling I have doesn't just come at Dedo's when I am with Denisse. No, it comes often. Seems sometimes as though people simply forget I exist. I am a ghost in my classes, an entity at work. I get really lonely now and again, partly because I miss my best friend, and partly because...well just because. School has been very hard when it comes to this. Each year I try to be confident, friendly, each year, by about a month in, I have my headphones on, quietly trying to drown out my emptiness with music. I used to have Rosie, Now she has Kiki, I know friends with privileges get seniority over just friends. I though I had the girls at Intervarsity, I am not so sure now. There is Desiree, from dance, we chat, sorta. She is beautiful, too, even reminds me of Denisse a bit. I thought Franco was my friend, and maybe he is an aquaintance, as long as it is cool to his friends for me to be so. Work is just as frustrating. Everyone has their special buddy, Most times I am so invisible that they will bad mouth Jeff for several minutes before they remember I am within earshot.
I am terrified at what is going to happen when Denisse actually does move. Even if she and James don't stay together, she was never meant to stay in such a little town. Her wings are too big for that cage. When she is more than four hours away I will see so little of her, and then we really wont talk very often. I like the fact that I can vent with her, (especially about things with James, females so need other females sometimes). And have her just listen. I like the fact that our problems are far apart, and don't involve either of us being sandwiched between the other and another person. That nonjudgmental, uncolored view of the other's problems is nice. Conversation that doesn't include yelling is nice. Conversation involving a world beyond El Paso, and the group is nice. Conversation is nice.
And this insignificant feeling I have doesn't just come at Dedo's when I am with Denisse. No, it comes often. Seems sometimes as though people simply forget I exist. I am a ghost in my classes, an entity at work. I get really lonely now and again, partly because I miss my best friend, and partly because...well just because. School has been very hard when it comes to this. Each year I try to be confident, friendly, each year, by about a month in, I have my headphones on, quietly trying to drown out my emptiness with music. I used to have Rosie, Now she has Kiki, I know friends with privileges get seniority over just friends. I though I had the girls at Intervarsity, I am not so sure now. There is Desiree, from dance, we chat, sorta. She is beautiful, too, even reminds me of Denisse a bit. I thought Franco was my friend, and maybe he is an aquaintance, as long as it is cool to his friends for me to be so. Work is just as frustrating. Everyone has their special buddy, Most times I am so invisible that they will bad mouth Jeff for several minutes before they remember I am within earshot.
I am terrified at what is going to happen when Denisse actually does move. Even if she and James don't stay together, she was never meant to stay in such a little town. Her wings are too big for that cage. When she is more than four hours away I will see so little of her, and then we really wont talk very often. I like the fact that I can vent with her, (especially about things with James, females so need other females sometimes). And have her just listen. I like the fact that our problems are far apart, and don't involve either of us being sandwiched between the other and another person. That nonjudgmental, uncolored view of the other's problems is nice. Conversation that doesn't include yelling is nice. Conversation involving a world beyond El Paso, and the group is nice. Conversation is nice.