Under My Skin
The dream always starts the same. *A phone call, a run in with "her."* Always the same. *There is an uneasiness about the interaction.* Bitterness makes a loyal friend. *Then hesitatingly she invites me over, for Skyver's birthday, or because Skyver misses me. We go over, both James and I, the tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife. We embrace each other, unsure of how this is supposed to work. She rolls her eyes and I whisper in her ear that I hate her for hating me. We play the part of old enemies pretending to be acquanitances pretending to be friends. Smiles are hard forced, and laughs don't come, but there is a comfort in her presence.* ALways the same, the same words, the same embrace, the same bitterness.
It's a reoccuring dream that I have been having lately. Every other night almost.
I guess I miss Mel. She was my best friend for 7 some odd years, and now over stupid angry words, a friendship that I always thought was rather strong is gone. I wonder if Amanda felt the way I do now when her and Angel quit being friends. Did she let it go easily? Did the bitterness, and the hurt reach deep and make her miss her friend? I don't know. I am not Amanda, as much as I wish I was in situations like this. I'm sure in time my memories will fade. The name will only bring about the vaguest hint of a memory, but nothing more. But I am not sure that is what I really want. I always wanted Mel to be there for my wedding, I always wanted to be there for her when Skyver graduates Kinder,and High School.
I guess my dreams have manifested due to her finally being really gone. She moved out of the apt this last weekend, and I havent heard from her since I wrote her that email about what real friends should be. SHe lives in some unknown place, probably on the other side of town due to her friends all living over there, which means I wont see her agian untill several years from now. I remember when Kristi and the three of us, Mel, myself, and Rosie, quit talking to her. Now we pass each other in the halls and dont even exchange a passing glance, and I guess thats ok, we werent friends very long anyway, but with Mel its different. Or at least it should be. ANd all of this sounds really whiny, i realize that my angels, epecially when my other entries are filled with bitterness and anger (spawned from hurt over the loss of my friend), but this SUCKS! ANd whats worse is that it won't change. Even if we become friends agian, it wont be the same. You can never go back to what you were in the beginning, not after anger filled words have left scars on the heart of the accused. I tried telling melody in my last email to her that i was still her friend, willing to forget the past, and move forward, I tried telling her that i was sorry, and that she could still come to me when she needed or wanted to. But it doesnt matter, she doesnt need me anymore, she hasnt needed me as a friend for a long time. Basically since she moved to Hawaii. And now that she is older she has better friends, that care for her more, or who are there more.
Ricky, Rachel, Esther,Andrew: congrats, you have a wonderful friend. I know. Treasure her, I didn't and now I have lost someone who meant the world to me, even though I never really showed it.
"I can't go back, I must go on." ~Plumb "Damaged"
It's a reoccuring dream that I have been having lately. Every other night almost.
I guess I miss Mel. She was my best friend for 7 some odd years, and now over stupid angry words, a friendship that I always thought was rather strong is gone. I wonder if Amanda felt the way I do now when her and Angel quit being friends. Did she let it go easily? Did the bitterness, and the hurt reach deep and make her miss her friend? I don't know. I am not Amanda, as much as I wish I was in situations like this. I'm sure in time my memories will fade. The name will only bring about the vaguest hint of a memory, but nothing more. But I am not sure that is what I really want. I always wanted Mel to be there for my wedding, I always wanted to be there for her when Skyver graduates Kinder,and High School.
I guess my dreams have manifested due to her finally being really gone. She moved out of the apt this last weekend, and I havent heard from her since I wrote her that email about what real friends should be. SHe lives in some unknown place, probably on the other side of town due to her friends all living over there, which means I wont see her agian untill several years from now. I remember when Kristi and the three of us, Mel, myself, and Rosie, quit talking to her. Now we pass each other in the halls and dont even exchange a passing glance, and I guess thats ok, we werent friends very long anyway, but with Mel its different. Or at least it should be. ANd all of this sounds really whiny, i realize that my angels, epecially when my other entries are filled with bitterness and anger (spawned from hurt over the loss of my friend), but this SUCKS! ANd whats worse is that it won't change. Even if we become friends agian, it wont be the same. You can never go back to what you were in the beginning, not after anger filled words have left scars on the heart of the accused. I tried telling melody in my last email to her that i was still her friend, willing to forget the past, and move forward, I tried telling her that i was sorry, and that she could still come to me when she needed or wanted to. But it doesnt matter, she doesnt need me anymore, she hasnt needed me as a friend for a long time. Basically since she moved to Hawaii. And now that she is older she has better friends, that care for her more, or who are there more.
Ricky, Rachel, Esther,Andrew: congrats, you have a wonderful friend. I know. Treasure her, I didn't and now I have lost someone who meant the world to me, even though I never really showed it.
"I can't go back, I must go on." ~Plumb "Damaged"