On-your-face humor
I must confess that I gasped out loud when I heard that Gotham Books backed out of the deal they had made to publish Dustin (Screech) Diamond's trashy tell-all autobiography "Behind the Bell" several months ago. But before I could even follow that gasp with a sigh of disappointment the book was unleashed, and now it sits before me in its extreme non-glory.
At least once on each of this book's 311 pages, Dustin Diamond makes it clear that he's bitter. Bitter about not being able to live a normal childhood. Bitter about being ostracized by his castmates. Bitter about his father sqaundering away the money he made from "Saved by the Bell." And, most of all, bitter about not being taken seriously as an actor. There once was a time when he disguised this bitterness in the form of self-depravation. But a person can only laugh at himself along with (literally) the rest of the world for so long before it starts to make him snap, and it wasn't hard to see that he was always on the verge of doing so.
The biggest selling point of "Behind the Bell" is that it reveals dirty secrets of his fellow teen actors from "Saved by the Bell" that they never wanted anyone to know. Whether or not these secrets are true remains debatable. Even the folks at Gotham Books weren't so sure, hence their decision to leave Dustin on his own with his sordid memoirs. But if you choose to believe him, then this is what he has to say about the other members of the Bayside Six:
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack): A bleached blonde case of roid rage and a "douche" (I guess it really does take one to know one).
Mario Lopez (Slater): A rapist with plastic pecs.
Tiffani Amber Thiessen (Kelly): A whore and a pothead.
Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie): Also a whore (usually left with the female equivalent of Tiffani Amber's sloppy seconds) and an awful actress.
Lark Voorhies (Lisa): An aloof Jehovah's Witness whose behavior and temperament are similar to those of an abused animal.
And while not an official Bayside Six member, Tori Spelling (who played the recurring role of Violet) gets slammed too for being a boy-crazy nymphomaniac with "negative boobs."
Also of note is that series creator Peter Engel and Ed Alonzo (who played Max, the magician/owner of "The Max") are both vaguely accused of being statutory rapists, the latter supposedly being responsible for Neil Patrick Harris' affinity for cock.
Going back to Elizabeth Berkley, I'd like to point out something Dustin wrote that made me officially call bullshit. He mentions several times how the release of "Showgirls" not only destroyed her career but how it also made things very awkward on the set of the show. He even cites the movie's release as what prompted her to leave the series. But considering the last episode Elizabeth filmed was completed in 1992, and "Showgirls" premiered in the fall of 1995, how is it possible that the film's release could have caused friction on the set, or that it could have led to her quitting the show when she had been gone for three whole years? By that time, the show was in its "New Class" mode, and the only original cast members still stuck in its damning clutches were Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding) and Dustin himself.
This left me with no other choice but to discredit the author as someone who was clearly so engrossed in the rush that comes with dishing out dirt on those whom he hates that he could not be bothered to keep his stories straight. Therefore, how am I supposed to believe anything mentioned above or anywhere else in this nauseatingly tragic tale? How can I do as Dustin Diamond says and "Trust the Dust?" (I shit you not--he actually incorporates that phrase into the book). "Behind the Bell" is full of stories with holes so big even Dustin's alleged (by no one but himself) well-endowed penis couldn't fill them.
To those with weak stomachs who are considering curling up in bed with this book, I should probably mention that there are three whole chapters devoted to Dustin's sex life titled "GETTING LAID AT DISNEYLAND," "SCREECH IS A BORN COUGAR HUNTER" and "MAKING THE GIRLS 'SCREECH.'" If you thought the sex tape he made several years ago was sickening, just wait until you read about his lustful escapades in writing.
Another claim Dustin makes is that his stint as the antagonist on "Celebrity Fit Club" was all staged, including the tense confrontation between himself and Sgt. Harvey Walden IV. But if he can't even remember when Elizabeth Berkley left "Saved by the Bell," who's to say he's not confusing filming that confrontation with filming the one Zack and Screech got into which left Zack with a ripped satin shirt?
One compliment I will give Dustin is that, while the idea of making a live-action "Scooby Doo" film may or may not have been his own, I do think he would have made a much better Shaggy than Matthew Lillard did.
There isn't much else I can say about the content of "Behind the Bell," but there is a very strong criticism I must make about its format. It doesn't seem as though Dustin or anyone at the publishing company he found at the last minute ever took the time to actually read through any of the pages before printing and releasing them. Not only is the book riddled with numerous spelling, spacing and grammatical errors, but there are two pages with paragraphs that end abruptly, continue where they left off in the next paragraph, then stop abruptly again only to start all over in yet another paragraph. It looks like somebody used the Copy & Paste function (as well as the ENTER button) rather carelessly.
Oh yes, and then there's that picture of Dustin on the cover. Double You. Tee. Eff.
In summary, "Behind the Bell" is a work of someone who has so little in the way of self-perception that his perception of others cannot be trusted. In other words, it's the diary of a pathetic child star turned pathetic madman. So the next time you're in a bookstore and see this on sale for 50% off or more (which will no doubt happen very soon), my advice is that you not take advantage of it even if you're thinking of giving it to someone as a gag gift. I guarantee that the recipient will not only gag, but also choke.