quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again
I write livejournal posts in my head while I bike around. About how much I love biking, about how lovely it is to bike through my neighborhood now that the leaves have come back in and the streets are green tunnels, how not only did I bike all through the winter for the first time but I can feel how much stronger I've gotten, how I call on my legs to get me up a hill that used to slay me, and they just do it: no pain, no slowing down, like I secretly got superpowers. I've never felt that before, except maybe from rowing. Such a lovely and unexpected thing to develop this more positive relationship with my body on the verge of turning 30, at the same time as a much less pleasant narrative with my body is also playing out.
Then I get home and have too much to do to ever sit down and actually write any of it out.
It's been one of the hardest years of my life. Coming back to school has been tougher than I ever imagined, and I've continued my downward spiral of handling stress less and less well, in the face of being blindly panicked at every second of every day about all the things I'm behind on, for months and months and months. And the nasty health news about my shiny new autoimmune disorder and all its complications, was just the icing on the misery cake. (Thank you all so much for your supportive comments and emails -- they really made a difference when I was feeling terrified and low. I had a really horrible month or so, both mentally and physically, but things have been slowly getting better. I have an amazing physical therapist. I've learned a lot about why I'm always feeling so stiff and sore -- which is apparently not just a normal way to feel in your late 20s, like I thought! -- and ways to manage it. My sports medicine doctor & physical therapist & ophthalmologist agree I can wait to start the serious treatment stuff until the end of the summer, so I can still go away for an internship. I'm going to try to find a new rheumatologist when I get back. It's still really scary when I think about it, and super frustrating to have to deal with every single day. But the difference in how I'm feeling about it now compared to February is enormous.)
But last week I finished the semester-long nightmare groupwork evaluation project. Last night I finished the fellowship research paper that's been hanging over me all year. I finally got a summer internship. Everything's falling away, one thing at a time. I never, ever felt like I'd get here.
I still have four finals to go -- ten more days in the pit -- and then -- and then! -- we're getting married! This month! I'm so happy and excited and astonished that it's so soon and worried about all the bits and pieces I haven't done yet but mostly I just can't wait. So especially excited to see all the amazing people coming in from out of town!
And then almost immediately afterward: I'm spending the summer in Indonesia, doing an amazing internship. I'm incredibly excited about the scope of work. I'm incredibly bummed about having to flee ~*~married life~*~ so quickly, and how lame and lonely I might get. It's just happened and it's all so huge I can't really think about it yet. One thing at a time.
I've been trying to figure out how to make next year different; this has been a ridiculous way to live, but the only way out was through. I had to fulfill my research fellowship conditions. I had to take the ball-busting required econ classes. I had to obsess over grades and extracurriculars because all my funding next year is dependent on them. (And there's a new program-wide grading curve, to make everything extra competitive!) I had to plan a wedding. Next year a lot of that will change, and I want to figure out how to set the boundaries that will mean I get my life back. I'm sorry, I know this is all so tedious to hear about (it's been tedious to live!). But I'm trying to be more deliberative about everything given this break in the clouds, in my ceaseless to do lists.
Tonight we had a study group at my house for my favorite class, the one where we get to talk about development theories and fascinating projects, and a bunch of my friends came over and we had my new fav pasta sauce and my go-to chocolate cake and laughed a lot with the doors open and the warm air coming in. That's what I want more of. Feeling okay in my own skin again. And maybe every once in a while having time to write an LJ post or two.
Then I get home and have too much to do to ever sit down and actually write any of it out.
It's been one of the hardest years of my life. Coming back to school has been tougher than I ever imagined, and I've continued my downward spiral of handling stress less and less well, in the face of being blindly panicked at every second of every day about all the things I'm behind on, for months and months and months. And the nasty health news about my shiny new autoimmune disorder and all its complications, was just the icing on the misery cake. (Thank you all so much for your supportive comments and emails -- they really made a difference when I was feeling terrified and low. I had a really horrible month or so, both mentally and physically, but things have been slowly getting better. I have an amazing physical therapist. I've learned a lot about why I'm always feeling so stiff and sore -- which is apparently not just a normal way to feel in your late 20s, like I thought! -- and ways to manage it. My sports medicine doctor & physical therapist & ophthalmologist agree I can wait to start the serious treatment stuff until the end of the summer, so I can still go away for an internship. I'm going to try to find a new rheumatologist when I get back. It's still really scary when I think about it, and super frustrating to have to deal with every single day. But the difference in how I'm feeling about it now compared to February is enormous.)
But last week I finished the semester-long nightmare groupwork evaluation project. Last night I finished the fellowship research paper that's been hanging over me all year. I finally got a summer internship. Everything's falling away, one thing at a time. I never, ever felt like I'd get here.
I still have four finals to go -- ten more days in the pit -- and then -- and then! -- we're getting married! This month! I'm so happy and excited and astonished that it's so soon and worried about all the bits and pieces I haven't done yet but mostly I just can't wait. So especially excited to see all the amazing people coming in from out of town!
And then almost immediately afterward: I'm spending the summer in Indonesia, doing an amazing internship. I'm incredibly excited about the scope of work. I'm incredibly bummed about having to flee ~*~married life~*~ so quickly, and how lame and lonely I might get. It's just happened and it's all so huge I can't really think about it yet. One thing at a time.
I've been trying to figure out how to make next year different; this has been a ridiculous way to live, but the only way out was through. I had to fulfill my research fellowship conditions. I had to take the ball-busting required econ classes. I had to obsess over grades and extracurriculars because all my funding next year is dependent on them. (And there's a new program-wide grading curve, to make everything extra competitive!) I had to plan a wedding. Next year a lot of that will change, and I want to figure out how to set the boundaries that will mean I get my life back. I'm sorry, I know this is all so tedious to hear about (it's been tedious to live!). But I'm trying to be more deliberative about everything given this break in the clouds, in my ceaseless to do lists.
Tonight we had a study group at my house for my favorite class, the one where we get to talk about development theories and fascinating projects, and a bunch of my friends came over and we had my new fav pasta sauce and my go-to chocolate cake and laughed a lot with the doors open and the warm air coming in. That's what I want more of. Feeling okay in my own skin again. And maybe every once in a while having time to write an LJ post or two.