Fic: Foot-In-Mouth
Idek. It's two in the morning. This took me all of about three minutes to write. I just don't even god damn know.
Title: Foot-In-Mouth
Pairing: 2Min, uhm... sort-of-friendship-but-sort-of-romantic KeyKwon? idk.
Rating: ....PG13. Just to be safe, I guess.
Summary: After an unexpected result, the SHINee boys find themselves in hysterics over poor Onew. All hell ensues when they wake one of the biggest divas in kpop from his beauty sleep...
Jinki stared helplessly at the red writing infront of him, tuning out Jonghyun's obnoxious, screeching laughter, Kibum's raving, Taemin's confusion and Minho's comforting.
"Bu- but I- I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE-" Key rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers infront of Jinki's face, perfectly manicured hand on hip.
"Shut up, Jinki! It's your fault this is happening! You and your god-damn Onew condition! Damn," He cried with a flourish of his hand towards the heavens. "You're drowning in your own awkward! Look atchu, boy!" Minho sat, calmly watching Kibum throw one of his widely feared (but absolutely epic) bitch fits. The fashionista's eyes were glowing red, eyelashes perfectly curled, fluttering over pale skin. His hair, normally (also) perfect, was in disarray, a birds nest on top of Umma's head.
Said diva span on his heel and pointed a finger at Jonghyun. "And you," He bagan, shutting the other up. "Can either shut up or have my fist so far into your mouth you're going to need a new jaw. Shut up, you're giving me a migraine, pabo." Kibum turned back to a now quivering Jinki. "I don't believe you! Oh my god, like, seriously, you couldn't just keep your mouth shut, could you?! You and that gob of yours are the precise reason I'm never going to be able to go out in public again! You're the precise reason I'm going to need a sex change, a new identity, new credit cards, new membership cards... Maybe, if I get lucky, I can join SNSD or 2NE1. Oohhh~ I'd get to go shopping with Taeyeon! OH MY GOD! YES!"
Kibum stopped for a breath, hands flying around with each rise and dip of his near hysteric voice. Jinki's face was paler than usual, any colour that he might've had drained away into his shoes. Well. Socks. Taemin and Minho glanced at eachother, slightly worried for their leader's health. When Kibum started, he didn't stop, and he'd tear through people, walls, vases, fans, stages, doors, management and furniture until he ran out of steam.
The last time this'd happened, they'd had to move because he'd torn the god damn apartment up!
Minho said nothing but nodded at Jonghyun who also nodded.
...
"Why am I nodding? I don't even know why I'm nodding. Should I be nodd-"
"JONGHYUN." Minho cried, surprising even the raging Kibum. "SHUT UP AND PRESS THE FUCKING BUTTON." Jonghyun flinched and uttered in a very small voice;
"Yes master!" before slamming his fist into the wall and effectively busting out the lights.
"KIM JONGHYUN I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU IF KIBUM DOESN'T DO SO FIRST, YOU IGNORANT, IDIOTIC, DORKISH, FREAKY, SOBBING, OLD,SHORT, WRINKL-"
"Hyung!" Taemin squeaked, burying himself in Jinki's shoulder. "Make the lights come on! I don't like the dark! I can't see anything!" Tears welled up in the young boy's eyes as he saw shadows chase after themselves on the walls, lights from outside the window playing tricks on his innocent mind. Kibum immediately straightened up and raced across to the maknae. "Shhh... Shhh... It's okay, honey, umma loves you, umma's gonna take care of you...." He cradled the youngest against his chest and swayed softly from side to side, calming the boy down. "Shhh... Umma's here, sweety, umma's here..."
Just as Taemin had calmed down, the front door to their shared apartment fell forward, hitting the floor with a clatter so loud, the entirety of the Han peninsula probaby heard it. Taemin screamed and ran away into the kitchen, putting a collander on his head and hiding behind the kitchen island with a wooden spoon in his hand. A figure loomed in the doorway, hair frazzled, fists clenched. "WHAT," It's voice boomed, unknown to all of the boys. "IS ALL THE GOD DAMN RACKET ABOUT?!" The thing stepped in and stomped it's way into the living room, eye twitching. "SOME OF US, LEE JINKI," Jinki froze in his seat, feeling a strange wetness in his underwear as his bladder let go in absolute fear. "ARE TRYING TO SLE- Oh god, EW! Did you just pee yourself?! Ew, GROSS! Kibum, I thought you'd house trained him?!"
Jokwon stood, fuming, sleepy (and somewhat damp from the rain outside) in SHINee's living room, glaring at everybody apart from Key and Taemin. Kibum shrugged. "It was a hopeless case. Minho, I thought you'd changed baby-face's nappy?!"
"I did!" Minho shouted, hands raised in a surrendering motion.
"Well, uh, obviously not!"
"I did!"
"The Minho doth protest too much, methinks." Jokwon quoted, cleaning the underside of his nails. "Jinki, get cleaned up and into PJs. Kibum, we need snacks. Taemin, honey, it's okay, I'm sorry I scared you. You wanna go and get into your jammies and meet us back in here?" Taemin nodded weakly and scampered off to do what he was told. Jokwon snapped his fingers at Minho. "You, go and pick a movie from the cabinet. Jonghyun, come with me." Everybody scattered like quail, scared of what Jokwon would do if they were to disobey. The apartment was filled with the sound of movie snacks hitting neon, plastic bowls and Taemin's soft whimpers of fear in the bedroom.
Twelve point two minutes later found the SHINee boys and Jokwon seated on the living room floor, squealing over Legally Blonde. Kibum and Jokwon sat together, discussing how the bend'n'snap worked for them, keeping an eye on a still scared Taemin as he cuddled against Minho. Onew and Jonghyun sat to one side looking awkward like the rejects they were in the situation. "Oi, Lee," Taemin and Jinki's eyes flew to Jokwon, scared for their lives. "Not you, Taemin, sweety. You're okay." Jokwon pressed a kiss to his fingers before petting Taemin on the head. "What was the racket about? Hun, I could hear you all screaming on the opposite side of Seoul, for the love of Shisus."
"Shisus?" Minho asked, eyebrow raised.
"Duh! God's homie!"
"Uh..." Jokwon rolled his eyes.
"Siwon, pabo."
"Oooohhhhh...."
"...Jinki, you were saying."
Jinki's heart stopped and started again, hands fiddling with a stray cotton thread from his pajamas. "Uhm... I- I tested po... positive..."
"....Kibum, you're not telling me he's..."
"You bet."
"But that means that..."
"Uh-huh."
"Boy or girl?"
"....What?!"
The SHINee crowd blinked at Jokwon. Jokwon blinked at Jinki. Jinki blinked at Jonghyun. Jonghyun didn't blink. Jonghyun's head tilted to the side, a loud snore ripping from his throat. "JONGHYUN WAKE UP NOW OR SO HELP ME IM GOING TO DYE YOUR PUBES PURPLE!"
"...Semi-permanent, no ammonia, if you wouldn't mind." Jonghyun mumbled, roused from his sleep. "And what?"
"Why were you all screaming? Jinki tested positive. What for, exactly? Obviously he's not pregnant," Jokwon winked at Kibum and wrapped an arm around his dongsaeng's waist. "And somehow it's not cancer, 'cause you were laughing too much. Has the Onew Sangtae become a recognised medical condition?"
"....Nope." The band blinked at Taemin's quivering form, his eyes sparkling in the light from the TV. "He tested positive for foot-in-mouth disease."
"COCK-IN-MOUTH DISEASE? JINKI YOU POOR THING!"
"WHAT?! NO! FOOT IN MOUTH!"
"OH GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE! IF I'DVE KNOWN, I WOULD'VE BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT ON MY WAY ROUND! OH MY GOD, WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME SOONER?! SUCH A SHAME! COCK GOES IN ASS, NOT IN MOUTH. ASS. NOT MOU-"
"Jokwon. FOOT. In mouth. Not cock. He's not sufffering from the same thing as JayJay."
"Oh thank god. So... Foot in mouth, eh?" Jinki nodded sadly, handing Jokwon the letter. "...When does the treatment start?"
"A week tomorrow. I'm going for ellocution lessons."
Title: Foot-In-Mouth
Pairing: 2Min, uhm... sort-of-friendship-but-sort-of-romantic KeyKwon? idk.
Rating: ....PG13. Just to be safe, I guess.
Summary: After an unexpected result, the SHINee boys find themselves in hysterics over poor Onew. All hell ensues when they wake one of the biggest divas in kpop from his beauty sleep...
Jinki stared helplessly at the red writing infront of him, tuning out Jonghyun's obnoxious, screeching laughter, Kibum's raving, Taemin's confusion and Minho's comforting.
"Bu- but I- I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE-" Key rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers infront of Jinki's face, perfectly manicured hand on hip.
"Shut up, Jinki! It's your fault this is happening! You and your god-damn Onew condition! Damn," He cried with a flourish of his hand towards the heavens. "You're drowning in your own awkward! Look atchu, boy!" Minho sat, calmly watching Kibum throw one of his widely feared (but absolutely epic) bitch fits. The fashionista's eyes were glowing red, eyelashes perfectly curled, fluttering over pale skin. His hair, normally (also) perfect, was in disarray, a birds nest on top of Umma's head.
Said diva span on his heel and pointed a finger at Jonghyun. "And you," He bagan, shutting the other up. "Can either shut up or have my fist so far into your mouth you're going to need a new jaw. Shut up, you're giving me a migraine, pabo." Kibum turned back to a now quivering Jinki. "I don't believe you! Oh my god, like, seriously, you couldn't just keep your mouth shut, could you?! You and that gob of yours are the precise reason I'm never going to be able to go out in public again! You're the precise reason I'm going to need a sex change, a new identity, new credit cards, new membership cards... Maybe, if I get lucky, I can join SNSD or 2NE1. Oohhh~ I'd get to go shopping with Taeyeon! OH MY GOD! YES!"
Kibum stopped for a breath, hands flying around with each rise and dip of his near hysteric voice. Jinki's face was paler than usual, any colour that he might've had drained away into his shoes. Well. Socks. Taemin and Minho glanced at eachother, slightly worried for their leader's health. When Kibum started, he didn't stop, and he'd tear through people, walls, vases, fans, stages, doors, management and furniture until he ran out of steam.
The last time this'd happened, they'd had to move because he'd torn the god damn apartment up!
Minho said nothing but nodded at Jonghyun who also nodded.
...
"Why am I nodding? I don't even know why I'm nodding. Should I be nodd-"
"JONGHYUN." Minho cried, surprising even the raging Kibum. "SHUT UP AND PRESS THE FUCKING BUTTON." Jonghyun flinched and uttered in a very small voice;
"Yes master!" before slamming his fist into the wall and effectively busting out the lights.
"KIM JONGHYUN I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU IF KIBUM DOESN'T DO SO FIRST, YOU IGNORANT, IDIOTIC, DORKISH, FREAKY, SOBBING, OLD,SHORT, WRINKL-"
"Hyung!" Taemin squeaked, burying himself in Jinki's shoulder. "Make the lights come on! I don't like the dark! I can't see anything!" Tears welled up in the young boy's eyes as he saw shadows chase after themselves on the walls, lights from outside the window playing tricks on his innocent mind. Kibum immediately straightened up and raced across to the maknae. "Shhh... Shhh... It's okay, honey, umma loves you, umma's gonna take care of you...." He cradled the youngest against his chest and swayed softly from side to side, calming the boy down. "Shhh... Umma's here, sweety, umma's here..."
Just as Taemin had calmed down, the front door to their shared apartment fell forward, hitting the floor with a clatter so loud, the entirety of the Han peninsula probaby heard it. Taemin screamed and ran away into the kitchen, putting a collander on his head and hiding behind the kitchen island with a wooden spoon in his hand. A figure loomed in the doorway, hair frazzled, fists clenched. "WHAT," It's voice boomed, unknown to all of the boys. "IS ALL THE GOD DAMN RACKET ABOUT?!" The thing stepped in and stomped it's way into the living room, eye twitching. "SOME OF US, LEE JINKI," Jinki froze in his seat, feeling a strange wetness in his underwear as his bladder let go in absolute fear. "ARE TRYING TO SLE- Oh god, EW! Did you just pee yourself?! Ew, GROSS! Kibum, I thought you'd house trained him?!"
Jokwon stood, fuming, sleepy (and somewhat damp from the rain outside) in SHINee's living room, glaring at everybody apart from Key and Taemin. Kibum shrugged. "It was a hopeless case. Minho, I thought you'd changed baby-face's nappy?!"
"I did!" Minho shouted, hands raised in a surrendering motion.
"Well, uh, obviously not!"
"I did!"
"The Minho doth protest too much, methinks." Jokwon quoted, cleaning the underside of his nails. "Jinki, get cleaned up and into PJs. Kibum, we need snacks. Taemin, honey, it's okay, I'm sorry I scared you. You wanna go and get into your jammies and meet us back in here?" Taemin nodded weakly and scampered off to do what he was told. Jokwon snapped his fingers at Minho. "You, go and pick a movie from the cabinet. Jonghyun, come with me." Everybody scattered like quail, scared of what Jokwon would do if they were to disobey. The apartment was filled with the sound of movie snacks hitting neon, plastic bowls and Taemin's soft whimpers of fear in the bedroom.
Twelve point two minutes later found the SHINee boys and Jokwon seated on the living room floor, squealing over Legally Blonde. Kibum and Jokwon sat together, discussing how the bend'n'snap worked for them, keeping an eye on a still scared Taemin as he cuddled against Minho. Onew and Jonghyun sat to one side looking awkward like the rejects they were in the situation. "Oi, Lee," Taemin and Jinki's eyes flew to Jokwon, scared for their lives. "Not you, Taemin, sweety. You're okay." Jokwon pressed a kiss to his fingers before petting Taemin on the head. "What was the racket about? Hun, I could hear you all screaming on the opposite side of Seoul, for the love of Shisus."
"Shisus?" Minho asked, eyebrow raised.
"Duh! God's homie!"
"Uh..." Jokwon rolled his eyes.
"Siwon, pabo."
"Oooohhhhh...."
"...Jinki, you were saying."
Jinki's heart stopped and started again, hands fiddling with a stray cotton thread from his pajamas. "Uhm... I- I tested po... positive..."
"....Kibum, you're not telling me he's..."
"You bet."
"But that means that..."
"Uh-huh."
"Boy or girl?"
"....What?!"
The SHINee crowd blinked at Jokwon. Jokwon blinked at Jinki. Jinki blinked at Jonghyun. Jonghyun didn't blink. Jonghyun's head tilted to the side, a loud snore ripping from his throat. "JONGHYUN WAKE UP NOW OR SO HELP ME IM GOING TO DYE YOUR PUBES PURPLE!"
"...Semi-permanent, no ammonia, if you wouldn't mind." Jonghyun mumbled, roused from his sleep. "And what?"
"Why were you all screaming? Jinki tested positive. What for, exactly? Obviously he's not pregnant," Jokwon winked at Kibum and wrapped an arm around his dongsaeng's waist. "And somehow it's not cancer, 'cause you were laughing too much. Has the Onew Sangtae become a recognised medical condition?"
"....Nope." The band blinked at Taemin's quivering form, his eyes sparkling in the light from the TV. "He tested positive for foot-in-mouth disease."
"COCK-IN-MOUTH DISEASE? JINKI YOU POOR THING!"
"WHAT?! NO! FOOT IN MOUTH!"
"OH GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE! IF I'DVE KNOWN, I WOULD'VE BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT ON MY WAY ROUND! OH MY GOD, WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME SOONER?! SUCH A SHAME! COCK GOES IN ASS, NOT IN MOUTH. ASS. NOT MOU-"
"Jokwon. FOOT. In mouth. Not cock. He's not sufffering from the same thing as JayJay."
"Oh thank god. So... Foot in mouth, eh?" Jinki nodded sadly, handing Jokwon the letter. "...When does the treatment start?"
"A week tomorrow. I'm going for ellocution lessons."