(no subject)
it seems as though I have passed onto a different stage of my life, of this developpemental journey I have started. this is by no means the end, but some sort of plateau. Im in it. in the 'thick' of it, if you will. realizing what I am capable of and what is expected of me. I have never felt so good. as if I have, for the first time, breathed. the air tastes sweet and I just can't get enough of it. Im drunk. so drunk on life.
slurping in the liquid goodness of touch. the waves of blood being pumped from the heart splashes through my fingers and stains my legs. I am forever marked by what happens to me everyday.
wishing this could inject me permanently with ceretonen, I lock her eyesight.
these experiences are filling the fissures in my brain with ideas for the future and apeasing the worries of the past. my thoughts are calmed and excited at once.
how to find which way is up when everything is upside down anyway? I have stopped trying. and I think that is the key.
why search for something that doesnt exist?
most of my bills are paid. I have things I love and people who love me.
that is what it is all about right now.
that last thing.
and if I had never tried, I would never have known.
if I had never tried, I wouldnt be alive.
while trying despartely to clean my room this evening, I tripped on my journal from valentines day to april. that period of time where all I did was think about what I wanted and what wanted me. I flipped through the pages of my tangible thoughts and smiled at all the questions Ive since answered. the uncertainty and fuck ups served their purpose and now I can walk in a groove of desire and with a more certain orientation.
I think Im maybe just maybe finding some vague idea that might be the thread that I need to pull which has the power to lead me to me.
whereever the fuck that might be.
ahhhhh. I like this stuff. I like being able to touch and smell and tastes and swallow what I, for what seems like an eternity, hadn't allowed myself.
I feel good.
slurping in the liquid goodness of touch. the waves of blood being pumped from the heart splashes through my fingers and stains my legs. I am forever marked by what happens to me everyday.
wishing this could inject me permanently with ceretonen, I lock her eyesight.
these experiences are filling the fissures in my brain with ideas for the future and apeasing the worries of the past. my thoughts are calmed and excited at once.
how to find which way is up when everything is upside down anyway? I have stopped trying. and I think that is the key.
why search for something that doesnt exist?
most of my bills are paid. I have things I love and people who love me.
that is what it is all about right now.
that last thing.
and if I had never tried, I would never have known.
if I had never tried, I wouldnt be alive.
while trying despartely to clean my room this evening, I tripped on my journal from valentines day to april. that period of time where all I did was think about what I wanted and what wanted me. I flipped through the pages of my tangible thoughts and smiled at all the questions Ive since answered. the uncertainty and fuck ups served their purpose and now I can walk in a groove of desire and with a more certain orientation.
I think Im maybe just maybe finding some vague idea that might be the thread that I need to pull which has the power to lead me to me.
whereever the fuck that might be.
ahhhhh. I like this stuff. I like being able to touch and smell and tastes and swallow what I, for what seems like an eternity, hadn't allowed myself.
I feel good.