St. Patricks Day
Ok, I made it through St Patricks day but I can't say it wasn't the fucking hardest day of the last 7 weeks.
I had to work yesterday and had a bit of a chat with my boss who thinks I've become de-motivated and pretty much said I'm not pulling my weight and need to get my finger out. He's right of course, but what he doesn't realise that he's the one who's demotivating me. He said at the beginning of the year I seemed really positive and focussed but I seem to have slipped recently, he jokingly said maybe I should start drinking again. In a way he's got a point because I think it's since I've stopped drinking and I'm not just going through the motions anymore that this slump in my attitude has come about. I hate the way things are done in the bank, I hate that it's run by old men who are sitting waiting to draw their pensions and in the meantime don't want any changes that might cause them to do some work. Anyway, thats a completely different post that I'll get round to ranting about another time.
So I drove home around 5ish yesterday, when I got to London Bridge I was stopped at traffic lights outside a pub where everyone was standing round drinking Guinness. Then I drove up through Shoreditch and onto Kingsland Road. I saw a lady getting into a cab with a sparkly green hat on. Past the Kingsland pub which was bedecked with flags and Guinness posters. I got near to home and decided to go to my (old) local. I thought if I had the car then that would keep me from drinking, but as I drove past the car park was full, which meant I would need to park in my own street anyway. So once I'd parked the car outside the house it didn't make any sense to walk up there, plus I had a load of paperwork that I wanted to drop indoors. I made something to eat, phoned my mum and just dossed about in general.
I had been planning on going to a meeting last night because a woman who was at Friday's meeting had said she was doing the chair there on Saturday. When she had shared I'd identified a lot with what she said so thought it might be a good chair to hear. Plus she's been sober over 20 years and was very young when she got sober.
Now, one of the main things about AA is helping newcomers and as I've only been sober 7 weeks I still think of myself as a newcomer, and probably will for the next year. My Tuesday meeting is very good, I've made a few friends there who are lovely and who all gave me their numbers to call them for a chat, but the Wednesday meeting I haven't found this. On Wednesday there were two newcomers at the meeting and everyone was all round them and I have to admit to feeling a pang of jealousy as no-one has done it with me. I don't know why and I'm not going to try and analyse it because I'll only end up making myself feel bad. But it helped in a way because where they were very supportive to the newcomers, they both shared, which in turn made me feel bad because as yet, I haven't. So Wednesday I found my voice. I was all alone at that meeting but I managed to speak up and share something that had been bothering me for a couple of days. So on Friday I went back to that meeting, not only for that reason but because one of my friends from the Tuesday group was going to be there. I recognise the guy who was doing the chair from the Wednesday meeting and I'd been interested in hearing his story. He had a very positive message but I found that he kept going on about how he'd helped newcomers and how important it was to him. He's never ever spoken to me. And there was lots of backslapping going on everyone sharing back about how much he helped them, and how important it was to help newcomers and I just said there thinking, you are all a bunch of c&nts. sorry, excuse my language but that's how I felt.
So this woman, who was doing the chair on Saturday, I've seen her around a few times and again, she's never spoken to me. I was talking to my Mum about it during the day and it turns out my Mum knows her quite well. My mum reckons she's a bit of a big head and this in turn put me off going to the meeting on Saturday night. I didn't want to stoke her ego any more by turning up at the meeting. Stupid reasoning I know, but I'm an alcoholic and that's the kind of shite that goes through my head all the time.
so back to Paddy's night. I didn't go to the meeting for a stupid reason and I sat in the house desperate for a drink all night. My head was already up in the pub knocking back guinness while my body was fighting to stay sat down in front of the telly. I have all these numbers of AA people to call, but I couldn't bring myself to call anyone. Then I got a text from Tina and we started texting back and forth and I was telling her how shit I felt and it did help. I really need to make more of an effort with AA people. I took myself off to bed at 10pm and watched a bit of Father Ted doing the Eurosong contest (appropriate for the day, no?)
So here I am on Sunday 18th March, I got through Paddy's day. One of my favourite drinking days of the year. It was hard though so I don't really feel happy or proud because I know that I was the closest ever to having a drink since this all began. Even though I've been in the pub I knew that if I'd gone in there last night, I would not have been able to stop myself. Last night I had my first dream about having a drink.
I had to work yesterday and had a bit of a chat with my boss who thinks I've become de-motivated and pretty much said I'm not pulling my weight and need to get my finger out. He's right of course, but what he doesn't realise that he's the one who's demotivating me. He said at the beginning of the year I seemed really positive and focussed but I seem to have slipped recently, he jokingly said maybe I should start drinking again. In a way he's got a point because I think it's since I've stopped drinking and I'm not just going through the motions anymore that this slump in my attitude has come about. I hate the way things are done in the bank, I hate that it's run by old men who are sitting waiting to draw their pensions and in the meantime don't want any changes that might cause them to do some work. Anyway, thats a completely different post that I'll get round to ranting about another time.
So I drove home around 5ish yesterday, when I got to London Bridge I was stopped at traffic lights outside a pub where everyone was standing round drinking Guinness. Then I drove up through Shoreditch and onto Kingsland Road. I saw a lady getting into a cab with a sparkly green hat on. Past the Kingsland pub which was bedecked with flags and Guinness posters. I got near to home and decided to go to my (old) local. I thought if I had the car then that would keep me from drinking, but as I drove past the car park was full, which meant I would need to park in my own street anyway. So once I'd parked the car outside the house it didn't make any sense to walk up there, plus I had a load of paperwork that I wanted to drop indoors. I made something to eat, phoned my mum and just dossed about in general.
I had been planning on going to a meeting last night because a woman who was at Friday's meeting had said she was doing the chair there on Saturday. When she had shared I'd identified a lot with what she said so thought it might be a good chair to hear. Plus she's been sober over 20 years and was very young when she got sober.
Now, one of the main things about AA is helping newcomers and as I've only been sober 7 weeks I still think of myself as a newcomer, and probably will for the next year. My Tuesday meeting is very good, I've made a few friends there who are lovely and who all gave me their numbers to call them for a chat, but the Wednesday meeting I haven't found this. On Wednesday there were two newcomers at the meeting and everyone was all round them and I have to admit to feeling a pang of jealousy as no-one has done it with me. I don't know why and I'm not going to try and analyse it because I'll only end up making myself feel bad. But it helped in a way because where they were very supportive to the newcomers, they both shared, which in turn made me feel bad because as yet, I haven't. So Wednesday I found my voice. I was all alone at that meeting but I managed to speak up and share something that had been bothering me for a couple of days. So on Friday I went back to that meeting, not only for that reason but because one of my friends from the Tuesday group was going to be there. I recognise the guy who was doing the chair from the Wednesday meeting and I'd been interested in hearing his story. He had a very positive message but I found that he kept going on about how he'd helped newcomers and how important it was to him. He's never ever spoken to me. And there was lots of backslapping going on everyone sharing back about how much he helped them, and how important it was to help newcomers and I just said there thinking, you are all a bunch of c&nts. sorry, excuse my language but that's how I felt.
So this woman, who was doing the chair on Saturday, I've seen her around a few times and again, she's never spoken to me. I was talking to my Mum about it during the day and it turns out my Mum knows her quite well. My mum reckons she's a bit of a big head and this in turn put me off going to the meeting on Saturday night. I didn't want to stoke her ego any more by turning up at the meeting. Stupid reasoning I know, but I'm an alcoholic and that's the kind of shite that goes through my head all the time.
so back to Paddy's night. I didn't go to the meeting for a stupid reason and I sat in the house desperate for a drink all night. My head was already up in the pub knocking back guinness while my body was fighting to stay sat down in front of the telly. I have all these numbers of AA people to call, but I couldn't bring myself to call anyone. Then I got a text from Tina and we started texting back and forth and I was telling her how shit I felt and it did help. I really need to make more of an effort with AA people. I took myself off to bed at 10pm and watched a bit of Father Ted doing the Eurosong contest (appropriate for the day, no?)
So here I am on Sunday 18th March, I got through Paddy's day. One of my favourite drinking days of the year. It was hard though so I don't really feel happy or proud because I know that I was the closest ever to having a drink since this all began. Even though I've been in the pub I knew that if I'd gone in there last night, I would not have been able to stop myself. Last night I had my first dream about having a drink.