Last Night Continued...
Well I got a call from Christina inviting me to her yearly Christmas party...(Last year ended up playing strip poker and then blowing the transmission out of my car on purpose yeah I was REALLY drunk) but I didn't want to go by myself, so I was talkin to Ben online and We decided that we were going to go to the party together as I was feeling a
( Read more... )
"Did you see Ben as an opportunity to get back at her for flirting with Leland? Or are you just stupid?"
Devestatingly Cruel, Nothing Ever Uttered From Your Mouth Has Ever Been So Cruel or Heartbreaking Before.
There has been some talk about Baughb and her Viciousness in her defense of me, well hers was not just a defense of me, it was a defense of herself. She was brought into this unwillingly and unfairly she was not a part of this and had she not been mentioned surely she would have kept quiet infact I know it, I have spoken with her a few times today. So you got what you diserved by bringing her into this, sorry if you couldn't handle it. But it was unneccesarily cruel to her.
My Eyes are open now, in my times of changing in gaining weight and hating my own appearance and changing my personality there is one thing I never questioned was my friendship capabilities. My Devotion to the people that I love, today I questioned it for the first time since I was a self admitted shitty horrible drug addict. And then I think, I am not a bad person. But now I finally know what some people really do think of me. So, thank you. My Eyes are open. After several hours of refelection I still do know that I would still lay my life down for anybody that I love, would do anything and help all of my friends. I know this, I love my friends, and I am a damn good one. Maybe my past was just a hill that was too big of a hill to climb.
I am horribly hurt, my heart is torn apart. At a few parties here, I don't know what I want. Maybe my feelings are misdirected, I do not know. But I do know, that what I did, I thought I was doing the right thing, and going about the right way. I do not think I was treated fairly here, or given the courtsey that I would have extended to the same parties involved. I need time too as well, I know that I need all of my friends to be able to trust me, and not be willing to drop the ball at the drop of the dime. Friendship is a leap of faith, it's love, it's a lifetime committment just like family in my eyes, and I cannot and I will not keep proving myself.
Whether I was in the right on this one, I do not know, but I thought I went through the right channels to try to resolve it, and this is what I got, so again, I say my eyes are open. I do now know at least in one case, I do know what you have always thought of me.
I do not question your right to be upset, I know you need time. I just don't know what I want now. Because I just can't keep going through this, at some point, I just need trust and communication and not a guard dog. I do love you though, I always will. I'm just so deeply offended right now by all this I can't see straight with all the pain.
Reply
Leave a comment