Ode To Bipolar
I am 23, god that seems so old to me now. I was diagnosed when I was 14. I have gone through many a major life crisis. Most recently with my my husband of a year and a a half, and boyfriend for nearly 6 yrs, with whom I lived and supported, Would have let me die in the hospital alone and really did not care enough to pack up the weed, not the paraphanalia he was smoking out of before his son woke up; or for that matter before he passed out on the floor. Great.
So my life fell apart. I fel into a deep depression and basically slept for nearly two weeks...I only got up for bathroom breaks and to tried to be social go to monday night football, or kareoke to make an honest attempt to be happy as I know you can force yourself out of depression and then I would get home...then back to the couch to sleep. I didn't eat much either, mostly yogurt and crackers.
My mother gave me an opportunity. Instead of being defeated I could stay for free at the home until I had cleared up my credit. Get myself together. I said no at first. That was a Sunday.
But, I'm straying off my Bipolar story, I feel the need to tell it, because it is indeed at the top of my head now. I am a BiPolar II
I am dismayed at the number of descriptive things about it on the internet. Lists of symptoms and plenty of BPI stories. I guess I felt maybe I could help by adding my own.
People with BPII have a big problem. I mean, BPI is hard to argue with....if you have acute psychosis or delusions it is hard to explain those away. But for BPII the trouble is more that you have very intense emotions and you are constantly caught in a struggle. Sometimes I can't honestly explain how I feel. It leaves you miserable and confused.
The outright clear signs are easy enough. The money spending, talking, being oblivious to distressing things...those things I mentioned were all there. But while I may have occasionally seemed a little over enthusiastic or eccentric, most people would not have called me "crazy."
For me the illness takes away my balance. I am at it's mercy emotionally when I am not on meds. I can't describe how intense my feelings are. It's like the illness is more of an emotional amplifier for me. Anger feels so violent inside...happiness is more like sheer elation. I feel emotions like some people taste food or hear sounds. They are tangible.
I am very talented. I can sing, write, I'm a pretty good photographer. I have been an A+ student before. I have great people skills...and people generally like me. Not your typical nut huh? But I am the typical nut...at least the typical BPII variety. That is the hard part. Everyone, including me sometimes, wants to find everything but the dog to explain away my troubles. No one wants to believe that a well-rounded, intelligent person could get this illness. If they accept that they just might have to accept that it can happen to anyone...including them.
So I struggle. Sometimes the struggle is with the illness. Days of sobbing, irritability, rage....irreverent laughter. Other times it is with accepting I have it...or helping someone else accept I have it, or that they have it. Having to defend my illness....imagine that. Defend my right to be as crazy as the next guy, insisting I have an illness I don't even want. Now THAT is crazy.
So my life fell apart. I fel into a deep depression and basically slept for nearly two weeks...I only got up for bathroom breaks and to tried to be social go to monday night football, or kareoke to make an honest attempt to be happy as I know you can force yourself out of depression and then I would get home...then back to the couch to sleep. I didn't eat much either, mostly yogurt and crackers.
My mother gave me an opportunity. Instead of being defeated I could stay for free at the home until I had cleared up my credit. Get myself together. I said no at first. That was a Sunday.
But, I'm straying off my Bipolar story, I feel the need to tell it, because it is indeed at the top of my head now. I am a BiPolar II
I am dismayed at the number of descriptive things about it on the internet. Lists of symptoms and plenty of BPI stories. I guess I felt maybe I could help by adding my own.
People with BPII have a big problem. I mean, BPI is hard to argue with....if you have acute psychosis or delusions it is hard to explain those away. But for BPII the trouble is more that you have very intense emotions and you are constantly caught in a struggle. Sometimes I can't honestly explain how I feel. It leaves you miserable and confused.
The outright clear signs are easy enough. The money spending, talking, being oblivious to distressing things...those things I mentioned were all there. But while I may have occasionally seemed a little over enthusiastic or eccentric, most people would not have called me "crazy."
For me the illness takes away my balance. I am at it's mercy emotionally when I am not on meds. I can't describe how intense my feelings are. It's like the illness is more of an emotional amplifier for me. Anger feels so violent inside...happiness is more like sheer elation. I feel emotions like some people taste food or hear sounds. They are tangible.
I am very talented. I can sing, write, I'm a pretty good photographer. I have been an A+ student before. I have great people skills...and people generally like me. Not your typical nut huh? But I am the typical nut...at least the typical BPII variety. That is the hard part. Everyone, including me sometimes, wants to find everything but the dog to explain away my troubles. No one wants to believe that a well-rounded, intelligent person could get this illness. If they accept that they just might have to accept that it can happen to anyone...including them.
So I struggle. Sometimes the struggle is with the illness. Days of sobbing, irritability, rage....irreverent laughter. Other times it is with accepting I have it...or helping someone else accept I have it, or that they have it. Having to defend my illness....imagine that. Defend my right to be as crazy as the next guy, insisting I have an illness I don't even want. Now THAT is crazy.