fuckery
yum. nothing like a looooooong nap after working from 7-3. today was an easy day though. i trained this new kid all day, so once he got the gist of things i really didn't do much work. he was kind of weird but nice nontheless. i'm dirt broke so i'm covering everyones vacation to get more money. the drive sucks but everything sucks so why am i complaining. ok...i'm about to go into varuca salt mode. i want a car and i want one now. no..excuse me. i NEED a car. it's not fair i live so far away and summer is ticking away slowly but surely and i can't just go out and do shit because i have no car. i hate having to plan hours in advance so i have a ride to and from work. i hate living here. HATE. i could be adult about it and just adapt to the whole situation since it's so out of my control, but that would be the healthy thing to do. no. i want to be bitter and cynical and let my putrid smelling hatred and annoyance for this shitty situation fester as much as humanly possible. for some reason i can't find it in myself to be nice, considerate or even understanding. yes i'm happy about my parents happiness. but couldn't they wait a year? this is going to be the biggest hassle and inconveinence. life could be worse....i have my health, my family , my friends and hey maybe everything will work out in the long run and i'll turn out to be a better person. what makes me think i'll be able to handle change at all if this whole thing is making me feel so...crappy. i feel like i have no control over anything that happens to me. like everything is dictated for me. which is what my strong, unfaltering, adament desire for a car comes down to. i'm aware...EVERYONE my age wants their own car. but this is differnent. i feel as though a car would be the only source of control i could attain to make my life how i want it to be, to get back the familiaraity of it. i'm aware i atleast have control over how i handle the situation, but maybe i didn't want the fucking situation to happen in the first place. i want my home back in the comfort of familiar coconut creek. it wasnt supposed to happen this way. i was supposed to spend senior year at home, close to everyone and everything then go off and start my life. now i'm just stuck. i'm so afraid...what's going to happen next? what if nothing else goes as planned and the whole ripple affect contunes to be against what i want to happen?