We drift deeper into the sound, and life goes on.
I started this year on a good foot, and then fell flat on my face into quicksand, and here I have sank eversince. I am mentally unhealthy. I am not getting better, Im getting worse. Even despite the fact that I somewhat halfway have a guy in my life now, I am no happier. I guess when it comes to something like that, in my broken heart I still long for that emotional connection. And this relationship would be purely physical. Im getting great kisses on a regular basis, and Im on the road to getting laid, but I feel no more attractive. Ive lost another 10 pounds. Im 30 pounds away from my goal weight that I have set so far.
I cut myself earlier tonight and It really scared me. It was deeper than I usually cut, but not extremely deep. I guess I realized then, when I saw blood pouring from my wrist and i felt hysterial instead of relieved that it might be time for help. So in the morning at school, assuming I still have the courage, I'm going to inform my teacher friends, Ms Lori, and Mrs Grant of my story. Ive come to consider therapy as a necessity, as much as that frightens me. The most frightening part of it all however is telling my parents. I dwell on guilt so much, and I would have such a hard time coping with the guilt I would feel by putting stress on them because of my mental instability.
I'm so tired tired tired tired exhausted of everything. Ive been longing for death the last few days. I dont want to go that deep, I dont want to sink in that far that I might do something I cannot take back. Everyday in my head, cut, pills cut pills cut pills cut pills.
My god, what has happened to me? Even I'm not sure how I got this bad.