Broken Up
Jan and I are no longer together. We had a great last hurrah over the weekend that involved nothing much on Saturday, just talking and going out for dessert at Tart to Tart. On Sunday we went on this great hike by the water where we got to see over one hundred elk. The plan was then to get South Indian food in Marin, but they were closed so we went to Troya. After that we went home and finished watching the fourth and final series/season of Coupling. It was a great final day and a fond way to end our relationship. I know I'll always look back on it and think that it was one of the loveliest and most perfect times we've ever had. This morning, we woke up early and took a walk to a spot near Twin Peaks (Jan always liked that spot because of the great view. I didn't visit it quite as often, but I still liked it in general) to watch the sun rise and talk for a little bit. We then went back home and laid down in bed for a little while longer until we had to go to work. We walked down the hill and said our goodbyes by the elevator that takes me down to the train. Before the shuttle showed up, I called my dad to reassure me that everything was going to be all right, which he did and I'm now feeling a bit better. The hard part is internalizing that we're actually broken up, that she just won't be there anymore, that she'll never be near to me like that again, and that she's never coming back. That last one is the hardest one to take so far. I keep thinking that this is just temporary, that we are taking a break. But we're not taking a break, we're breaking up and that is not usually for a day, a week, a month, or even a year, but forever and ever. We talked about remaining friends and hopefully we will since Jan is probably my best friend. It's dreadful losing a partner/lover/girlfriend, but it'd be a million times worse if I also lost the person closest to me.
How did this happen? Where did we go wrong? I know that over the past year I messed a lot of things up. I made mountains out of molehills, I yelled at her and said horrible things to break her down in order to take out the stress I was feeling from other aspects of my life on her, i told her I wanted her to go though never really expecting her to, and worst of all, I failed to tell her on a daily basis that I loved her so much and so deeply that I never wanted her to be gone from even a single minute of my life. Jan claims that she did stuff wrong too, that she doesn't really hold any of that stuff against me, and that another reason she is leaving is to figure out some personal questions that she has that she feels be leaving the relationship, she'll get a better perspective on. I understand that too because I know that I've lost touch with my personal identity and for the past few years have only really identified myself as part of a relationship, not an individual. I want to believe that she is making a huge mistake, but it's a mistake I practically forced her to make. We have talked about the possibility of getting back together at some point in the future, possibly after Jan has figured some of this stuff out and she's willing to let me prove that I've changed for the better, and I hope that we do, I'm just not banking on it.
When I talked to my dad, I told him that I've almost always been on the other side of the break-up coin, reassuring people that this isn't the end, that life goes on, and that maybe she wasn't the woman of your dreams. However, it hurts so much more being on the opposite side of the coin and Jan and I were together for almost 5 years, much longer than anyone else's relationship that I've had to console. My dad told me that maybe Jan wasn't the woman of my dreams and that I just thought she was now because we're separating and no one wants to be alone. Maybe he's right, but I don't really think so. When I look back on our relationship I know that I was happy for almost all of it, particularly when I think of just the relationship and not any of the bullshit around it. The other part of that talk usually goes with people telling each other that "there are other fish in the sea" "time heals all wounds" and "if it's meant to be, she'll come back". Yes, there are more fish in the sea, but I'm not looking to go fishing and I never really have been. Plus, just because there are other fish doesn't mean I'll ever find one as special as the one I used to have. Jan understood me on levels that no one else has and we got along so well that it took me willfully trying in order to fuck that up. Also, I know that no matter how much damage I did, I was also able to make her happy and she was always able to cheer me up and make me believe that life is good. Time does indeed heal all wounds and I'm seriously banking on that. Also, just because time heals them is no indication of when. It could take a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a lifetime for me to get over Jan. I do agree that if it's meant to be she'll come back and I really hope that she does. Not because I fear being alone or anything like that, but because I fear never having someone as special, understanding, caring, funny, goofy, silly, intelligent, playful, and adventurous as Janetta. Maybe there will be some day that I look back on all this and think, "Man, I felt really bad about that break up but I got over it and I did meet someone wonderful" or "That really hurt, but she came back and we're so much stronger because of it and even though we still have a few rough patches, we know how to minimize and mitigate them so we steer clear of any real damage" it's just that as of right now I don't feel any of that. Right now I just feel this incredible sadness and all that talk of "fish in the sea" and "time healing all wounds" just sounds like crap and now I know why certain friends of mine utterly rejected me saying it to them when they were in break ups. I hope this will pass but even more than that, I hope I see her again.
Janetta, I love you more than you'll ever know and I'll miss you until the end of my days. We had a great relationship and it'll always stand out as the best 5 years of my life. You made me happy and feel safe in ways that no other person was ever able to. You believed in me when no one else, including myself, would. You made life enjoyable and worth living. You filled me with your love and I hope I did nearly as much for you as you did for me. I look forward to seeing and hearing from you again in whatever capacity. I want you back but even more than that, I don't want to lose you as a friend.
Since this whole thing kind of begun with me posting song lyrics, I think it's only fitting to post some now. I don't know which one of these is more fitting but both seem to describe how I feel:
"The World Has Turned And Left Me Here" - Weezer
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
I just made love with your sweet memory
One thousand times in my head
You said you loved it more than ever
You said
You remain turned away
Turning further every day
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
I talked for hours to your wallet photograph
And you just listened
You laughed enchanted by my intellect
Or maybe you didn't
You remain turned away
Turning further every day
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
You remain, turned away
Turning further every day
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place, an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe?
"Yesterday" - the Beatles
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,I'm not half the man i used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.
How did this happen? Where did we go wrong? I know that over the past year I messed a lot of things up. I made mountains out of molehills, I yelled at her and said horrible things to break her down in order to take out the stress I was feeling from other aspects of my life on her, i told her I wanted her to go though never really expecting her to, and worst of all, I failed to tell her on a daily basis that I loved her so much and so deeply that I never wanted her to be gone from even a single minute of my life. Jan claims that she did stuff wrong too, that she doesn't really hold any of that stuff against me, and that another reason she is leaving is to figure out some personal questions that she has that she feels be leaving the relationship, she'll get a better perspective on. I understand that too because I know that I've lost touch with my personal identity and for the past few years have only really identified myself as part of a relationship, not an individual. I want to believe that she is making a huge mistake, but it's a mistake I practically forced her to make. We have talked about the possibility of getting back together at some point in the future, possibly after Jan has figured some of this stuff out and she's willing to let me prove that I've changed for the better, and I hope that we do, I'm just not banking on it.
When I talked to my dad, I told him that I've almost always been on the other side of the break-up coin, reassuring people that this isn't the end, that life goes on, and that maybe she wasn't the woman of your dreams. However, it hurts so much more being on the opposite side of the coin and Jan and I were together for almost 5 years, much longer than anyone else's relationship that I've had to console. My dad told me that maybe Jan wasn't the woman of my dreams and that I just thought she was now because we're separating and no one wants to be alone. Maybe he's right, but I don't really think so. When I look back on our relationship I know that I was happy for almost all of it, particularly when I think of just the relationship and not any of the bullshit around it. The other part of that talk usually goes with people telling each other that "there are other fish in the sea" "time heals all wounds" and "if it's meant to be, she'll come back". Yes, there are more fish in the sea, but I'm not looking to go fishing and I never really have been. Plus, just because there are other fish doesn't mean I'll ever find one as special as the one I used to have. Jan understood me on levels that no one else has and we got along so well that it took me willfully trying in order to fuck that up. Also, I know that no matter how much damage I did, I was also able to make her happy and she was always able to cheer me up and make me believe that life is good. Time does indeed heal all wounds and I'm seriously banking on that. Also, just because time heals them is no indication of when. It could take a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a lifetime for me to get over Jan. I do agree that if it's meant to be she'll come back and I really hope that she does. Not because I fear being alone or anything like that, but because I fear never having someone as special, understanding, caring, funny, goofy, silly, intelligent, playful, and adventurous as Janetta. Maybe there will be some day that I look back on all this and think, "Man, I felt really bad about that break up but I got over it and I did meet someone wonderful" or "That really hurt, but she came back and we're so much stronger because of it and even though we still have a few rough patches, we know how to minimize and mitigate them so we steer clear of any real damage" it's just that as of right now I don't feel any of that. Right now I just feel this incredible sadness and all that talk of "fish in the sea" and "time healing all wounds" just sounds like crap and now I know why certain friends of mine utterly rejected me saying it to them when they were in break ups. I hope this will pass but even more than that, I hope I see her again.
Janetta, I love you more than you'll ever know and I'll miss you until the end of my days. We had a great relationship and it'll always stand out as the best 5 years of my life. You made me happy and feel safe in ways that no other person was ever able to. You believed in me when no one else, including myself, would. You made life enjoyable and worth living. You filled me with your love and I hope I did nearly as much for you as you did for me. I look forward to seeing and hearing from you again in whatever capacity. I want you back but even more than that, I don't want to lose you as a friend.
Since this whole thing kind of begun with me posting song lyrics, I think it's only fitting to post some now. I don't know which one of these is more fitting but both seem to describe how I feel:
"The World Has Turned And Left Me Here" - Weezer
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
I just made love with your sweet memory
One thousand times in my head
You said you loved it more than ever
You said
You remain turned away
Turning further every day
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
I talked for hours to your wallet photograph
And you just listened
You laughed enchanted by my intellect
Or maybe you didn't
You remain turned away
Turning further every day
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
You remain, turned away
Turning further every day
The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place, an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe?
"Yesterday" - the Beatles
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,I'm not half the man i used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.