Life as an ebb and flow.
I'd like to say that I have been so busy living a fantastic life full of exciting adventures and hanging out with friends to post anything. If only that was the case.
Right now, I feel like I've regressed to a time when I was completely shy and paranoid about meeting new people and making friends. I remember the first time I met my friend Roxanne. I was working in a summer theatre in 10th grade and I was still compleely shy as all get out. I seem to have this cycle (at least in my younger life) of making firends and as soon as it felt like I was getting close with them, something would change. Something in the dynamic, our hobbies, their life, or mine would change and then that would be it. No more friendship. Not that we would have a fight that we would both regret later and just have to come back to one another and absolutely need to mend it. That at least would be definable. No, of course not. Back then it was a world of subtleties.
But I digress. I've always been a bit freaked out by people that came ontoo strong. I was like the skiddish cat who wanted attention when she wants it, and if you're too over the top, I would take off. This pretty much describes the first time I met Roxanne. As I said, it was a time of transition and I didn't have that many friends. Also, I was trying to fit in, but I was so damned shy and worried about people liking me, that I had no idea what to say. Roxanne noticed this. She saw my withdrawn wanting and decided to approach me, and I freaked. The Depot had a small front porch and during a break in rehearsals I went and stood on the front porch to look at the sun as it was very slowly going down in the middle of summer. I didn't see or hear her come out. She just kind of came up behind me and said "Hi. I'm Roxanne. You're Melissa, right?"
I replied with a very sheepish and suspicious, "Um, yeah."
She said she had noticed I was alone so she thought she would introduce herself. I said, okay..and said I was gonna go over there now. Not a very good first impression. I bamfed like a scared cat.
Lately I find myself going back to my old friends. Just looking them up. I'm not sure what it is...maybe I never noticed the value of them, or maybe now that my life feels quiet I want something familiar. I feel myslef doing the same things again. People show me they're interested in getting to know me, get closer, and I feel like I can't trust someone and I'm scred. The thng is, I don't know who or what iI'm scared OF and that hurts most of all. Is it just another barrier from my childhood that I need to break through to move forward. Perhaps it is but it doesn't make it any less terrifying.
People coming and going without notice or warning in my life has been the single most painful theme of my life. Story of my life, as they say. Is this coming up now because of Chris? Maybe it is. There's 11,000 miles between us. I call him my boyfriend for ease of explanation and because of the serious things we've talked about, but I have to wonder if it's something more. Do I say it so I can go out into society with acceptable barriers? If I'm holding on to something that isn't really mine, am I just setting myself up for disappointment?
People have been asking me all these questions that I couldn't possibly have theanswer to. People I work with have fortold that "He's the One!" I hate them for it. They have stolen any wonder and ease from it. I wasn't looking for anything and I feel like I may have found everything I've ever wanted and there's part of me that wants to ignore it. I'm terrified. I think I mentioned that right?
I've lost people without realizing them until they were gone. Someone snuck up on me when I didn't want ANYTHING, except maybe good conversation, and I'm forced to say once again, that I can't have it right now. he and his house mates tell me that I need to get to Australia as soon as possible. I feel like I need to work for it and take my time. It's gonna take a while, but I'll definately be sure when I do it.
I'm scared. I could get hurt. What am I scared of the most? That I might lose the very right thing for me. Whether it's in Australia or whether it's right here, I'm afraid I'll find it, it will look me in the face, and I'll go walk the other way.
When someone comes out of no where and says hello, there might be a reason you're supposed to know them. Say hello, smile, and be grateful they noticed. It might be exactly what you need.
Right now, I feel like I've regressed to a time when I was completely shy and paranoid about meeting new people and making friends. I remember the first time I met my friend Roxanne. I was working in a summer theatre in 10th grade and I was still compleely shy as all get out. I seem to have this cycle (at least in my younger life) of making firends and as soon as it felt like I was getting close with them, something would change. Something in the dynamic, our hobbies, their life, or mine would change and then that would be it. No more friendship. Not that we would have a fight that we would both regret later and just have to come back to one another and absolutely need to mend it. That at least would be definable. No, of course not. Back then it was a world of subtleties.
But I digress. I've always been a bit freaked out by people that came ontoo strong. I was like the skiddish cat who wanted attention when she wants it, and if you're too over the top, I would take off. This pretty much describes the first time I met Roxanne. As I said, it was a time of transition and I didn't have that many friends. Also, I was trying to fit in, but I was so damned shy and worried about people liking me, that I had no idea what to say. Roxanne noticed this. She saw my withdrawn wanting and decided to approach me, and I freaked. The Depot had a small front porch and during a break in rehearsals I went and stood on the front porch to look at the sun as it was very slowly going down in the middle of summer. I didn't see or hear her come out. She just kind of came up behind me and said "Hi. I'm Roxanne. You're Melissa, right?"
I replied with a very sheepish and suspicious, "Um, yeah."
She said she had noticed I was alone so she thought she would introduce herself. I said, okay..and said I was gonna go over there now. Not a very good first impression. I bamfed like a scared cat.
Lately I find myself going back to my old friends. Just looking them up. I'm not sure what it is...maybe I never noticed the value of them, or maybe now that my life feels quiet I want something familiar. I feel myslef doing the same things again. People show me they're interested in getting to know me, get closer, and I feel like I can't trust someone and I'm scred. The thng is, I don't know who or what iI'm scared OF and that hurts most of all. Is it just another barrier from my childhood that I need to break through to move forward. Perhaps it is but it doesn't make it any less terrifying.
People coming and going without notice or warning in my life has been the single most painful theme of my life. Story of my life, as they say. Is this coming up now because of Chris? Maybe it is. There's 11,000 miles between us. I call him my boyfriend for ease of explanation and because of the serious things we've talked about, but I have to wonder if it's something more. Do I say it so I can go out into society with acceptable barriers? If I'm holding on to something that isn't really mine, am I just setting myself up for disappointment?
People have been asking me all these questions that I couldn't possibly have theanswer to. People I work with have fortold that "He's the One!" I hate them for it. They have stolen any wonder and ease from it. I wasn't looking for anything and I feel like I may have found everything I've ever wanted and there's part of me that wants to ignore it. I'm terrified. I think I mentioned that right?
I've lost people without realizing them until they were gone. Someone snuck up on me when I didn't want ANYTHING, except maybe good conversation, and I'm forced to say once again, that I can't have it right now. he and his house mates tell me that I need to get to Australia as soon as possible. I feel like I need to work for it and take my time. It's gonna take a while, but I'll definately be sure when I do it.
I'm scared. I could get hurt. What am I scared of the most? That I might lose the very right thing for me. Whether it's in Australia or whether it's right here, I'm afraid I'll find it, it will look me in the face, and I'll go walk the other way.
When someone comes out of no where and says hello, there might be a reason you're supposed to know them. Say hello, smile, and be grateful they noticed. It might be exactly what you need.