WAY BACK INTO LOVE part 4
CHAPTER 16
Abby was back with the results of the CT within minutes though Ray hadn't even noticed her leaving the room. Neela still sitting next to him was all he needed at this moment.
“The CT is clear. But you know you should stay here overnight for observation, don't you?”
Ray grimaced, but nodded. He knew Abby was right, there was always the chance of complications after a head-trauma.
“Sorry this isn't exactly what I'd planned for us tonight” he whispered, looking apologetically at Neela.
Neela ignored the curious look Abby shot them and reassured him that it would be fine, that it was more important that he got better. They could speak any where as long as they finally did it.
She shook her head, she'd been running away for so long, so where did this sudden eagerness to talk to him come from?
Ray fought to stay awake, his eyes growing heavier with each minute that passed. He was afraid that she would be gone when he woke up again, but the tiredness was overwhelming - he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and slowly drifted off to sleep.
Neela squeezed his hand, letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere, though she knew that as soon as he was asleep she had to speak to Dubenko. Her break had been over for quite some time and she knew she was supposed to be up in the OR again.
She debated with herself for a while and then got up. She would call her attending, he'd understand, someone else could cover for her. This was more important than another operation, Ray was more important than her career or anything else for that matter.
She slowly freed her hand from his and felt him stir in his sleep, but he didn't wake up. She would be back in a second, she tried to convince herself, he would never know.
0-0-0-0-
On her way out she almost crashed into Abby who was coming back to check on her patient.
“Neela! Have you two finally decided to talk about your problems?” Abby questioned, looking quizzical.
Neela took a shuddering breath, all of her former confidence leaving her in that one moment as Abby looked her straight in the eye.
“Oh no, please don't tell me you're running away again. You were so sure in there, what the hell happened?” Abby glared at her.
“Nothing all right.” Neela snapped. “He's asleep. I just wanted to call Dubenko and ask him to cover my shift.”
“It's already done. You can go back.”
“Thanks' her voice broke 'I didn't want to snap at you, I ...I”
Suddenly she felt overwhelmed with angst and guilt rolling into one. It was her fault that he was lying there - she had done that to him, no one else but her; she had pushed him away over and over again. He had gone to Africa because of her, the only two men she had ever loved in her life had gone to war, because her love wasn't strong enough to keep them here. Not only had she lost her husband, but she'd destroyed Ray's life as well. No she couldn't go back to him. He was better off without her. She had caused him nothing but pain.
Her shoulders hunched as she turned around and slowly started walking towards the elevators. She wouldn't do it anymore. She would leave him now and let him find true happiness. She didn't deserve to be with him, what she deserved was that self-created mess she had built up as her so called “life”. Her work, her books and those very few friends she hadn't pushed away yet - but probably would sooner or later - were all she could hope for.
“Neela! What the hell? Neela, wait … where are you going?” Abby came rushing over to her. She turned Neela sharply around and looked at her tear-stained face.
“I can't be with him, Abby. He deserves better than me.” she screamed somewhat hysterical.
“Don't you think you should let him decide?” Abby asked quietly.
“He loves you Neela, he needs you.”
“But ...”
“No buts, please go back.”
Neela took some deep steadying breaths to regain her composure and stop the tears which were streaming down her cheeks. What the hell should she do?
“If I'm going to see him again, I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? You are my friend, you'd tell me if I was making a mistake, right?”
“Honey, you're doing exactly the right thing. Now go and splash some cold water in your face and then so back inside, preferable before he wakes up.”
0-0-0-0-
Ray rose from his slumber with the vague feeling of something amiss.
Still somewhat submerged in sleep it took him a while to register that he was alone.
He shook his head in frustration. Rationally Ray knew there were tons of reasons why she wasn't here, this was a hospital after all and she had to work, but he was so tired of being understanding. She had promised she would be here, again she had given him hope, and had then taken it away.
He felt hot tears pricking at the corner of his eyes and wiped them away angrily. He couldn't do this anymore. He loved her with every fiber of his being, but he couldn't - wouldn't - wait forever. If he had learned one thing in Darfur then it was that life was too short and too precious to string it along.
He leaned back into his pillow and closed his eyes to regain control. He could live without her, it would take time, but he could handle that. He had been through worse.
0-0-0-0-
Neela watched him through the window of the door. He appeared asleep, his face turned toward the wall.
“Ray?” she slowly approached him and cringed visibly when he kept his eyes squeezed shut, feigning sleep.
“Ray, would you please look at me?” Neela pleaded.
He turned halfway around.
“And now what?” he asked so silently that she almost didn't hear him.
Neela took the chair standing next to his bed and sat down. She considered taking his hand again, but he looked so dismissive that she didn't dare to.
0-0-0-0-
Ray watched her for a while, waiting for her to say something. She looked fragile and somewhat lost, as if she had to carry a heavy burden.
He wanted to reach out and tell her that she was going to be alright, that he would help her become happy again.
But he stopped himself from doing it. He couldn't give her another chance to break his heart again, for once this was about him.
When she finally spoke he had to lean in to understand her.
“I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I know I promised, but I had to go to the OR and tell Dubenko I wouldn't come back today.”
“Neela, do you really want to be here with me? Because if you aren't certain about it you had better leave now.” He inquired, afraid of what her answer might be.
“What? Why? I … I....” Neela stuttered, completely lost for words.
No she wouldn't go, she was determined to make this right. She had made so many mistakes, had missed so many chances, because she had always chosen the safer, easier, option. This time she was certain that he was worth taking a risk for. She pushed the fear that was creeping into her mind aside and straightened her spine. She felt completely calm and confident of herself. Love was worth it.
Smiling she said “I won't leave - I can't. I love you, Ray
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CHAPTER 17
Too caught up in an attempt to brace himself for yet another rejection , Ray didn't hear her at first, but slowly her words registered in his mind, letting his heart take a double beat.
He had waited to hear those words for so long, yet he couldn't truly believe her.
The thought of finally having her back in his life in a way he hadn't thought possible anymore was almost too good to be true. But just the same it terrified him. She had broken him to pieces the last time she had left and he wasn't sure he would survive another round of pain.
Neela felt the old uncertainty come rushing back to her - fully consuming her - when he didn't say anything, not even looking at her. Maybe they all were wrong, she had told him, but it was too late. She had waited for too long, had hurt him too much.
Then she remembered Abby's words. Her friend had been so sure about this, so she clung to the mere strength this former conversation had given her. It was all she could do to not run away again.
Shakily she put her fingers at his cheek. She felt him tense and pulled back as if she had been burned. She needed to get out of here.
“Stay!” he heard himself whisper.
“Neela, I ...” to be lost for words seemed to become a regular baseline where she was concerned.
“Why now? Why after all this time?” he tried again his voice wavering ever so slightly.
Ray knew that Michael's death had shaken her deeply, but he couldn't quite get past the things she'd let happen since.
“There were other chances, Neela. You know I have always been here for you. Jesus, all I've ever wanted was to be your friend.” he raised his voice.
“I know that now. I wanted to tell you, wanted to sort things out, when I returned home from England, but then I found out that you'd left.” She matched his loudness easily although she had sworn to stay calm.
Ray took some deep breathes to steady his shattered nerves. “I couldn't stay. It was too much to see you every day and to know that there wasn't a chance to be with you. I needed time for myself, because I didn't recognize me anymore. You've changed me and then you left and I had no idea how to live with that and most of all it hurt like hell to see you with him. I lost my best friend and the woman I fell in love with at once.”
“I'm sorry, I truly am. I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I didn't see what I put you through. When Michael died, he took away all my dreams of a happy future. Deep down I may have known that despite the fact that we loved each other he loved the army just as much. I had waited for him, had put my own life on a hold and then when I thought we finally got a chance to be together for real he went back. I felt so guilty, because there I was, having my husband fighting off in a war when I began to realize that I loved spending time with you, because you knew me better than my own husband did.
I had to move out, had to keep you at distance, because I was slowly falling for you. Even if I hadn't physically betrayed him - and never would have - in my dreams I had and I felt so damn guilty for that. Then he died and and my dreams of the perfect life were shattered. I couldn't turn to you because that would have meant a chance for happiness and I didn't deserve that.” she cried.
Ray reached up to wipe her tears away. She needed to realise that his death was caused by some terrible war and that she needed to let go of her self created punishment, but she brushed his hand away harshly.
“Please let me finish ...” I might never have the courage again she completed in her mind.
“You have to understand that I've so badly wanted was to run to you, but I couldn't. Then Tony happened and suddenly there was someone to fill the emptiness. It was easy, because he was new, we didn't have a history. It was never meant to last long. But he was there when I so desperately needed someone to fill these cold and lonely nights. That argument that we had before we both left … you were right, but I couldn't admit it back then. Because again it would have meant facing the truth.”
Ray had deserved this explanation no matter the consequences ... and there was still so much else to say, but at this moment Neela felt emotionally drained.
0-0-0-0-0
“I made an appointment with Carl Peterson later that day” Ray said into the silence a while later.
“Peterson? The psychologist?” Neela looked up astonished.
Despite himself Ray laughed slightly, before becoming earnest again. “I can't continue living like this. I have to come to terms with what happened in Darfur. God, it only was meant as a break, some time away from County to put my life into perspective again. I hoped that I could make a difference for those people over there. Certainly I underestimated the danger or perhaps I chose to simply ignore it, because I was driven by the prospect of something new, but never had I imagined what eventually occurred.”
As images of those times in the hand of his ruthless tormentors flashed his mind, his breath quickened and he screwed his eyes shut tightly. The anguish he was feeling was etched into his features though. It took him all of his willpower to push them back.
“Will you tell me what happened there some day?” Neela gently asked.
Not really trusting his voice he only nodded.
0-0-0-0-
Standing in the door-frame Abby said smiling at the sight of them still together “Ray, Peterson called. Said he would be coming down here in a couple of minutes. He just needed to finish his other case.”
She was glad Ray had finally decided to take professional help.
“That's okay. Thanks Abby.” Ray answered with much more confidence than he felt. In fact he was scared as hell.
0-0-0-0-0
After Abby closed the door he turned to Neela.
Searching for the right words not to destroy what they had just so carefully re-build he slowly told her “I'd rather speak to him alone.”
“I really want to make this work, but give me some time.” he pleaded.
Neela wasn't much surprised as she had already expected him to say that. She kissed him tenderly and whispered “I'm outside if you need me.”