Oh self esteem, you've taken quite the blow.
So the story goes something like this:
Last year, in my blind hatred and need to spite my lovely Tom, combined with a grand feeling of hotter-than-thou over the 2004 girls, I told Vanka that it would be an insanely awesome idea to try out for this beauty contest the next time it rolls around. Do the hot-girls-with-low-self-esteem thing, be reaffirmed, be objectified, fullfil-our-need-for-attention and what not. I lost interest over the year, cause well, I lost the emotional baggage and didn't need the self-esteem booster shot anymore, but she kept going working out and doing the promote hotness regime. She had a tough year.
Fast forward to like a week ago...
I went mostly because of her, cause it would be fun. Lol, who am I kidding? Being stared at and ranked for your looks by three post-pubdescent-but-really-pre guys was not fun. It was nerve-racking. So many insecurities were going through my head. I know I was too short (didn't bother to wear heels to elongate my body), didn't really fix my hair and makeup and I didn't wear a skimpy outfit. The other girls there all were wearing tubes and spagetti straps and showing lots of skin and, well, makeup. Makeup by the pound really.
And I'm not even saying this to mock them, I am actually jealous they did these things. I mean, the joke is if you want to good hot on camera without retouching, wear lots of makeup or don't focus. Why didn't I think of this? And why did I smile at the camera? When I smile I look too sweet and cute ( even my 16-year-old co-workers think I have adorable cheeks), ie not hot. I really shouldn't have smiled. Vanka showed a lot more skin (well on her body, not so much her face) and didn't smile. She sort of did a vampish pose for the camera... Plus I'm not that skinny. I know in the modelling world, I'm considered plus size because of my height and boobs.
Look at what I've allowed this whole thing to turn me to. Obsessing over the way I look when I should be counting myself lucky for being myself. I think I also sort of insulted my best friend forever in the last paragraph.
I think I went because I knew I was pretty, as cocky as that sounds, and I wanted someone to give me the official thumbs up. I've technically gotten it from modelling but those were pics that probably no one will see (because I won't let them, mostly). But this was huge and infront of millions of people. It's like getting the thumbs up from a million people. Deep down inside, I'll always want to have people tell me that I'm beautiful.
I know at least half of my attractiveness is because of my personality so I should sulk. But I am. I am as dour as a teenager can get. Only this time it's embarrassing because I don't have the excuse of being a teen. I'm also ingesting chocolate by the boxful. God knows what that will do to my skin.
I bought hot "where's-my-self-esteem?" underwear.
I'm reading Memoirs of a Geisha and actually responding to the mindless drivel.
I'm like a desparate housewife. Or.. um.. maybe not? I've actually never watched the show so it would be more accurate to say I'm like my idea of a desperate housewife.
I think I'm insulting good hard-working housewives on an international scale. Speaking of which I was reading this guy's website.
http://www.savethemales.ca/
Whatever. I'm out of chocolate. Need to buy some more.
Last year, in my blind hatred and need to spite my lovely Tom, combined with a grand feeling of hotter-than-thou over the 2004 girls, I told Vanka that it would be an insanely awesome idea to try out for this beauty contest the next time it rolls around. Do the hot-girls-with-low-self-esteem thing, be reaffirmed, be objectified, fullfil-our-need-for-attention and what not. I lost interest over the year, cause well, I lost the emotional baggage and didn't need the self-esteem booster shot anymore, but she kept going working out and doing the promote hotness regime. She had a tough year.
Fast forward to like a week ago...
I went mostly because of her, cause it would be fun. Lol, who am I kidding? Being stared at and ranked for your looks by three post-pubdescent-but-really-pre guys was not fun. It was nerve-racking. So many insecurities were going through my head. I know I was too short (didn't bother to wear heels to elongate my body), didn't really fix my hair and makeup and I didn't wear a skimpy outfit. The other girls there all were wearing tubes and spagetti straps and showing lots of skin and, well, makeup. Makeup by the pound really.
And I'm not even saying this to mock them, I am actually jealous they did these things. I mean, the joke is if you want to good hot on camera without retouching, wear lots of makeup or don't focus. Why didn't I think of this? And why did I smile at the camera? When I smile I look too sweet and cute ( even my 16-year-old co-workers think I have adorable cheeks), ie not hot. I really shouldn't have smiled. Vanka showed a lot more skin (well on her body, not so much her face) and didn't smile. She sort of did a vampish pose for the camera... Plus I'm not that skinny. I know in the modelling world, I'm considered plus size because of my height and boobs.
Look at what I've allowed this whole thing to turn me to. Obsessing over the way I look when I should be counting myself lucky for being myself. I think I also sort of insulted my best friend forever in the last paragraph.
I think I went because I knew I was pretty, as cocky as that sounds, and I wanted someone to give me the official thumbs up. I've technically gotten it from modelling but those were pics that probably no one will see (because I won't let them, mostly). But this was huge and infront of millions of people. It's like getting the thumbs up from a million people. Deep down inside, I'll always want to have people tell me that I'm beautiful.
I know at least half of my attractiveness is because of my personality so I should sulk. But I am. I am as dour as a teenager can get. Only this time it's embarrassing because I don't have the excuse of being a teen. I'm also ingesting chocolate by the boxful. God knows what that will do to my skin.
I bought hot "where's-my-self-esteem?" underwear.
I'm reading Memoirs of a Geisha and actually responding to the mindless drivel.
I'm like a desparate housewife. Or.. um.. maybe not? I've actually never watched the show so it would be more accurate to say I'm like my idea of a desperate housewife.
I think I'm insulting good hard-working housewives on an international scale. Speaking of which I was reading this guy's website.
http://www.savethemales.ca/
Whatever. I'm out of chocolate. Need to buy some more.