Shit you didn’t know you didn’t want to know.
I am a shit factory. Or at least I was until I moved out here. Usually, I would shit at least three times a day, minimum. The most was probably something like, six or seven. Now I’m down to like, one to two a day so obviously something’s wrong.
I like to spoil my anus. Whenever or wherever he wants to go, I take him. I like to refer to him as Herman. I think that’s a nice name for an asshole. Anyway, since I’ve moved here Herman hasn’t been as productive. At first I thought he was just getting lazy. But then I realized there were other factors that led to his overall decline of productivity.
1. Change in diet: I went from eating at the same vegetarian restaurant everyday to eating delicious Japanese dishes and pastries (vegetarian of course).
2. Japanese Toilet Phobia- Traditional Japanese toilets are, what I like to call, “squatters.” There is no seat, just a small, narrow basin. Basically you have to do the Filipino squat in order to take a shit. I’m used to luxurious porcelain thrones, where I can excrete wastes, read a magazine, and contemplate life without straining my thighs. So I really didn’t take too kindly to the squatters. I had to come up with a procedure for them. I take off my pants and underwear, hang them up, do my business, and then get dressed again. The logic behind this? I’m scared Herman might miss his mark and destroy my pants instead of the designated target. The whole process is kind of tedious so I end up staying in the bathroom for a suspect amount of time. Not very suave. It’s also pretty embarrassing when making first impressions. My reluctance to use these leg muscle-straining toilets led to my overall reluctance to exercise my bowel movements.
It’s not the end of the world though.
My body is getting used to my new “diet.”
I’m also kind of warming up to the “squatters.” There are some cool points about them. Eliminating the seat cuts down on germ contact. Plus, when squatting, I can actually look down and see the shit emerge from my ass. I like to wait for it to land, and then glance down at my creation in a paternal-like admiration and say, “Who’s your Daddy?”
I like to spoil my anus. Whenever or wherever he wants to go, I take him. I like to refer to him as Herman. I think that’s a nice name for an asshole. Anyway, since I’ve moved here Herman hasn’t been as productive. At first I thought he was just getting lazy. But then I realized there were other factors that led to his overall decline of productivity.
1. Change in diet: I went from eating at the same vegetarian restaurant everyday to eating delicious Japanese dishes and pastries (vegetarian of course).
2. Japanese Toilet Phobia- Traditional Japanese toilets are, what I like to call, “squatters.” There is no seat, just a small, narrow basin. Basically you have to do the Filipino squat in order to take a shit. I’m used to luxurious porcelain thrones, where I can excrete wastes, read a magazine, and contemplate life without straining my thighs. So I really didn’t take too kindly to the squatters. I had to come up with a procedure for them. I take off my pants and underwear, hang them up, do my business, and then get dressed again. The logic behind this? I’m scared Herman might miss his mark and destroy my pants instead of the designated target. The whole process is kind of tedious so I end up staying in the bathroom for a suspect amount of time. Not very suave. It’s also pretty embarrassing when making first impressions. My reluctance to use these leg muscle-straining toilets led to my overall reluctance to exercise my bowel movements.
It’s not the end of the world though.
My body is getting used to my new “diet.”
I’m also kind of warming up to the “squatters.” There are some cool points about them. Eliminating the seat cuts down on germ contact. Plus, when squatting, I can actually look down and see the shit emerge from my ass. I like to wait for it to land, and then glance down at my creation in a paternal-like admiration and say, “Who’s your Daddy?”