(no subject)
i'm moving back to missouri. my plane leaves october 14th.
i know most people will think my completely daft for not taking advantage of going to university for free.
sure, it's a great opportunity. maybe it would have been the key to me living a successful, stable life.
but i don't feel it.
I AM NOT LEAVING SOLELY BECAUSE OF ERIC.
sure i miss him. i love him more than i knew i could. & yes, obviously it hurt me alot to lose him that way.
but i'm ready to be out on my own.
to go home to my own place. decorate a room however i want. party or lounge around whenever i feel like it.
i want to sleep in MY OWN home; one of my own making.
alaska has turned out to be a ridiculously expensive place to be, not to mention emotionally draining.
since i arrived it is as if i've been hit from every angle.
my first car was in need of more than i'd bargained for.
friends, who in the past were always hounding me for not keeping in touch, have made no real attempt to see or at the least talk to me.
i've gained almost twenty pounds.
i still couldn't find a job outside of the customer service category.
my purse was stolen; my ipod; cigarettes; presciptions; my sweet little notes eric had written me; my dearest photos... all taken for a wallet that contained a whole dollar and a few nickels.
my family is no less unsatisfied with how i've "turned out" than ever.
i've fucked up just as horribly here than i did anywhere else--crashing my car into out porch because i passed out; busting my lip and almost breaking my nose.
not to mention losing my dearest friend in the process of trying to better who i am.
........
i feel as if getting out there in the adult world of paying bills, holding a job, and having a home is the best step towards proving to everyone (& myself) that, despite all that i've ruined, i'm not all that bad.
i can take care of myself.
no one should waste their time worrying over me.
"You're going to wind up in prison. That or you're going to die, it's all a matter of time."
i chose the third option.