Everyone's Evil.
I am so buttfucking tired of being everyone's evil.
I can't even get my upset out in poetry anymore, so much is balled up inside of me.
The only words I ever hear from others is how cruel or unjust I am, stupid imbeciles who only pay attention to a simplistic upset before reinforcing those negative feelings with more negative feedback.
And no matter what I do, no matter the kindness I show or the effort I put forth, the only thing that the woman I love ever has to say to anyone is how much of a fuck up I am.
Yes, I am uptight. I am scared at the prospect of trying to dedicate my life to another person and have my heart obliterated by either their infidelity or our lack of fitting. It is a thing to fear giving one's life away in completion to someone who may abuse it.
Yes, I confessed in a drunken stupor my desire for us to last into the ages. Woop-dee-fucking-doo. You should have already known that by other things that I have said. You know, things like "I love you." and "I don't want to lose you." and "I hope we stay together forever.".
But it is so much easier to point out those bad things isn't it? The arguments, the upsets, the bad times. After all, they are so much more in your mind than the good times aren't they? You smile to me, tell me you love me, and then go hop on the computer at work and talk trash about how horrible I am before you go out to lunch with a guy you say you'd like me to be more like.
All those horrible things I do, all those mistakes I've made, all the crap I've put you through. No one stops for a second to consider what I've gone through. You had a breakup with an abusive boyfriend, I had to divorce someone because it wasn't right and rip their life apart. You've had to realize how to survive outside your home, I've had to flail and catch myself after leaping out of mine. You've had a friend betray you and want money back they said you could have, I've had two friends betray me and take almost everything I owned.
I'm not belittling your experiences, they are still the worst you've gone through and must seem pretty bad, but I've been through the ringer more times than you've been to the doctor, I've been betrayed more times than you've gotten a pap smear, and I've been in the gutter more times than you've been in debt.
So yeah, I'm a little wary, a little guarded, and a little afraid.
I have fought to the end to defend you when people tell me you're 'loud' or 'upsetting' or even worse 'annoying'. I have told people that advised me to leave you that they can deal with the fact that you're in my life and love both of us, or do without me alltogether because I won't sit there while someone badmouths you.
You're just the opposite. Someone says something bad about me, you tack up and tally what mistakes I've made. You start bad feelings and trash talk about me when I have NEVER done that to you. You continually disrespect my feelings, my emotions, and my personality in ways I cannot begin to describe and yet I stand by you firm and strong.
Why? Because of the good times. Because we fit together in so many ways. Because I love you. Because you are one of the best things that have happened to me in my life. Because when I smile and look into your eyes your mouth and your eyes smile back. Because we could really make it together.
You tell me that I have to try. Shit, I am our most vehement defender.
People comment to you about leaving me and you take it in stride, or even worse, talk with them about it.
People comment to me about leaving you and they are met with a steel wall, and if steel isn't strong enough, I find something stronger. My love for you.
I am done with flowery words. I was done with them a while ago. I am done trying to make something what it's not. Here's the reality of it, the dark of it as they say.
I love you. That's all I know. I feel very strongly for you, strongly enough that I have come back from a depression that nearly encompassed me fully just from your presence. That is the only thing I actually know for sure.
Things that I believe I know however, are many. I believe that I am not enough for you. I lack something that you want. You beg of me to post something in my LJ that says "I love you" but all you do in there is shit me down.
I believe that you have become disillusioned about us. Whether by fault of your own or by other people's convincing you have managed to decide that I am going to actively find someone and leave you at my earliest convenience and nothing that I say or do can help this at all or convince you that I won't.
I believe that unless you put forth some serious effort and do some serious repairs on the damage that you have done, that we aren't going to last four months.
You are so worried about me leaving you, but you are the only one that's threatened to leave.
And I think that unless we get something done about this mistrust and sheer hatred that you have for me when I'm not around, that you're going to pack up and walk away from me.
So please, I beg of you, stop hurting me.
I'm not going to fight back, I'm not going to play little Modesto games and do battle with you through our friends, I am not going to manipulate you into liking me every moment.
I just want a regular life, a regular love, with you. And if you can't give me that, if you can't recieve that, if we can't have that together, then just walk away from me.
I'll live.
And you'll be better off.
Without me.
I love you.
I can't even get my upset out in poetry anymore, so much is balled up inside of me.
The only words I ever hear from others is how cruel or unjust I am, stupid imbeciles who only pay attention to a simplistic upset before reinforcing those negative feelings with more negative feedback.
And no matter what I do, no matter the kindness I show or the effort I put forth, the only thing that the woman I love ever has to say to anyone is how much of a fuck up I am.
Yes, I am uptight. I am scared at the prospect of trying to dedicate my life to another person and have my heart obliterated by either their infidelity or our lack of fitting. It is a thing to fear giving one's life away in completion to someone who may abuse it.
Yes, I confessed in a drunken stupor my desire for us to last into the ages. Woop-dee-fucking-doo. You should have already known that by other things that I have said. You know, things like "I love you." and "I don't want to lose you." and "I hope we stay together forever.".
But it is so much easier to point out those bad things isn't it? The arguments, the upsets, the bad times. After all, they are so much more in your mind than the good times aren't they? You smile to me, tell me you love me, and then go hop on the computer at work and talk trash about how horrible I am before you go out to lunch with a guy you say you'd like me to be more like.
All those horrible things I do, all those mistakes I've made, all the crap I've put you through. No one stops for a second to consider what I've gone through. You had a breakup with an abusive boyfriend, I had to divorce someone because it wasn't right and rip their life apart. You've had to realize how to survive outside your home, I've had to flail and catch myself after leaping out of mine. You've had a friend betray you and want money back they said you could have, I've had two friends betray me and take almost everything I owned.
I'm not belittling your experiences, they are still the worst you've gone through and must seem pretty bad, but I've been through the ringer more times than you've been to the doctor, I've been betrayed more times than you've gotten a pap smear, and I've been in the gutter more times than you've been in debt.
So yeah, I'm a little wary, a little guarded, and a little afraid.
I have fought to the end to defend you when people tell me you're 'loud' or 'upsetting' or even worse 'annoying'. I have told people that advised me to leave you that they can deal with the fact that you're in my life and love both of us, or do without me alltogether because I won't sit there while someone badmouths you.
You're just the opposite. Someone says something bad about me, you tack up and tally what mistakes I've made. You start bad feelings and trash talk about me when I have NEVER done that to you. You continually disrespect my feelings, my emotions, and my personality in ways I cannot begin to describe and yet I stand by you firm and strong.
Why? Because of the good times. Because we fit together in so many ways. Because I love you. Because you are one of the best things that have happened to me in my life. Because when I smile and look into your eyes your mouth and your eyes smile back. Because we could really make it together.
You tell me that I have to try. Shit, I am our most vehement defender.
People comment to you about leaving me and you take it in stride, or even worse, talk with them about it.
People comment to me about leaving you and they are met with a steel wall, and if steel isn't strong enough, I find something stronger. My love for you.
I am done with flowery words. I was done with them a while ago. I am done trying to make something what it's not. Here's the reality of it, the dark of it as they say.
I love you. That's all I know. I feel very strongly for you, strongly enough that I have come back from a depression that nearly encompassed me fully just from your presence. That is the only thing I actually know for sure.
Things that I believe I know however, are many. I believe that I am not enough for you. I lack something that you want. You beg of me to post something in my LJ that says "I love you" but all you do in there is shit me down.
I believe that you have become disillusioned about us. Whether by fault of your own or by other people's convincing you have managed to decide that I am going to actively find someone and leave you at my earliest convenience and nothing that I say or do can help this at all or convince you that I won't.
I believe that unless you put forth some serious effort and do some serious repairs on the damage that you have done, that we aren't going to last four months.
You are so worried about me leaving you, but you are the only one that's threatened to leave.
And I think that unless we get something done about this mistrust and sheer hatred that you have for me when I'm not around, that you're going to pack up and walk away from me.
So please, I beg of you, stop hurting me.
I'm not going to fight back, I'm not going to play little Modesto games and do battle with you through our friends, I am not going to manipulate you into liking me every moment.
I just want a regular life, a regular love, with you. And if you can't give me that, if you can't recieve that, if we can't have that together, then just walk away from me.
I'll live.
And you'll be better off.
Without me.
I love you.