such a realization....

[modernevil21]

It is about 6:15 in the morning. I have been up for almost an hour now. I really should be sleeping. I got a lot done yesterday, I did more unpacking, finally put my desk together (no assembally required...) I meant to take a shower but they turned our water off for the day so that didnt happen, I went to work, came home had a 4 hour fone conversation, got drunk in the middle of it, came to a few realizations/ conclusions durring that time, passed out at about 1:30, "slept" for 4 hours and here I am. Work was good, it was Miss Maxine (I think thats a whole southern thing) one other girl and me. later towards the end of the night Miss Maxine asked if I was looking for a second seasonal job. Well apparently Miss Maxine knows like every one in the city of Savannah and recommended me to the manager of another store in the mall for an assistant manager position, which is totally cool seeings as how I have only known Miss Maxine for all of like 2 weeks. So I went and got an application, I would have filled it all out last night but I got drunk before I could finish. That'll be the second thing I do, after I go to the gym with Brea in about 2 hours. On to my 4 hours fone conversation. I talked to a most wonderful boi named Cody, although I found out that that is not his real name but that is ok. we talked about a lot of things. We are both waiting for 2 incredible men to come home, so we can love them in person. Cody and I are so very similar its actually kind of scarey. Cody helped me realize something though, and the fact that it took someone else to explain it to me and explain it to me while I was drunk seems very pitiful. I dont know why I couldnt think of it on my own. Probably because I didnt want to think of it in comparison to something I do, not a lot but I still do it. I was denying Michael something while he is in Iraq, mainly due to my pathetic wussiness. But then cody told me it's a coping device (which I knew) but to him what I was denying him was like what alcahol does for me. Its an escape from reality (which I also knew) But because Mike cant drink over there he has to find some other way to cope, some other way to escape. And I was denying him that. For that I feel incredibly stupid. However, he doesn't know it yet, but before this was all put in front of me I broke down and got him some temporary escapeness stuff. I feel bad that I didnt understand. When I have been the one that tries to make his time in hell as easy as can be, I seem to always be the one that makes it hardest for him. I wont be that person any more. I wish I had known this before. That is not the only thing I have come to understand though. The other realization came from me, I voiced it all by myself. I Love my husband to death (no thats not the realization, I have known that for a long time now, just keep reading...) But whenever I seem to make a mistake, whenever I make him mad, he "yells" at me (I am using that term very loosely here) and then signs off for however long it takes him to cool down, be it hours or days, and then I am the one to go crawling back, appologizing. I believe I do this for it makes things easier on her, and for him. However I am tired of it. It's not fair to me. So I am changing my ways. How well they will work, I am not at all sure. I have signed off of yahoo messenger, aside from my fone being on cause that's always on, and I have signed off of aim. I will not be signing onto myspace for a while, but I do have e mail and other ways to get in touch with me. He is now going to have to make the effort to talk to me. I am not going to go crawling back to him. I love him dearly but if I keep doing this, I dont feel it doing anything good for our relationship, so it is time for him to work for me. I just kind of hope I can keep myself away long enough. I guess the reason it upsets me most is because, not just a few days ago, he was talking about how my getting a job was a double edged blade, I make money (the good part) but I wont be able to talk to him as offten (the bad part) those were his words, and now he wont talk to me. I guess I just dont understand. I guess I just dont find it very fair. I miss him. I wish things weren't like this right now. I wish he would just fucking talk to me already!

Enough of my ranting, I do believe this is the longest entry ever for me... in 3 days it will be the one year anniversary of him asking me to marry him... and then not long after that, his birthday, and then our 1 year anniversary... its depressing to know we cant be together for such a thing.

Back to sleep for an hour, I'll probably have another bad dream... ahhh such is life.

my heart hurts more with every waking moment...