(no subject)
We used to be magpies. We looked through telescopes on stolen time and named secret constellations in the unvisited corners of the sky. Afterwards we’d visit the town in the valley and stand on a roof, nursing cigarettes down to the ash.
Mostly I remember those conversations. The stories told by the twin fireflies and how all we could smell was tobacco and each other’s scent, sharp in the freezing cold.
A shred comes back to me. I’m smoking a cigarette and gesturing, saying “What’s the difference? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s the way that up there the scientists wear white and act like our angels. But these guys aren’t angels or anything close, hell, they’ve fallen, the whole lot of them. And another thing-”
“-Don’t say it.”
“Don’t say what? That we know that they’re working for the Archive? That we know that half of this stuff will be seeing the inside of a filing cabinet for fifty years once someone figures out where the research is heading. Christ. Look. He’s out there now and unless something changes he’s going to be on the outside forever.”
She looks at me. About to open her mouth. I carry on, “Look, listen to me. He’s on the outside because he did what you want to do. He kept quiet about it. Shit, I mean, he was with it from the beginning and you’re saying that it’s right? That it’s fair? That it’s just? It’s perfectly fucking okay that he’s lost his mind and left, that he’s started this whole runaway thing, and that sure it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t blown this whole thing wide open. I mean. Christ. Karen you’re like one of my lungs-”
“-You must have three.” She smiles demurely.
I grin and kiss her ear.
She says “Since you seem to have me pegged why don’t you tell me what you’re saying?”
“What am I saying?”
She nods.
“I’m saying that we should…”
And that’s how it began.
Mostly I remember those conversations. The stories told by the twin fireflies and how all we could smell was tobacco and each other’s scent, sharp in the freezing cold.
A shred comes back to me. I’m smoking a cigarette and gesturing, saying “What’s the difference? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s the way that up there the scientists wear white and act like our angels. But these guys aren’t angels or anything close, hell, they’ve fallen, the whole lot of them. And another thing-”
“-Don’t say it.”
“Don’t say what? That we know that they’re working for the Archive? That we know that half of this stuff will be seeing the inside of a filing cabinet for fifty years once someone figures out where the research is heading. Christ. Look. He’s out there now and unless something changes he’s going to be on the outside forever.”
She looks at me. About to open her mouth. I carry on, “Look, listen to me. He’s on the outside because he did what you want to do. He kept quiet about it. Shit, I mean, he was with it from the beginning and you’re saying that it’s right? That it’s fair? That it’s just? It’s perfectly fucking okay that he’s lost his mind and left, that he’s started this whole runaway thing, and that sure it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t blown this whole thing wide open. I mean. Christ. Karen you’re like one of my lungs-”
“-You must have three.” She smiles demurely.
I grin and kiss her ear.
She says “Since you seem to have me pegged why don’t you tell me what you’re saying?”
“What am I saying?”
She nods.
“I’m saying that we should…”
And that’s how it began.